#it's just that i came this far in the process and now it's still uncertain and i dont want to let it go at all

[kimmkitsuragi]

ahhh.

[atxxzist]

this sea of despair | c.s

summary: you've always dreamed of exploring the vast lands and seas beyond the small and quiet town you grew up in... you just didn't think it'd come at the cost of your own dignity and integrity, getting thrown into a whole new world against your will where none of it matters and the only way to survive is to betray who you are in the face of choi san

pairing: choi san x f!reader

genre: pirates!au, angst, smut

WARNINGS: dubcon, sexual assaults, slut-shaming, san is a huge red flag, not a romance story sksjasjdsjs, half-assed smut, im failing to name all of them but pls go in cautiously & pls lmk if i should add something else

word count: 20.8k

you spot him immediately when you reach the top of the hill, the boy recognizable a mile away from the shirt he's wearing; the top once a white color but now a ragged and slightly dirty beige from all the years of owning it.

he looks over his shoulder when he hears the distant footsteps, a smile already on his lips before he's even sure it's you.

"hey," he greets, the soft gaze never leaving as you plop down on the grass next to him.

"hi," you return, adjusting yourself into a comfortable enough position before looking out into the horizon, seeing the sunset about to take over the sky while the waves crashes against rocks and each other.

this is your favorite place in the entirety of dune; sitting atop at such an angle with a sight makes you feel as if you have the whole world in the palm of your hand.

like if you look out far enough, you can see all the islands, other towns, and settlements in the south sea. and if you look even further, you just might be able to picture what those belonging to the north are like.

just the mere thoughts of it makes you excited--the illusion that you can achieve any and everything when you look down on a world that seems so much smaller than you.

but the place isn't just a spot for the eye candy but also safety. when you and minsoo wanna drown out the chitters and judgments of everyone else and escape into hushed whispers and sacred words you cannot say to anyone but each other.

you've known him for as long as you remember, and he always has a way to make you feel safe and comfortable; listened to and heard.

it always has felt like you found each other in a rather unfortunate world... at least that's how you see him. a speck of light in uncertain darkness.

"how's your father doing?" he asks, eyes and voice turning a soft empathetic.

the reminder brings out a low sigh, but it's an unfortunate reality you're living through.

"not well."

he was just fine a couple weeks ago, getting up and going about his routine when he fell ill out of nowhere, it came so quick and sudden, you couldn't process it at first that your own father was now stuck in bed all day while you ran across the town daily to find some kind of remedy... to no luck.

there's medicines that helps lessen the symptoms but things doesn't seem to be getting any better by the day.

"sorry to hear," he says, disheartened that he can't help you. it's hard to find any skilled doctors or expertise in such a field in a small place like dune. "keep trying. i''ll help, too, and let you know if i come across something."

"i appreciate it," you tell him, a genuine smile on your lips that he returns.

sometimes, you still wonder if not following the feelings budding underneath whenever you're with minsoo is a mistake.

if one day you're gonna grow to regret choosing your heart over safety and security, every time you're with him, the yearning and longing is felt on the surface you both won't scratch.

with how minsoo is, his nature always so selfless and self-sacrificing, he wouldn't let you. you know he still won't.

it was the day the topic finally showed its head after the both of you tippy-toed around it for so long... when it was clear as day even to those around that you hold good feelings for each other.

more than gratitude and being friends.

"but i think it's best we don't," minsoo says, his delivery bittersweet as you shoot to him with fluttering and confused lashes.

you clear your throat quietly and ask, "why not?"

because usually if the feelings of love and admiration are mutual, there isn't any reasons not to try. that's how it works, doesn't it?

"because i'll only hold you back."

you go blank at his words, attempting to mentally break down what he means exactly.

"didn't you say you wanna go out of dune? explore other nearby islands and towns, maybe even step foot into the north sea one day? i don't want you to have to choose between me or your dreams in the future."

you only stare at him, your throat feeling tight and head still a little confused, he has to add, "i don't plan on leaving dune. sure, it isn't the best place there is to be, but i like it here. it's where i was born and where i hope to die."

when you finally grasp what he's trying to tell you, a small sigh of defeat leaves your chest, but he takes your hands in his immediately and looks at you so assuringly like everything's gonna be okay.

"i'm not saying we shouldn't ever, but i hope to one day have the map you've always dreamed of creating in the grasp of my hand, and maybe you can tell me all about your adventures. but for now, i want you to freely dream of those things without having to consider anything else, okay?"

you don't know how he's still able to smile in such a situation, tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear and always with words that mends the doubts in you.

sometimes it feels like he has too much faith in you, and sometimes it's as if you're just chasing a false dream, but if it's to really happen one day, you'll do it for him, too.

--

you separate from minsoo on the path back to town, having to run to the only pharmacy in the town to pick up more medicines for your father.

the white building is quite small situating near the outskirts leading to the fields, and you've ever only seen one worker here who you've grown to be familiar with pretty recently.

she's a little older than you and very soft-spoken, her drive to always help the best she can is something you greatly appreciate.

walking into the empty pharmacy, she greets you immediately upon arrival and you wave as a response, watching as she bends under to pull out the bag she's already prepared beforehand.

"thank you," you tell her, pulling the few coins out of your pockets and handing it to her.

"your father doing any better?" she asks.

you shake your head, looking and sounding just as disheartened as when minsoo asked.

"unfortunately, no."

"sorry to hear," she says, also pitying you just as much as minsoo did. "if only dune were able to get exports from those in the north sea. but we have to do with what we're given. i hope you'll be able to find something better for your father soon."

you nod, a thin smile on your lips from the kind encouragement.

"yeah, i'm working on something," you answer, swiftly turning to the window and seeing the blackness that covers it entirely. "i'll take my leave now before it gets too late. once again, thank you."

you turn your back to head out when her slightly hesitant voice stops you.

"y/n."

"yes?" you stare wide-eyed over your shoulder.

"be careful, okay? i heard halateez are getting closer."

it takes you a few seconds to register what she's talking about, replying in a rather calm and casual tone, "yeah. you, too."

--

you didn't think much of what she said back at the pharmacy due to the sudden unexpectedness of it, but the closer you get to the town square, catching sight of the black and red bounty poster you've seen plastered for miles for the past months now, your body can't help but to get a chill that makes you wanna shiver in uneasiness.

halateez. they're one of the most notorious pirates crew roaming the seas of wonderland--well known for their disguises and hidden identities, now currently the biggest fear for everyone in dune because words are that they were just in the east sea a while ago, meaning as soon as they're done, they'll be heading down here.

no one knows what to expect but the fear definitely seems more real each passing day, waiting in apprehension for a mysterious ship to appear on the dock and just hope for the best.

and it might be because you're so deep in your thoughts, or that you can barely see in such darkness that the second you turn the corner to head down the road home, you hit face first into someone's hard chest causing the bag in your hand to drop and the few pill bottles to roll onto the ground.

you gasp and apologize under your breath, but there's no time to even see who it is because you're more concerned about salvaging your father's medications as you bend down immediately to pick it all up.

"again, i'm sor--" but you stop just short of finishing when you finally look up and the dark figure hovering over your body conjures up a knot in your throat, clearing it lowly and standing on your feet as you try to make out his features in the poor lighting.

he hasn't said anything despite the situation, though you're able to make out his brows as they curve at you in judgement.

your eyes lower to his chest, the black ink drawn on it intriguing you because it might be the first time you've ever seen anyone in dune with a proper tattoo.

you try not to stare too long, giving this man just one last look, finally adjusting to the lighting and seeing that he's actually quite good looking.

some intimidating features and a gaze that makes you wanna cower for sure, but he's handsome.

when he doesn't say anything, only continuously stare at you for what seems like the longest time, you apologize once more before bowing and excusing yourself, thinking of how odd such a man is on your way back home.

you wake up to what is the loudest commotion ever in your 20 years of living, looking up to where your father is resting and glad it didn't also jolt him from his sleep.

something already feels very wrong, the pit of your stomach is telling you it and the sudden knock at the door as well.

when you open it to minsoo's concerned eyes and voice saying your name so early in the morning, you know it's only gonna get worse.

but before you can even ask why he and what seems like the entire town are up so early and looking absolutely scared for their lives, the deep and roaring voice of another from a distance away makes you snap to the source, your heart beating so fast in your chest at the sight.

as if the men from the posters you were just looking at yesterday jumped straight out of them and is now in front of you--black attires, hats, masks, and all armed as they stand right in the middle of the town square as the one that spoke just now stands just a couple feet ahead of the rest.

"listen up! we want a thousand coins from each house within an hour! if you don't have it, you better find a way!" the man threatens, his right hand holding a gun that sits on his shoulder so comfortably.

cries and panics ensues instantly, your heart breaking at the distress written all over fathers, mothers, and children's faces as most of them cradles each other in a hug and cry together, then some retreating back into their house in defeat.

you turn to look at minsoo and he has the same look all over his face, sharing the same desperation as you but also disappointment and anger that nothing can be done.

"i'll get back to you soon. you let me know if you need me," he tells you much to a nod before going back to his own house and family.

you take another glance at the men in black as they just sit around and chat away like they're not ruining the lives of a community already going through a hard time.

your father is already awake when you return inside, asking you in his frail voice, "what's going on?"

"nothing," you tell him, putting on your best smile. he's sick and he doesn't need even more things to worry about. "just a town event."

he doesn't say furthermore but he does watch you go through your belongings until you pick up what looks like a jar full of coins.

"i'll be back," you assure, walking out and shutting the door because you don't want him to see or be a part of any of it.

as you await in the compacted living area for your turn, the longer you stare at the jar in your hand, the more you wanna cry because this is all you have from all the years of saving.

all of your dreams and future is in this small jar that you've spent the last few years putting all your blood, sweats, and tears into because if you were to ever get out of dune one day, you want it to be by your own doings.

a thousand coins is almost an entire year worth of living in the south sea. stupid fucking pirates.

you don't necessarily have a problem with them because just like people, there's good and bad pirates, and at least the ones that had passed through dune before were just rowdy at worst given most only came for the brothel, but they never held the townsfolk at freaking gunpoint.

at least half an hour goes by when you finally hear the voices before the knocks.

"are you sure it's this one?"

"yes. he couldn't shut up about it."

you open the door slowly with a racing heart, the two men in front glaring you down and making you feel all kinds of discomfort even through the disguises.

you don't say anything, only extending your hands with the jar in it, hoping and wishing for it to be over as soon as possible while you keep your gaze to your feet.

too long goes by when nothing happens, looking up again only for one of them to say, "we don't want coins from you." the statement making you raise a brow in confusion.

"you're y/n, right?" the other one who's just slightly taller than the first, says, with you returning a halfhearted nod. "it's been requested that you come with us."

and if they weren't holding your entire town hostage and parading around like they'll actually do what they say, you might think they're out of their minds because how in the hell do they know your name and is now demanding just the absolute craziest request.

"says who?" you reply, an edge to your voice that's starting to no longer consider the presence of these maniacs who could do anything to you.

"you don't need to know," the first one responds, the audacity to sound even more annoyed than you, before swiftly grabbing for your wrist but you're quick to pull back.

"i'm not fucking going," you spit. "i'll do anything and everything, even pay double, but if you guys think i'm coming with, you're insane."

he only laughs, his amusement clear even with the mask on.

"sweetheart, you're insane if you think you have a choice, now let's not make this even--"

it's probably stupid of you to shut the door in front of two very obviously strong men who's also taller than you, but you do it anyway and of course--it doesn't work, the one with a deeper and more annoying voice stops it immediately, pushing the frame back so hard it thumps against the wall and causes your father's voice to pierce from the bedroom.

"y/n, honey, is everything okay?"

"yes! everything's fine. please don't come out!"

when you look them both in the eyes again, backing away slowly with your throat and heart clenched as they only get closer, you're really not sure if you'll be able to get out of this.

"that your father?" the more annoying one asks again, his head tilted and mocking you through the tone.

"none of your fucking business."

but he only laughs again, like there's something so entertaining for him in other people's misery.

"oh, but it is. because if you don't come with us, you'll be putting your father in a lot of trouble."

you fume through your nose. "you wouldn't dare."

and just when you eventually loosen up and lets your guard down, not wanting to put your father in any danger, the other one comes at you so fast, you can barely react.

his hand clasp your mouth and nose tightly with something you can't even properly make out because you're busy struggling, eyes suddenly heavy and consciousness gone before all you see is utter darkness.

"seriously, what the fuck?"

"he asked us to do it."

"doesn't mean you had to. you know he's a fucking maniac."

"he also asked us to not smother her with chloroform but that also didn't happen."

"what else were we supposed to do? she was resisting."

"does hongjoong know about this?"

"not yet."

"jesus fucking christ... did she see you guys without your masks on?"

"no. but not like it matters now anyway."

you hear the conversation and booming voices for a good minute before you can fully make out your surrounding.

there's a brown nightstand in front of you with a badly lit lantern sitting on top, and when you're able to roll onto your back, you find the ceiling is made out of wood with multiple lines of thicker woods spreading across just a few inches apart.

you're constantly rocking back and forth, unable to stay still as if being swayed by the motions of water, and then comes the smell. something of fish and another you can't dissect just yet.

then it hits you. halateez and their threats, the two men walking into your house and demanding you come with them, then your attempt to fight when one of them suddenly came at you.

you wish it was all a bad dream, but you know it's not. it all feels too real and your current state is proof of it.

you turn to face the side of the wall made out of even more wood, a lone tear rolling down your cheek as you sniff the salty air when the door comes apart, causing you to jolt from your position.

standing there is a face you can actually see as you two just continuously stare at one another, your body naturally retracting and curling up because these people could do anything to you.

it's almost as if he can read your mind, shutting the door gently and telling you at the same time, "i'm not gonna hurt you, don't worry."

he looks a lot younger than any pirates you've ever seen in your lifetime... like he could be even younger than you.

"where am i?" you ask, volume barely loud enough and sounding like you're gonna break into a cry any second.

"a pirate ship," he answers, having stopped just short of the door and staring you down... but you knew where you are. maybe you were just hoping you would be wrong.

"please let me go back home," you beg, the waterworks already coming, usually not one to drop a sob story to get your ways but there's no other choice.

this is so wrong on so many levels and you actually cannot fathom it being a reality right now.

the man takes a short, almost remorseful breath, moving his gaze to the floor briefly before he locks eyes with you again.

"i'm afraid that isn't possible. the ship's already moved away from dune for a while now. plus, he won't let you leave. not anytime soon at least."

"he?" you quote, pitch high and curious.

"says who?" you reply, an edge to your voice that's starting to no longer consider the presence of these maniacs who could do anything to you.

"you don't need to know," the first one responds, the audacity to sound even more annoyed than you, before swiftly grabbing for your wrist but you're quick to pull back.

"he'll be here soon," is all he tells you about this mysterious man before going off about other things. "if you need to relieve yourself, it's the door to your right. probably different than what you're used to but you'll get the hang of it soon. dinner is at 7, and if you have any further questions, you'll have to ask san yourself. i don't know when i'll get to talk to you again."

you open your mouth to say something but a call outside cuts you short.

"jongho!"

he gives you another look, his expression unreadable. he seems to feel bad for you but it's hard to believe anyone's intentions and sincerity in your current state.

"i have to go," he says, turning his back to you, one hand on the handle when he stops to look over his shoulder to give you the final farewell, his pitch suddenly deeper as if sending you a warning. "i know it sucks, but please, try to be on your best behavior. he won't show you the same mercy."

you don't say anything, watching as he leaves and gaze drawn to the tattoo on the back of his wrist that you swear looks familiar but is unable to get a closer look.

left to your own devices, your mind is traveling at a thousand miles per hour, talking under your breath and pacing around the tiny cabin trying to digest everything just now while simultaneously trying to think of how to get the hell out of here.

san. jongho, who you think is his name, said it. san is the fucking lunatic that ordered for you to be here.

well, you certainly don't wanna be here when he shows up, searching the entire perimeter of the room for anything and even going into the so-called "restroom" jongho was referring to only to find two buckets--one filled with water and one empty, before shutting the door in defeat.

when you're just about out of ideas, plopping down on the edge of the bed and accidentally making eye contact with the porthole on the other side of the nightstand, you don't know why you didn't think of it sooner.

you can try breaking it... if you can find something, once again touring the area and busy looking over and under that when the door creaks open again, you just freeze in place.

"planning to escape?" a voice lighter but different from jongho and filled with amusement rings from behind as you swallow down the knot and spin around slowly. "i wouldn't do that if i were you."

he still has on his diguise attire or whatever the hell it is, but the second he locks eyes with you, he starts taking off just about everything, starting from his hat then his mask.

when it finally comes off, you visibily and audibly gasp.

“again, i’m sor–” but you stop just short of finishing when you finally look up and the dark figure hovering over your body conjures up a knot in your throat, clearing it lowly and standing on your feet as you try to make out his features in the poor lighting.

he hasn’t said anything despite the situation, though you’re able to make out his brows as they curve at you in judgement.

"you!" your finger weakly points at him in accusation, but the man just smirks like he finds a kick out it.

his chin nods off to the porthole and you follow, his voice soon filling up the space, "if you wanna try jumping out of that, i'll tell you now it won't work. we're so far from any land at this point, you'll soon drown before you even know it."

now that you're able to see him clearly, his features more prominent and menacing in daylight, nothing welcoming like the boy that came before him especially with how he's literally undressing you with fox eyes, you can't help but to grow smaller and slowly retract away from this man.

"you're the one that ordered all of this shit?" you still manage to say despite the fear overtaking your body as you watch him take off the coat and pull the turtleneck off his head.

you avert your eyes to the floor to avoid the sight of his naked torso, but he seems to find something so funny about it as he laughs it off.

"i did," he replies nonchalantly, clearly unbothered even with the sincerity and seriousness of your question, only throwing himself down onto the bed with his hands behind his head as he continues to stare at you some more, never in your life have you ever felt this uncomfortable.

"why?" your voice cracks, all that anger and grief coming back up even stronger this time around. "what did i do to deserve this? i was just living my life, my father is sick and he needs me. what would he do without me?"

you're full on crying at this point, hoping and praying that maybe this man in front of you who looks like he's listening to just about the most boring past time story, will somehow take pity on you and let you go.

you've done nothing but tried your best to only do good deeds, so why you of all people?

you think of your father; of minsoo...

san shrugs, not moved by the tears or the breaking of your voice.

"i did it because i can? i did it because i want to?" he says, unsure himself much to your utter disbelief because he cannot be serious.

"so you're that fucking bored you just go around stealing lives of people because you can?" you scoff. "you pirates are so stupid."

he smirks and you regret the words the instant he gets off from the bed and starts walking toward you until your back hits the wall and you cannot go any further, really showing you where you stand in a situation like this.

you're holding your breath with clenched fists when he lowers his gaze to yours, tilting his head mockingly in a proximity too close for your liking.

"if you don't want anything bad to happen to you, i suggest you speak to me a little more fucking nicely, huh?"

you swallow the tension, staying quiet and choosing safety because you have no idea how he's gonna react and what he's capable of just yet.

then it catches your attention again while you're actively avoiding his gaze... the black ink on his chest in the shape of an 'a' and a circle around it.

that must also be what jongho has at the back of his wrist.

"good girl," he coos, breaking your train of thoughts as the pet name makes you feel all forms of disgust, the way he says it so affectionately when right now, all you wanna do is kick him in the shin.

you think if you don't say anything and let him be, he'll leave you alone, but he shamelessly rakes over your face and figure with a twisted gaze.

"you know," he whispers, breath ghosting the tip of your skin, finally looking up to meet his eyes. you hate the fact he's attractive for such a sick person, and you hate it even more the way he's biting at his lower lip. "you're even more beautiful up close."

you wonder if he can hear how loud your heart is beating, so afraid and fearful about what he's gonna do to you.

and when one of his fingers slowly creeps up to brush against your cheek, you visibly flinch, prompting a snicker from him before he backs away completely much to your relief.

you proceed to watch as he walks over to the nightstand and pulls a piece of clothing out of the top drawer, then throwing it onto the bed.

"change into this by tonight," he informs, tone calm but you know it's an order.

he isn't done just yet, going back to fetch one last thing before shutting it and putting on a show for you as he works on wearing the black top he got just now, pulling until it sits on his skin comfortably.

"i've got some unfinished business so i'll be back by dinner time. but for now, stay put and might i warn you one more time, don't try anything stupid and don't even try entertaining the idea of escaping," he states, the warnings sending a chill down your spine.

he doesn't wait for any kind of response from you, leaving the second after and lifting the heaviness off your chest even if just slightly.

this man really just came in here to intimidate you because he can.

--

there is really not much to do, especially in a small space you're unfamiliar with. you go back between sitting on the bed and looking through the porthole watching as the waves carry the ship along the dark water.

you don't allow yourself to sleep even if your eyelids are growing heavier each hour, your heart unable to be at rest with such a situation you had no say in.

you still haven't even changed into the outfit san demanded you to because you don't know why he wants you in such skimpy clothings for.

you absolutely refuse to wear it.

and although he's warned you to not even think of escaping, your mind can't help but to drift to the possibility of getting out of here. maybe not right now but in the future, it could happen.

he's a fool if he thinks you've already accepted your fate.

it's getting darker outside and you're failing at finding things to keep yourself occupied, when the sudden chatters outside takes your attention.

it's a tad muffled but you can still make out most of what they're saying--the voices sounding like they belong to the men earlier who's responsible for you being here in the first place.

"yeah, she's beautiful so i can understand, but san is still one crazy son of a bitch for doing this." you hear the laughters, such a matter being reduced to a casual discussion between the two.

"he didn't do it alone, though. we literally took the girl away from her home."

"you think san's going to... tonight?"

you don't even realize your ears are practically glued to the door attempting to eavesdrop, but you back away from it the second you finally digest the comment, not even bothering to hear the rest of the conversation.

is this why he took you in the first place and even ordered for you to change into some lingerie by the time he returns? it would only make sense because what other use would someone like you be good for?

just the thought of it sends your body into a state so scared and helpless, desperate to take back the rights of your life into your own hand but completely out of ideas as of currently.

minsoo would always tell you you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and it was flattering at first... why wouldn't it be? it was until it wasn't; your appearance all anyone could talk about.

the aunties that lived next door would always tell your father jokingly that if he had just let you work at the brothel, the two of you could make way more than tending to crops and animals.

you don't have a problem with anyone who does that as a way of living, but it is simply not for you.

your beauty has done nothing in life for you but served troubles.

there's no way to tell time except for the darkness coating the porthole and the way your heart beats faster every passing minute, waiting in anxiety till san will eventually come back.

when you're just starting to doze off, managing to forget about him for just that quick moment, he finally makes an appearance again, the sound of the door opening jolting you from the drowsy state and into fear once again.

you watch him throw a mere glance at the piece of clothing still untouched on the bed.

"i'm pretty sure i gave you a clear order, no?" he looks at you, his antagonizing gaze already making you feel small.

but you stand your ground, spitting lowly but boldly, "i'm not wearing that."

he scoffs, shaking his head to the ground, honestly amazed at the amount of resistance and bravery one still has in a scene where they're clearly at a disadvantage.

he thinks you have absolutely no instincts for survival.

"what exactly do you plan to do with me?" you ask, desperate for a clearer answer, even if you have to annoy it out of him at your own expense. "where the hell are we even going, and can i please just know what's going on?"

he sits himself down on the lone chair near the door, eyes burning into yours as if shooting lasers.

"you sure have a lot of questions, don't you?"

"well i suppose you would too if you were taken away from your home by some lunatic."

san laughs at the jab, a smirk overtaking the shape of his lips after.

"curse at me some more, don't you? it kind of turns me on."

him abducting you should be more than enough proof you're not dealing with a sane person, but this seals it.

"you're out of your fucking mind," you say under your breath in utter disbelief but barely making an effort so he doesn't hear it.

"call me whatever names or insults you want, but it won't faze me, dear. i've heard it all."

you roll your eyes. "oh, i don't doubt it."

a couple seconds of fuming silence goes by before he's the one to speak up.

"we're heading to scorched bay. we'll reach it in a day or two. any more questions, princess?" he raises a brow, his tone a combination of teasing and purposely provoking you.

"why did you decide to ruin my life? why me?" your delivery a bit sarcastic and bitter, bringing about a chuckle from san. but he wouldn't really just do it because he can as he so-called claimed, right?

"that's some strong wordings, but i did it because i like you, is that so hard to believe?"

the room goes even more quiet than before, because this man in front of you who did just about the last thing anyone would do to someone they like, is saying that's exactly what this is.

"yeah, i do find it quite hard to believe."

he shrugs, still unmoved and only proceeding to stare at you with something in his eyes--a challenge--going on to say something that makes you even more uneasy than before.

"well, stick around longer and you'll find i mean every word i say."

if san couldn't get any crazier, he definitely hit his peak when he thought you'd sleep in the same bed as him.

he surprisingly didn't put up much of a fight when you obviously refused, but now you're starting to think he did it on purpose because he knew how uncomfortable the floor is, and that eventually, you're gonna end up regretting the choice.

"changed your mind just yet?" his voice in the dark making you jump slightly, but you try your best to maintain the composure.

"no," you say stubbornly.

because even if the wood flooring is hard and rough on your skin, you'd rather have that than spend the night sharing the same bed with a man you barely know.

"suit yourself."

you squeeze your eyes and force it shut, because if you can fall into darkness, this will all be over soon enough

--

san doesn't let you leave the room even the following day, only bringing you food when it's time so you'll have something and not die off--though you'd much rather prefer that at this point.

the only good thing is he isn't with you most of the day, always out and about and only showing up once in a while to warn you again, or get something before leaving for hours.

occasionally you'd listen to the conversations outside that's within earshot, none of them too interesting or important until you hear one concerning the ship's arrival in scorched bay by tomorrow morning.

you can't seem to trust san's words for now and you don't want to considering the person he is, but it only makes sense they're going in order.

after scorched bay, port cove would be up next.

you know you probably shouldn't entertain the idea, but you go to sleep tonight on the hard wood flooring with hope comforting you in your dreams and that tomorrow, there's a chance you could be free from this prison.

--

you're woken up by the much louder chatters foreign to a ship with a relatively small group of people, when the revelation of yesterday hits you, sitting up immediately only to see san raising an eyebrow at you while sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.

"excited to wake up today, aren't you?" the way he says it, as if trying to get under your skin, but if you really want your plan to work, you have to go just the extra mile to stay on his good side.

you smile in return instead. "i've just always wanted to see scorched bay."

he smirks, shaking his head before standing up to look for his shirt.

"you're not going anywhere," he says, the same time he throws that same turtleneck over his head.

you already knew that but you still can't help but to feel a little dejected at the reminder.

"so what am i going to be doing for the meantime?" you ask.

he shrugs, grabbing for his coat on the rack near the door.

"you don't try to do anything stupid before we return, which should be before it gets too dark."

you fume lowly at the response. it's like every time you try to talk to him like a normal human being, he always has a way to make you feel less in return.

"i'll be back," he tells you and storms off.

you sigh as soon as the door closes. you need to do it quick and fast before he leaves. that it needs to be believable and there's a big chance it might not work but you need to try.

scorched bay is the closest to dune and the further the ship drifts away, the harder and longer it will be to get back to your father and minsoo.

you make yourself more presentable during the time he's gone, waiting in apprehension because as soon as he comes back, you have to strike immediately.

when the door finally creaks open again, you jump up so fast, san might think you're just that excited to see him again.

"what do you want?" he asks, already able to tell from your body language you want something.

"san," you roll his name off your tongue, making sure you sound soft and sweet, watching the way he blinks at such a tone, "i really need to use the restroom."

"go in the bucket," he replies coldly.

"no, but, i-i'm not used to it yet. can i please just go out to use the restroom? just this once? i promise i'll return as soon as i'm done."

he exhales in annoyance, unable to believe you're doing this right now.

"please?" you try again, even more desperate this time. "i also want to see scorched bay just once. i've never been out of dune. i-if i try anything, you can do whatever you want to me."

you say the last line a little too boldly though a little regretfully, the consequences of the words slipped not even in your mind at the time you said it.

"anything?" he repeats after, a smirk creeping onto his lips.

you nod hesitantly, feeling yourself shrink when he steps closer to you.

"remember your words, princess. because if it turns out you have other things in mind, don't say i didn't warn you."

--

it was obvious he wouldn't send you alone, but you were surprised he didn't go with you himself and instead sends one of his men.

he's trailing behind you, eyes burning into the back of your head and never failing to remind you that he's watching your every moves.

you walk through the crowd of townsfolk, able to see mountains and trees peaking from behind their heads, and shops and stalls everywhere.

the place similar to dune but much livelier and spacious if judging by the amount of people there are compared to the small town square back where you came from.

you find yourself smiling and stopping in place to admire the new but almost familiar setting, the hit of nostalgia already through the roof even though you haven't even been away for that long.

it makes you miss the place, and more importantly, it makes you miss your father and minsoo.

"hey," the voice from behind knocks you out of your thoughts.

you snap your neck around to san's man's stern gaze as he ushers at the road ahead.

"no looking around. we have to get going."

"i was just admiring the scenery," you reasons, much to the continuously cold shoulder.

"doesn't matter. now go." he slightly nudges you by the back to keep walking and you scoff at the physical force.

what the hell is wrong with all these men and their need for aggression?

you avoid the hair raising at the back of your neck and keep walking until you finally spot a public restroom, turning around to tell him you'll be back.

"make it quick," he says rather harshly and a bit annoyed, much to an eye roll from you as soon as you turn the other way.

the women's restroom is a small four stalls with tan brick walls, your eyes scanning every corner for an escape route--immediately landing upon the lone window sitting at the very top of the biggest stall.

it looks like it could barely fit you but you think you might make it. you have to try. you just need something to help you get up there first.

thankful that no one's here to see such madness, you step inside the biggest stall and of course, there's absolutely nothing here that could help you reach that height.

you bite at your bottom lip, trying to reframe from panicking and pacing around the open space of the stall when it clicks.

you can just use the toilet itself as a stepping stool. it's not high enough, but it's a start and you'll be able to open it up from where you are.

the rest is up to your perseverence and whether you can really push yourself up and through such a tight opening.

there's no time to think the plan more through or pick out the flaws, because the longer you're in here, the more suspicious san's man will get.

you step on the toilet seat before moving up onto the tank, reaching your arm out at this angle and easily pushing the window open by the handle as you can hear the glass thump quietly against the other side of the wall.

on your tippy-toe, you grab the other side with both arms and grip it with all your strength, scraping the walls with your feet to help your body over it.

the good thing is that it's grass you'll be falling into. the part where you didn't think through is that you'll be falling face and head first.

thankfully, it's not too high but there's no way you'll make it out without getting some form of injuries.

you probably just stare at it for a few seconds, contemplating just about everything and if you really wanna do this, until the loud knock at the door with your name echoing from the other side reminds you just once again of how much you'd rather break a neck or a leg than to be stuck on that ship for who knows how long.

the pain is quick at first, your arms having covered your face as you brace the fall and land hard against your back. it doesn't really hurt till it settles in, the ache and burn on the surface of your skin that has been scrapped on the way down.

the amount of trees luckily covers the scene, and though you're still sore and hurting from the fall, there's no time to waste as you stand on your feet and limp away the best you can.

that if you can get far enough; if you can stay in hiding for a while, you'll be free again. you can go back to living the life you once were and be able to return to your father.

the townsfolk are probably only able to help you as much as the people in dune can--as in they're completely powerless when it comes to a crew like halateez so it's best you don't trouble anyone.

the best bet for now is to stay in hiding until you're safe and then go from there.

you manage to make it to another public restroom, using the crowd and scenery to blend in, running to the men's this time because it would be harder and unpredictable if they were to try to find you.

you breathe an air of relief when you finally sit down on the toilet seat, your back and just about every bones still sore and hurting but you're just so happy to have come this far.

the front of your hands and elbows are bleeding, using the toilet papers to quickly mend away the pain for now until you can get actual help later on if you make this.

then you wait and wait, each steps whether loud or quiet into the restroom making your heart jump in uneasiness, until a ruckus outside takes you and what sounds like about everyone's attention.

that must be them--san and the rest of his men doing what they do best; doing the same thing they did to the people of dune.

the voice confirms your suspicion, though it doesn't belong to san, the familiarity still rings a memory so clear.

"listen up! we want a thousand coins from each house within an hour! if you don't have it, you better find a way!" the man threatens, his right hand holding a gun that sits on his shoulder so smoothly.

you hate them so much. every one of them.

what rights do they think they have by taking away from others and playing god?

you wish you could do something but the hard to swallow truth is you can't. if you could, you wouldn't have been in this position in the first place.

you're no different than anyone currently being held hostage and threatened by these stupid pirates.

so you wait some more. wait so long that you've lost track of time and the night has gone so quiet, you haven't heard a single footstep or any signs of life nearby for a while now.

maybe you should wait it out longer until the sun comes up at least and increase the chances of being in the clear, but it has very certainly turned dark quite a while ago and probably past midnight.

you can feel the goosebumps on your skin raise from just the realization that you're alone in the restroom at night in a town you have little knowledge regarding.

it's way too quiet and late for halateez to still be at the dock.

san said they'd be leaving before it gets dark, and surely you don't mean that much to him just yet that he'd make the ship delay their route when he hasn't even known you for a week.

you can probably make it to the town hall, recalling seeing it on your way and maybe ask if the mayor or anyone can help.

you don't know if you can bear staying here for another hour.

quietly peeking out the stall, you walk with cautious steps and a conscious fully alarmed when exiting the restroom, ignoring spine-chilling sensation you get from the setting as you make your way to the town hall following a path you believe should lead you there.

the closer you get, the smaller the anxiety brewing in your chest becomes, feeling as if safety and security is only so close, you can reach it if you just walk a little faster.

your pace picks up and for a second there, you see the light. your heart beating faster and your breath harsher from the distance traveled here, because just a little more and you'll make it.

all it takes for your dreams and such a bright future ahead to be crushed is the sudden hand that appears out of thin air and latches onto your wrist at such a speed you can't even react to as it flings your body to the side and drags you away.

you think the same man san sent found you, when the figure comes to an abrupt stop and turns around, wishing that it had been him instead of san himself.

you swallow in fear, never in your life have you ever felt so scared before.

he stares down at you still in his disguise except the mask that has come off, a burning look of anger in his eyes and you can't predict what he's gonna do at all.

you fucked up. you officially got caught and ruined probably your only chance of ever escaping.

god, you feel so hopeless.

"what did i fucking tell you?" he growls lowly into the night, feeling his grip on you get tighter with every spoken word. "i warned you, didn't i?"

you're in such shock, mind out of ideas until the only thing you can think of in the moment to still possibly salvage the situation is to immediately scream for help.

you barely get more than one shriek when san pulls you toward him, flushed against his chest and one hand gripping at your jaw to shut you up.

"if you know what's good for you, you'd shut up and go back nicely. besides, what can these pathetic people do for you? you'll end up right back in my arms either way."

you spit in his face, pushed to your absolute limit and way past the point of caring.

"fuck you," you curse at him. "i will never like you. i hate you. hate you, you hear me?" you deliver your words with such boldness and resentment despite the tears starting to brew.

you almost expect him to hit you, but instead, he hurls out a deep and sinister chuckle, wiping the spit off with his free hand and angles you to look up at him with the grip he still has on your jaw.

"since you love spitting so much, i'm 'oughta teach that mouth of yours some respect."

you have no idea what he means until he suddenly crashes his lips onto yours in a swift motion, allowing you no room to breathe except to stubbornly close off your own lips and deny him any entrance or satisfaction.

though you're desperately trying to fight back, both palms at his chest trying to push him away, he barely moves from his spot because he's so much stronger than you.

not only have you ever felt so hopeless, but now also violated as this person who's already stripped you of your future is trying to take ownership of your body, too.

it's the longest few seconds of your life when all you can focus on are the sloppy movements of his tongue, finally able to free yourself when he loosens up, pushing him away as you weep quietly into the night.

you don't get the time to mourn or cry about the fact this man just took your first kiss by force given he has no sympathy and only seems to care about himself.

"if you wanna make it through the night, you better keep that mouth shut and rethink any other ideas you have in mind, because trust me, i can do much worse."

you absolutely don't doubt he can, which is why you keep your sobs quiet while he drags you by the wrist to that godforsaken ship you thought you would never see again.

"san, it hurts," you try telling him plenty of times throughout the trip back only for your pleads to go in vain.

he doesn't care how tight he's holding onto you or how fast he's walking and that you're unable to keep up. this is your punishment for what you've done and he's gonna make sure you feel the wrath of it.

when you guys finally aboard the ship, he drags you through the few people watching just as harshly.

some wearing the same outfit as him but with masks on and some without--one of them you recognize as jongho, and then the rest in much casual attire similar to the man san sent with you in the first place.

you meet jongho's eyes briefly and you can't tell if it's sympathy that's present in them due to how fast san is moving until the door to the cabin you've been trapped in for the past days is standing in front of you.

with a quick unlock, it all happens so fast you can't even process san tossing you onto the bed until you're planted face first, turning on your back only to cower away in fear of what he's gonna do--especially now that you two are actually alone.

you're able to make out his features better in the ship's lighting, a look of unamused and anger crossing both at once that makes you regret the events of today.

he gave you a clear warning and you defied it. there's no way you're coming out of this unscathed.

and you don't wanna think about what could be even worse than forcefully shoving his tongue down your throat.

there's a few seconds of stare off as you try to predict his next moves.

"you're sleeping in the bed with me from now on. i don't wanna hear it," he tells you sternly.

you keep your mouth shut, knowing that continuously pissing san off is probably the last thing you wanna do right now, especially after having annoyed him enough for today.

"did i make myself clear?"

when you don't say anything, he walks closer that you can barely stutter out a, "y-yes."

"great. when i come back, i better see it."

and he walks out, the aftermath of the door shutting is the first peace and relief you get after being in the presence of him.

you really don't wanna do it but there's no other choice. you've ran yourself into this corner and the only way out--at least for now--is to abide by his rules.

you finally hop into bed after a few minutes of mentally battling yourself.

being able to sleep on an actual bed for what feels like a while is the upside, so it sucks that you're gonna have to share it with what is basically the spawn of satan himself.

you just hope to fall asleep fast enough so you won't have to deal with it when he actually comes back. praying that when you wake up the next morning, he'll also be gone before you know it.

but too much is going through your mind; your thoughts absolutely consuming, that before you can even black out, you hear the fidgeting of the door handle and then the opening of it, much to your disappointment.

you force your eyes shut, pretending to be asleep but the smallest curiosity has you opening just one eye to see what he's doing, having to keep from reacting when you can make out his shirtless torso.

when he senses some movements and suddenly snaps your way, you have to keep up the act of being asleep although the sounds of his clothes hitting the floor makes you extremely uncomfortable.

it gets harder to keep it up the second he starts crawling onto bed, pulling up the blanket to situate himself under and then next to you, his chest now flushed against your back and you just wanna kick him off already.

you think it can't get any worse but he proves you wrong by snaking an arm around your waist and practically crushes you with his own skin until you can feel something hard rubbing against the back of your thighs.

"i know you're not asleep," he whispers into your ear, the surprise making you flinch as your eyes open fully to darkness.

you can't see him but you can hear his genuine and amused laughter, immediately attempting to pry off his arm much to no use.

"shhh. don't try to fight it."

and maybe the weight of today finally hit you, because you don't even have the strength to fight him anymore. between sleeping in the same bed with san and him occasionally placing small kisses at your neck, you eventually manage to fall asleep.

the next couple of days goes by with you holding your breath every second you're with him.

he has become stricter; although he didn't let you out of the cabin before, he's now made it an official rule you cannot go out unless he gives you permission.

if he has to leave for his daily business, he makes one of his men guard the door outside and practically has you on watch 24/7.

if he can't bring you food himself, he'd also leave it to them. your whole entire world is basically the perimeter of this room.

you have become so bored (though you've rather be bored and not have him here than be alerted with him), you begged him to let you do something or at least give you something to do.

he dropped off a bunch of books and told you to "do whatever you want with it."

he also tries to treat your injuries at one point despite your stubbornness that finally shows its head again after some time--a stubbornness that only gets worse when you discover something.

because just when you think san's already cruel enough, he goes even further to really show you just how much of an asshole he really is.

the first argument after your little attempted escape happens the night they return from port cove, when you happen to see the man who accompanied you that day to scorched bay when you needed to "use the restroom".

him and someone else were assigned to keep watch on you while the rest were out doing what they do best to the new place they just arrived in, and you just so happened to see him all bruised and battered through the small crack of the door window, or at least in a recovery state where you can still see very clearly the marks made on him.

you confront san as soon he walks into the room and starts his usual undressing for the night.

"were you the one who did that? to the guy that was with me at scorched bay?" you ask, sitting at the edge of the bed.

he almost has to do a double take, the question catching him offguard but not more than the fact you're even talking to him. you usually never do.

"yeah?" he answers, more like a question in return because why are you asking.

an inaudible gasp leaves your mouth at that, the reality setting in that this is who you're really messing with.

someone capable of inflicting physical harms onto others without an ounce of regret or sympathy.

"why?" he adds, his tone starting to sound more taunting. "you have something to say about it?" his head tilts at you mockingly, his hands stopping short at the waistband of his pants.

you gulp before speaking, "i-i just don't think you should've done that."

"and why not? he's one of my men. shouldn't i discipline him if he fails to carry out an order?"

"but it wasn't his fault."

"then whose fault was it?" he tests you, mirth in his eyes and if you could, you would punch him.

"m-mine," you stutter out.

he moves closer to you, your body naturally shrinking and your throat feeling tight.

"then should i punish you instead?" he bends down to look you in the eyes but you're quick to avoid his gaze, grabbing a pillow to stand up and head for the floor at the end of the bed.

"just being with you is already enough of a punishment," you mutter to yourself but you know he hears it, if the chuckle from behind means anything.

"i'm sleeping on the floor tonight," you tell him, setting the pillow down and immediately laying flat, regretting starting the conversation and now just hoping he'll leave you to be.

surprisingly, he shrugs it off and doesn't fight you on it.

"your choice. but if the waves ever gets too much and you wanna hop in bed again, know i'll always welcome with open arms."

the way he says it makes your skin crawls, feeling more annoyed than ever and just wanting to fall asleep for the sake of it all.

"goodnight, love," he coos the same time the bed creaks from above, your only response is to let out a slight puff through your nose.

you probably haven't said more than three words to san in the past couple of days, going out of your way to avoid conversations and only giving him the cold shoulder whenever he's around.

you still haven't slept on the bed since and he doesn't seem to care about it despite making it one of the rules you have to follow.

maybe he's so relaxed about it because he knows you can't do anything even if you act as tough as a nail; at the end of the night, you're still stuck in this stupid cabin with him.

on a day you're passing time the only way you can, he busts into the room earlier than usual and knocks you out of the page you're reading.

"get dressed," he demands out of thin air.

"what?"

"change into something more fitting, i'm bringing you out to meet the rest of the guys."

the book in your hands is forgotten, the mere idea of finally getting the hell out of this tiny cabin more enticing even if you're gonna have to meet a bunch of other guys probably like san.

you're just happy to catch some fresh air in what feels like forever.

"what should i change into?" you ask, watching him walk over to the top drawer as he pulls something out, turning back to extend an arm.

you look down at the fabric and see what looks like a white dress, taking it from him with slight hesitance.

you're about to ask more questions but he's already walking past you, only muttering out, "come out to the deck when you're ready." and leaving you with no choice but to follow his order.

you inspect the piece more closely after, seeing it's a white square neck midi dress and just wondering where does san even get these things from before eventually changing into it.

--

even if you don't know the ship too well, it's not hard to find where exactly san wants you to be; the noises hard to miss and coming from one direction only.

you've never gotten a proper look at the ship considering the only times you had the chance to, san's quick to rush you through it, you've never even realized just how detailed and cluttered everything is.

ropes and barrels almost everywhere and the sea smells much saltier out here, watching the way waves crashes against each other in front of your very eyes just under your feet.

when you make it out to the deck and feel the first pair of eyes on you, it's as if everyone else follows and you suddenly become the center of attention.

the once loud chitters comes to a stop the second you arrive and all you can hear is the background music, scanning the surrounding and seeing jugs of alcohol and men of all kinds standing around with smiles on their faces moments just before you arrived.

you swallow the knot in your throat and look for anything to detract the attention--a familiar face maybe, spotting san at a table a few feet away with two other men before noticing jongho just mere inches from you and alone.

you've barely spoken to jongho but he's the only other person here that you know. and frankly, you feel a lot safer with him given he has shown to have at least some sympathy towards you.

you walk quickly and sit yourself down just right across from him; such choice taking him aback before he eventually breaks the ice.

"don't feel like sitting with san?" he quirks an eyebrow.

"don't feel like ever doing anything with him, to be honest," you let slip even though it might not be the best idea to bad mouth him in front of his people, but jongho just laughs it off.

"why are they all even looking at me?" you add, evidently bothered by all the stares.

"they're curious about you. we all are."

you sigh and roll your eyes at that.

"you all want to see the poor soul he has under his grip?" you say sarcastically despite the lack of animosity and that jongho actually comes off quite genuine.

"no. he just has been talking about you a lot. nonstop. aside from me, yunho, and mingi, none of the other guys and seamen on the ship has really gotten a close look at you. san's a bit stingy."

"stingy is an understatement."

jongho snickers lowly.

"it took a lot of convincing to get him to finally let you out here. hongjoong said it isn't good to keep you in one place for too long... that you might start going crazy."

"well, hongjoong would be right. whoever he is."

"hongjoong's our captain," jongho says, nodding off to a direction you follow, unexpectedly meeting san's unamused gaze. "the one on the left of san. and then to the right would be seonghwa, our quartermaster. when hongjoong isn't around, he takes the lead."

you raise a brow, quite unfamiliar with all these pirate terms but you're learning.

"and you guys steal for a living?" you quip, relieved everyone has gone back to chit chatting and minding their own business as more music and voices fill the background.

you can see the conflicts written all over his face. from what you've known of him so far, jongho seems like a rather decent person it's almost hard to believe he's one of the pirates currently posing a threat to the citizens of wonderland.

"we don't steal because we want to, but because we have to. i know it's hard to believe but it's the truth."

"you guys surely don't seem to feel very bad about it, though..."

jongho is silent, a part of him knows that you're not entirely wrong. but also not entirely right.

"some of us manages to stay true to ourselves despite the circumstances and some loses it along the way. just all part of it, i guess."

it's almost as if he's talking to himself, the bittersweet tone in his voice and the sadden smile, his eyes kept to the table until he finally looks up to you again.

"i know it doesn't excuse his behaviors, but san's had it quite rough before we eventually took him in as an official member. always been a little fucked in the head but he's reliable and gets things done, which is why hongjoong made him the gunner. his violent nature has benefitted us more than not."

you visibly grimace at such information, or maybe it's just the mention of san himself.

"so you guys just let him run loose and do whatever he wants?" like stealing the future of an innocent girl.

jongho recognizes your anger, knowing you're in the absolute right to cry, kick, and scream about this.

"hongjoong did advocated to let you go when he found out but san said you already saw his face and mine and that it would be too dangerous to let you go. i'm sorry."

you certainly wanna cry about just being let go and you won't ever tell on them but you know it's not even worth it.

"so what do you do? i mean, everyone else seems to have a role, you must too, no?" you switch the subject.

he chuckles, a soft smile on his lips after.

"i thought you'd never ask. i'm the crew's navigator. no one knows the ins and outs of wonderland better than i do. at least no one on this ship."

"really?" you beam, the first time you ever felt true and pure excitement ever since stepping foot here. "like... you also have a map?"

he nods.

"can i... can i see it?" you ask shyly, to a genuine giggle from jongho.

"yeah, of course. i was just gonna work on it."

you watch in amazement as he turns to his side to fidget at something before pulling out the rolled up map in the palm of his hand, spreading it out on the table as your eyes go wide.

"wow," you sing, one finger tracing along the drawn islands, towns, rivers, and just about everything with names labeled on each. "this is amazing."

jongho hums along, nodding.

"sorry," you apologize, blushing lightly when you realize just how excited you might've come off. "it might sound silly but it was always my dream to make my own map of wonderland."

"is that so?"

"yeah... i've studied charts, currents, winds, coastlines, and read just about almost everything from the local library regarding the geography of wonderland. of course, nothing beats actually seeing the places for yourself. i hear each maps are always a little different. some more detailed than others. still, i think it'd be fun to create one of my own."

"you can!" he says just as elated as you. "how about... i give you some papers and pens to start with? i mean, it's a start, right?"

"that'd be awesome. it would also really give me something to do in that tiny cabin."

you're actually having such a good time with jongho as he tells you about his finding, walking you through every little thing on the map until you're both joined by the addition of yeosang and wooyoung, two other official members of the main crew.

you learn yeosang is the officer, usually in charge of giving everyone else not on the main crew their daily tasks, and then wooyoung is the cook--the brilliant mastermind behind all of the meals you consume.

the three are so much more lighthearted and easy to talk to compared to san and the other two you had the displeasure of meeting first, you almost wanna be in denial that they're even remotely on the same team.

you might've gotten a little too comfortable and carried away by the presence of the three that you have forgotten about san and completely misses his disapproving gaze the entire time.

it's only when wooyoung suddenly stops mid-sentence and gulps down nervously that you ask what's wrong.

"it's probably best you return to san. he doesn't look very happy."

you glance his direction again and can feel the hostility from the distance, the way he chugs at his drink and loudly slams it down on the table after, the sight already making you dread having to be alone with him.

maybe you should've just sat with him. but then again, he did say he wanted you to meet the guys... which you did, a couple of them at least.

you frown at wooyoung's suggestion, your expression already enough of a response that you'd rather much stay here but you don't say it, instead opting to watch san get out of his seat and laser you a glare before storming off.

you just roll your eyes in return, hoping to resume whatever conversation you were having with the guys and not have to worry about what awaits you after all this.

the rest of the night goes by and you probably feel the most relaxed you've been in a long while, only trying to enjoy the small moments and not think about what horrible things these guys are capable of in spite of actually being quite nice to talk to.

hongjoong and seonghwa shortly introduced themselves after san's departure, and the longer you're with hongjoong the more you can understand why he's the chosen captain.

something about him; the way he talks and presents himself, an aura so strong that you can feel it by just briefly locking eyes for a few seconds.

he controls the topics and knows exactly what to say to keep it going.

seonghwa is a lot more soft-spoken on the other hand, the kind to let things flow and let the people around him talk rather than take charge.

point is, you had a much better time than expected, you don't even wanna go back into that suffocating cabin if not for the night slowly coming to an end.

you bid farewell to the guys and make your way back to the cabin with a tight throat, every second closer to the door makes you wish you could turn back the other way.

you can see from the small window it's pitched black, knocking twice quietly with baited breath before just twisting the knob and finding it unlocked.

keeping the door opened while you reach for the lantern on the side, you jump the second the room lits up and you're finally able to make out san's eyebrows creasing together and with a gaze that could kill while he's sitting on the end of the bed with hands planted onto the sheet, having waited for you the entire time and not asleep like you thought he was.

"had your fun?" he speaks with a tone you can't quite read into, head lowering to the pen and parchment paper jongho had given you.

you clear your throat, shutting the door behind and setting both of it down on the free space shared with the lantern.

"yeah," you answer casually, unaware to the bubbling tension and that such carefree attitude might just be making it worse, walking past him to head for your clothes sitting on top of the drawer. "the guys were a lot more tolerable than i thought."

you mumble the same time you grab your clothes, "i'm gonna change so if you can--" your words dying in your throat midway when you barely spin around and san's already standing tall in front of you, you're literally only centimeters away from bumping into his chest.

"--go out," you finish off awkwardly, the way he has you cornered suddenly shifting the atmosphere--or maybe you just haven't noticed.

"thick-skinned of you to be acting so modest now when you were just throwing yourself at everyone earlier," he accuses, that same look of anger showing but now with something else as well. jealousy.

you retract, offended at such false claims.

"what the hell are you talking about? you wanted me to meet them and i did. that was all that happened."

"all that happened, huh? well you seemed to really enjoy yourself out there with all the attention."

you're in complete and uttter disbelief, you're not even sure what to say; only feeling smaller with his voice raising over you with such ridiculousness.

"whatever, san. think whatever you wanna think, but if you can leave for just a minute so i can finally--"

the clothes fall out of your grasp when he roughly grabs at both your wrists and cuts your words short due to the shock.

"you know what i hate more than a disobedient little bitch?" he growls lowly in your face, the goosebumps on you raising at that. "a disobedient little bitch who's also a whore."

he throws you onto the bed so fast you can barely process it, your worst fear coming to life when he crawls on top of you and traps you in between his arms.

your breathing becomes hitched and you try with your utmost strength to push him away but the effort goes to waste, his hands going to restrain your own as he pins them down onto the sheet beside your head.

and as if you haven't learned your lesson the first time, you spit right in his face again and he's expectedly pissed off about it... more than he already is.

he lets go of one of your hands to shove it under your dress to your protest, kicking with your legs and pushing with your free hand so he doesn't reach the place you're most afraid he would.

"san, please... stop," you cry, all you can do is hit his shoulder pathetically with whatever strength still left in you, but of course, he doesn't listen.

you feel his fingers sneak past your undergarment and to the very spot you've always thought only a lover should feel and see. not someone like san.

the warmness of his fingers running along your flesh has never made you feel so dirty in your life, but when you look into his eyes and see the sinister smile plastered so smugly on his lips, all you can feel is hatred.

his fingers entering you makes you shutter in disgust even if you arch your back slightly and let just the smallest moan slip, you realize in this very moment where you're powerless, the only thing that still holds some of that power are your words.

so you aim to hurt.

"i don't care. you can take my body, you can take whatever you want, but you'll never take my heart. i hate you and i always fucking will!" you shout at him, some of the smugness disappearing slowly at that.

"shut the fuck up!" he curses back, his speed picking up with his anger, but you just keep going.

"you ruined my life! i was doing just fine before you came along, and i already have someone i love! if you didn't take me, i would still be with him!"

that seems to about done it, his fingers stopping the same time his chest heaves in and out with fumes brimming under his nose.

"you think i give a fuck about that? about him? about whether you two loved each other?" he gets in your face. "you're mine now and i can do whatever i want to you."

you're just about to bite back when he roughly takes your lips in for a messy kiss and his fingers in your core goes back to pumping in and out at such a pace that has you almost squirming.

you shouldn't feel like this. you should only hate everything about this but your body has a mind of its own and you can't deny the pleasure overflowing from the work of san's fingers.

he's kissing you too roughly--biting, pulling and tugging, you have to brace your hold onto his shoulders just to keep from falling out of place.

"you act like you hate it, but you actually fucking love it, slut," he pulls from the kiss briefly to say, not allowing a response from you before crashing his lips onto yours again.

it all goes on for a while too long until you feel the walls of your vagina close in on his fingers and he finally pulls out with a plop the same time he breaks the kiss.

you feel dirty, used, and pathetic after. especially still laying in bed trying to catch your breath with your core still soaking wet, watching as san says nothing but gets up and leaves the room with a slam of the door.

you haven't seen san since he stormed off two days ago after such an experience that you'd rather forget about.

every time thinking back to it, you feel disgusted with yourself for even finding the slightest pleasure and enjoyment in a moment where you shouldn't--the guilt building in your stomach whenever the scene plays out again, and all you can think of is minsoo.

it's as if you've betrayed him--letting another man touch you in ways he shouldn't be allowed to.

different people comes in and out through the day to bring you food, each of them you cannot put a name to.

it's usually at 7 p.m. where your last meal is delivered, expecting for another nameless face to show but is taken aback when you see it's jongho himself.

he has a plate of cooked fish and water on the side, greeting you with a thin smile as he steps into the room and sets the food aside.

"how's things going for you?" he asks, voice a tinge of pity already.

you've been busying yourself with the same parchment paper and pen that jongho gave you, having drawn the cardinal directions and just about almost every islands belonging to those areas that you're aware of--its existence at least.

"i'm... alive, i guess?" because you're not really living. at this point, you're merely just breathing and coping. "how about san? i haven't seen him in two days."

it's not that you care. you much rather prefer it this way, but you just wonder what else he could be doing.

"he's upset."

you scoff, genuinely surprise someone like san can even remotely feel such an emotion.

"about what?" you ask dryly because you're failing to believe it.

"he wouldn't tell us all of it, but something about you having another lover already."

you keep quiet out of incredulity, because he can kidnap you and force things against your will, but dare you say something back that holds some truth and he's like a wounded animal.

"he said he'll be coming back tomorrow," jongho informs, seeing the irritation mixed with horror that crosses your face the second you hear those words.

"listen, y/n," he continues, voice still full of that softness you know jongho to sound like, but it's similar to the first time he met you in this cabin again, almost as if he's lecturing you. "i know it sucks."

"yeah, it does suck," is all you say, at this point derived of pretty much all hopes and chances of leaving this ship.

"but if you want to raise the odds of getting out of here, you have to stay on san's good side."

just jongho saying that feels like the first slip of sunlight you've gotten in ages; the revive of hope, even if only slightly. your eyes go wide and you can only stare before blurting, "you mean it?"

he still looks hesitant but eventually nods.

"we're now heading west... we've been for a couple of days now. i'm sure you're somewhat familiar with the myths regarding the seas surrounding the west. they're bigger, more dangerous, unpredictable... especially rocky port."

you only nod and continue to let him speak.

"it's the one place the guys want to avoid, though i've been trying to convince them we should try for it. i've been studying the currents and tide surrounding the area and i think we can make it there safely if we go at certain times but they still think it's too risky. lots of pirates and sailors are known to not make it out of the area."

"my point is," he adds, shaking his head as if going off on an unrelated tangent, "you have to convince san to head to rocky port. if he's with it, he might be able to get the rest to reconsider. and if you do make it happen, i'll help you escape."

your throat closes up, too much information to process and so many questions at once, but at the same time still able to feel the thrill from just the possibility of being free.

"how exactly is something i'm still working on, but i know all of their schedules; when san goes in and out of the cabin. i'll be the one to bring you food when most convenient and when i eventually think of something."

"but how am i gonna be able to convince him?" you ask, probably the part you're most confused about.

conflict is written all over his face before he answers, "you have to win his heart. whatever you have to do, it's the only way to gain his trust."

he looks over his shoulder to the door. "i have to go. i know this is asking a lot of you in return but there's no reward without risk, and we're both gonna be taking pretty big ones, so think of it as an exchange of favor."

when you don't say anything, he excuses himself, his back facing you.

"wait," you stop, just short of his grip on the door handle. "why are you helping me?"

you can see his smile from the side, his head only slightly turned back to look at you.

"because i think you deserve to choose your own destiny, don't you also?"

and even though he phrased it like a question, it's more of a statement because he doesn't let you answer, bidding you a goodnight and walking out leaving you to digest what happened just now.

--

you don't fully grasp the meaning of jongho's words until you're left to your own devices moments later, tossing and turning in bed.

“but if you want to raise the odds of getting out of here, you have to stay on san’s good side.”

“you have to win his heart. whatever you have to do, it’s the only way to gain his trust.”

the comprehension makes your skin crawls and you feel dirty all over again, similar to the last night you saw san.

but the cold, hard truth is that this is the world you're living in now. a world that you cannot survive in unless you strip yourself bare of any ounce of dignity and self-respect you have.

that if it's the only way you can possibly make it back to your father and minsoo again, you might have to take the chance.

betray who you are and lie in the face of the person you hate the most just to have your life back in your hand, though it should've never been taken in the first place.

san returns the following day just as jongho said he would; a creak of the door while you work on correcting details of the map, unmoved from your seat all day.

you look over your shoulder and merely meet his eyes but neither of you says anything before you pull away to look back down at the map.

there's a minute of silence just listening to him shuffle behind you, the small room allowing you to feel his presence not far away, glancing back as discreetly as possible to see he's unbuttoning his now white shirt.

if you have a choice, you wouldn't do it. but jongho's words ring loudly in your ears and all you can hear is the mission you're out to fulfill and the freedom that might come from it.

you take a deep breath and brace yourself for whatever's about to happen, sure enough that you've thought it through after a night of restless sleeping.

standing from your seat, you walk over to san and you can tell even he's surprise when your hands suddenly overtakes his on one of the buttons he's working through.

he glares at you, raising a brow in response.

"what?" he says coldly.

you clear your throat before speaking. "i-i just want to help you... as an apology for the other day."

you can barely look at him, afraid that he just might be able to see through you--and as much as you hate his guts, you have to admit he's attractive with very prominent features that complements the work he does.

he smirks at your answer because for someone like san, nothing strokes his ego more than thinking he's in the right; feeling your heartbeat multiply when he slowly pulls you in closer.

you thought you were ready to sacrifice anything but every inch of space closed off between you two, the doubts start creeping up if you truly are ready, given how much you actually wanna run.

"is that so?" his breath ghosts against your skin, proceeding to lift your chin up to lock eyes that has you blinking in apprehension; just the way he's staring at you sends a jump of butterflies to your stomach.

you only nod, trying to keep yourself from faltering on the spot when he goes to guide your fingers with the last three buttons, unclasping them one by one with a tension in the air that only grows when the last one comes undone.

his naked torso sits in front of you, and though you've seen it a couple times by now, you don't think you ever truly want to admire it more than right now, tracing the lines of his abs and rubbing over the bumps tenderly by your own doing.

soon, you take it upon yourself to pull the shirt off as it drops to the floor, the sight in front of you almost too delicious but wrong at the same time.

still, you have to get on his good side, staring up at him and biting at your lips like he's the only person you're ever gonna need for the rest of your life.

he's quick and fast to fulfill the look in your eyes, pulling you even closer by your arms until you're flushed against his bare chest and now trying to hide the fear despite knowing it's too late to back out now.

"how sorry are you, exactly?" he teases, eyes lowering to mock you.

"r-really sorry," you stutter out, attempting to keep the composure.

"then show me." he almost growls but it actually comes out a lot more mellow, his head dipping in for an immediate kiss that unlike any of the ones before, you don't fight it.

instead, you wrap your arms around his neck and return the kiss like you mean it. like you don't actually loathe his guts and wanna throw him overboard.

clashing your tongue along with his and continuing that even when your back hits the sheet of the bed and he's hovering over you before pulling away, a look in his eyes never so hungry and desperate in his life.

you watch as he unbuckles his pants and sees the bump protruding from his underwear, time seemingly passing by so slow and torturous you just wish for it to be over with.

and after a couple more minutes of passionately making out (at least that's what it looks like) where he undresses you in the process, he sends his fingers down the same way they were in before the last time you two were in this position.

moans and cries of pleasure escapes your lips against your will until your vision fills itself with only stars, your skin also betraying you and shuttering when he whisper words of insults into your ear.

"you look much better like this. under me where you belong."

and when he finally spreads your legs and rules over your body the only way he can--a squirm leaving you when he buries his entire length inside your cunt, the conflict swirling in your stomach reaches its height.

you've ever only imagined doing such a thing with someone you love, your heart clenching and a lone tear escaping at the fact that won't be happening anymore.

despite still having your arms around his neck and displaying no signs of resistance, you think of minsoo and your father to get through with it.

that you're doing it for a greater good; a chance. and one day, it will be worth it, even if it doesn't seem like it currently.

--

you learn what it means to really get on san's good side. that only when you throw away any ounce of respect you have for yourself, that's when you get his in return.

he's nicer to you and talks nicer to you, a sweet tone always on his tongue every time he tucks a hair behind your ear or every time he meets your eyes--staring at them so lovingly like he wasn't the one bringing out tears from them not even that long ago.

but you go with it. of course you do. stare at him right back with blinking lashes and return the same sweet words you don't even mean, all because he finally lets you out of the cabin.

not only allowing you out when he says so, but whenever you want. whenever you wanna get some fresh air or just walk around the ship, he said.

doing so has led you into the two other boys you haven't properly met up until this point--yunho and mingi, who were almost as responsible as san for your capture, and who doesn't seem to be as approachable as the others, always with a cold look on both their faces.

it just makes sense they were the ones to help san.

but on the bright side, sometimes while on the deck, you'll catch jongho coming from his cabin or already at a table, always sending you a smile and a knowing look.

though san lets you roam freely, a luxury you've still haven't earned is being able to talk to anyone.

he doesn't seem to trust you regarding that just yet, or maybe because every time you bring it up, there's still always that tinge of jealousy present similar to the first night when you finally met the other guys.

luckily, you don't have the need to talk to anyone but jongho, who does so as he said he would--sneaking an appearance in one day when it's time to eat.

it's also the one thing you told san you'd be okay with still doing in your room even if he gave you permission to go out with the rest. all so you can get the chance to speak one on one with jongho to know where exactly the plan is heading.

"how are you doing?" he asks, sitting across from you in the spare chair as you make the end of the bed your home.

to be in your position is tough. he knows this. he didn't wanna say it. tell you what you really have to do to get someone like san to even remotely look at you as a person of your own.

"it's been alright," you answer, doubting for second if it's the right one.

if you truly have been brainwashed, used to being confined down here like a prisoner all day that even being able to go out and catch some air is considered a privilege.

you should be more bitter and spiteful because in the end, no matter how high the highs are, it's still at the cost of yourself.

"i'm sorry again. for making you do this. it's... the only way i know how to get you out."

you shake your head, again with the half-baked lies you're feeding yourself, but you need the push to keep going so that the reality doesn't set in. something positive in all of this mess.

"it's fine, trust me," you tell him, as much as you're trying to tell yourself. "i'm okay. as long as we go through with it, it won't be for nothing."

because san's actually quite tender and loving after sex; his temper and need for aggression seemingly having died down after the first night and you're at least glad for that.

jongho stays silent, maybe a part of him already knows how you're feeling even if you don't say so.

"we'll be hitting up mist island tomorrow. it'll be the first place from the west. shortly after should be rocky reef. you have about four days from now to convince san. after reef, if we don't head for port after, the guys will make a detour and it'll be too late."

"also," he adds, "it's best you don't wander while we're still in the west. again, the waves are more aggressive here and it's gonna be pretty hard on the ship for the meantime."

you nod understandably.

"no chance of us flipping over or anything?" you let the joke slip as an attempt to lighten the mood.

jongho snickers lowly.

"i hope not," he replies with the same lighthearted tone. "no, but really. we'll be fine. i've advised them to take a less taxing route."

you smile at that, though the idea of the ship overturning doesn't sound too bad, especially if it takes san with it.

jongho goes on, "by the way, just so we're clear and you're not thinking why i didn't help you sooner, if there's a place that you'll have the best chance of successfully fleeing, it'll be rocky port. i heard they have one of the best systems, as well as some of the best sailors and navigators to know the sea due to having lived in such a rough area. it will be your best bet back to dune. plus, you said your father is sick?"

"yes."

"they have good medicines. plants known for curing diseases no man was able to. if you do return, it might help your father."

you've never felt happier (at least in the entirety you've been on this ship) that you might not only be free from san's grip but that there's also a chance you'll be able to help your father if he already hasn't gotten better.

"if i'm able to convince him, how would we go at it if we do get there?"

he quirks his lips slightly. "you make up some kind of excuse and i'll fight to be the one to escort you, whatever it is. from there, i'll give you all the coins you'll ever need to get someone to take you back to dune, along with any medicines you need for your father which i should be able to acquire considering we usually tour the places out of disguise beforehand."

"and if san comes looking for me?"

"he won't. i'll make sure he won't. just stay in hiding and don't even come out until the crack of dawn. our ship should be leaving by then and i'll also make sure of that. we also won't be stepping foot into any of the south seas again and if san tries, you can put your trust in me i'll do everything that doesn't happen."

you don't know whether to be impressed or scared the fact jongho seems to have thought just about everything through.

"thank you, jongho. really." your voice full of gratitude you can't express enough in words.

he smiles in response.

"no need to thank me. i'm just trying to do the right thing, i guess."

there's a few seconds where you guys just embrace the comfortable silence until jongho speaks again.

"i have to go. stay any longer and the others might start raising an eyebrow. good luck, okay? i'll talk to you soon."

you nod. "you, too. good luck."

it sounds like enough of a thorough and executable plan, right?

you can tell san's in the mood based on the first few gestures he makes when he gets in bed, usually whispering into your ear and running his fingers under your shirt if he's up for it--and delivering just a short kiss to your cheek and goodnight if he isn't.

when he sends a quick peck to your cheek, you're not surprise he doesn't want to tonight.

they'll finally be landing in the west tomorrow so the guys must've had quite a hefty discussion considering he was gone for most part of the day.

"san," you call his name quietly in the night, taking it upon yourself to start a conversation and shifting on your side to meet his eyes in the darkly lit room.

"yeah?" he replies.

he looks so calm in such a setting, his face deprived of any malice and signs that tells of the actual man he is.

"we'll be landing in mist island tomorrow?" you ask with feigning innocence.

"yeah."

"i-is it okay if i go out tomorrow? for a little bit? i really wanna see the place." you put on your sweetest tone because it's a genuine question. you do.

you've always wondered what islands, towns, and cities beyond dune are like, but even more so what's beyond the south seas. you hear they're more prosperous; filled with riches and buildings you won't ever see down in the south.

even the people are different.

but when san is seemingly unfazed, his thumb going to caress one side of your face instead, you already know the answer.

"sorry, dear. can't just yet. not until we get to the north at least. you'll be able to roam more freely then."

the north. you think of how nice that sounds. finally seeing for yourself what you've always dreamed of, as if places from fairytales you've been reading since you were a child coming to life.

but for once, you wish you won't have to see it. wish that the west--that rocky port is as far as you make it.

you take a deep breath, sighing into the night. "fine."

at least when they're gone tomorrow, it'll give you time to really think through a believable enough lie that'll get san and the rest to where you need to be.

--

the spot next to you is empty when you wake up, your head slightly throbbing whether from how the ship fought the sea of the west last night, or maybe it's the new chatters and voices of the morning.

one of the biggest signs of being close to land are the presence of other people.

the event of yesterday hits you, recalling the ship should now be in mist island, you're quick to peek outside the small window of the door, only able to see crates and maybe the heads of a few passersby.

it doesn't hurt to just get a glance, right? it's the least san should allow you to do if he isn't gonna let you out.

you twist the knob of the door, pushing it forward only to come face first with one of san's men standing outside. of course.

but the smell... it's fresher, your nose sniffing the air like a fish fresh out of water and the cold that grazes your skin along with a breeze is different.

you're not very used to such weather and condition because you grew up in the south where it was basically summer all year long--the reason why most of the places there are named either after the sun or the heat.

"you can't be out here," he tells you sternly that you almost wanna roll your eyes to.

"i know. i just wanna look for a bit."

you quickly scan the area (at least the parts you can see) with awe, noticing along the way the light fog that seems to grace the place permanently and sticking to its name of mist island.

the buildings isn't rundown or made of bamboo and whatever woods they could find, and though it doesn't hold the familiarity of dune and the south seas with townsfolk running all over the place, citizens still populates the sidewalks and talk to each other... in a more calm and tame manner.

no running or fooling around, a certain grace in even the way they stand, but especially in the way they dress.

no clothes that looks worned or unwashed, the fabrics clean and polished to the eyes.

"ma'am?" he breaks your train of thoughts, to which you really roll your eyes in return this time.

"i know."

you give the place one last admiration before stepping back inside the cabin of doom, jongho's words playing in your head.

"you have about four days from now to convince san. after reef, if we don’t head for port after, the guys will make a detour and it’ll be too late.”

you only have three more days. tonight, they will leave for reef and you're gonna need to strike as soon as possible--pacing around the room to think of anything you can possibly use against san.

he's an asshole, but he isn't stupid.

and after a few hours of going in circle, you think it just might work.

“they have good medicines. plants known for curing diseases no man was able to. if you do return, it might help your father.”

--

it's the next night after mist island and before they can even reach rocky reef. you figure the time is as good as now, giving san at least two days to think it through instead of stalling and only having one where he could possibly rush the decision.

his chest is pressed up against your back with his hard-on rubbing at your thighs, his fingers slowly sneaking under your shirt.

he's more likely to be in the mood on days where he does very little and has more energy reserved at the end of the night. you also made sure to be extra sweet to him today since you planned this out, but now going on to stop his hand short of reaching your breast.

"san," you call, similar to the other night.

"what?" he answers boredly, at this point already accustomed to you only calling his name when you need something, which you admit you're guilty of.

you turn to face him, holding your breath before spewing the first few words of the lie you've been brewing, having thought out every possible scenarios and responses ahead of time.

"i'm not feeling too well."

not only did you make sure you were on your best behaviors today, but you also made sure to act sick whenever he was around--coughing, sighing from time to time, lower energy, and maybe be a bit dramatic so he'll notice.

it doesn't seem like he did, or maybe he just doesn't care. but he won't have any reasons to doubt if you bring it up.

"i think it may be that i'm not used to the cold or maybe i caught something, i'm not sure," you add onto the lie when he doesn't say anything, only slightly raising a brow in response.

"and how long have you been feeling like this?"

"starting yesterday. i thought i was just feeling a little under the weather and it'd go away but it seems to have gotten worse today."

you wait in anticipation, not wanting to jump ahead of yourself. it's better you be patient and calculate the responses when the timing is right, but the way he looks just permanently stuck in a trance of thinking is slowly starting to tick you off.

"it shouldn't be too bad. it'll probably go away after a few days, and if not, we're reaching reef tomorrow and can get you something there."

well, he sure does have a way to disappoint.

"but what if it doesn't?" your pitch grows higher, even turning your lips downward for a pout. "c-can we go to rocky port after reef?"

you have expected the confusion to cross san and it's exactly what happens. but you also know that as much as san claims to give a shit about you, that reason alone isn't gonna be enough to move him.

"plus, wouldn't it also be good for you guys to go there? skipping an entire island means losing an entire island's worth of coins, goods... they also have advanced medicines and remedies. you guys can take some for the journey."

you can't tell if it's annoyance crossing him or he's just in deep thoughts trying to digest your words and weighing all the pros and cons of it.

"i'll think about it," he finally says after some time, much to your relief and joy.

it's a good start. not a definitive answer but at least he isn't dismissing the idea entirely.

"i'll have to talk it over with hongjoong and the rest first," he adds, to a nod from you and a smile he doesn't fully see in the dark. "if you're not feeling well, then get some rest . i'll talk to you in the morning."

he places a kiss to your forehead before pulling back to your blinking eyes.

"goodnight, san," you coo.

"goodnight."

--

you wake up a couple times throughout the night due to the harsher ripple of water, most of them to san staring back and attempting to calm you to sleep again.

for your final wake, he takes you into his arms and cradles you, resting his chin on top of your head that's buried into his chest as you close your eyes and let the drowsiness take over.

it's almost weird how safe you can feel in the presence of him in a situation like this.

--

the arrival to rocky reef is no different than before; only thing different is the time much later in the afternoon, allowing for you to spend some time with san, proceeding to ask him briefly before he leaves if you can take a look at the place from where you are.

he says to not make it too long, taking his official leave and sending one of his men outside the door again in replacement.

and if you think the people and buildings in mist island were nice, rocky reef is even nicer. it's plausible that at this point, the further you head north, the more sophisticated it will only get.

the entire time he's gone, you keep your head straight so you don't lose focus on your initial goal--that tonight, san has to make the decision or else it'll be too late.

"i got these for you," he says, handing you a bottle of pills after returning from the long day, his black attire still stuck to his skin. "you feeling any better?"

you shake your head, quite desperate at this point. you really need it to work or else you'd have to face jongho with the news of failure.

"not really," you answer, voice timid and sick to the best of your ability.

he doesn't say anything while he changes out of his shirt, facing you again when it's off--a look on him like something dying to leave his throat.

"i talked to hongjoong and the rest."

you keep calm and let him talk even if you can hear your own heartbeat in your ears.

"they said it'd be good to give it a try. rocky port... jongho's also talked about it before and knows a way around it."

"r-really?" your heartbeat seems to get louder, but this time out of relief and an excitement different from any before.

"yeah," he confirms, the smile on him morphing into a smirk at the state of you. "a bit esctatic, aren't you?"

you gulp. "well, yeah. i mean, i-i wasn't sure if it was gonna happen at all."

"it's gonna happen, and you have me to thank for."

the next two days are a mix of anxiety and thrill, now that you've set the course, all there's left is to execute it.

jongho shared a knowing nod just the other day when you passed by the deck, casually and naturally starting a conversation with you before quietly slipping a note that you opened only when you were alone.

i'm glad you followed through. i appreciate it. i haven't been bringing in foods because i want to avoid any attention and suspicions for when we do eventually arrive at port. i hope you're taking care of yourself in the midst of all of this. when we're there, i'll give you the sign and just follow my lead - jongho

you still carry on your performance of being unwell so san knows whatever he got you from mist island didn't work; the pretentious state serving you more benefits than you would've thought.

other than kissing you a good morning and good night and cuddling you from behind during sleep, he doesn't initiate any other forms of intimacy, you honestly can't believe you haven't put up the act sooner.

but even if he does, you console in the hope that in just a day, you'll be free from his grip forever; that you'll do anything in exchange for freedom even if that's spending another night with san, body tangled and having to catch your breath under him.

everyone has been warned to keep off the deck aside from jongho who knows the route more than anyone, so if san isn't stuck to the bed flipping through pages of whatever he's reading, he's sniffing the hair down your neck and taking interest in the progress you've made on the 'map' so far.

--

it's the most restless night of sleep you've ever gotten, having to reframe from tossing and turning due to your back being practically glued to san's chest, but you still stare into the darkness with a heavy heart.

everything you and jongho did is for this very moment. a part of you thrilled, of course, but another is also filled with doubts with just the smallest possibility of it going wrong.

what would san do to you if he found out? if he caught you in the midst of the plan and realized everything that has been going on. what would he do to jongho?

and exactly what sign is jongho gonna use? what if you miss it? your mind races with uncertainty, scaring yourself into sleep because you wouldn't want san to suspect why you're still up and about and with a heartbeat that's about to burst.

the morning after san leaves as he usually does, you pace around the room biting your nails in apprehension, eventually deciding to fold the map you've been working on the smallest you possibly can and shoving it into the pocket of your pants.

it's the only thing in this room worth bringing if you have to make a run for it now.

the voices outside seems to only get louder the more hours go by, and just when you're thinking when jongho's gonna give you any sort of sign, the knock at the door takes your breath away.

it's jongho, his expression neutral and eyes skimming past your shoulders into the room before uttering a "come with me".

you follow behind him to the rest of them on the deck, all their heads turning at once, but you especially don't miss san's--a rather unamused look on his face that makes you swallow the knot in your throat.

"i told you, i can take her myself," san says, glaring straight at jongho.

"no. hongjoong and the rest need you. it's best you stay here. we'll be back before you even know it," jongho assures, the way he talks full of confidence and you could almost believe him.

san fumes, annoyance written all over him, but before he can object again, seonghwa beats him to it.

"jongho's right. it's best he takes her. he knows the place better, and plus, we'll need you here in case anything happens."

you watch san struggle with himself, a word on the tip of his tongue not coming out and sighing in irritation until he eventually gives in.

"fine. but no later than evening, or else i'll come to scrounge these ground myself."

a calm smile rest at jongho's lips, his body bending forward to bow slightly. "of course."

as you follow jongho off the ship, you sneak a brief glance at san because if everything goes as planned, it'll hopefully be the last time you see him.

"what did you tell them?" you ask, when at a safe enough distance from the watchful eyes of the others.

"that it's best you go see a doctor," he explains.

"and where are we going exactly?"

"somewhere far enough from here," is all he says. you don't question him or even have the time to admire the scenery, your mind too entirely occupied by a single goal.

you just keep walking, not sure for how long but when jongho finally stops for the first time, your know your legs are gonna be sore tomorrow.

"here," he says, taking off the pouch that has been sitting around his waist the entire time and handing it to you. "it has all the coins you need to get someone to take you back and extra as well for anything else. i also dropped by the pharmacy as soon as we arrived and got what i could."

you're speechless, staring at the pouch a little too long. the moment bittersweet like saying goodbye to a lifelong friend.

"thank you, jongho," you tell him the same time you take the pouch, throwing it over your head and onto your shoulder like a crossbody bag. "i don't know how to thank you enough."

"there's no need. i already know, trust me," he comforts you with a smile. "you remember what i said, right?"

you nod, repeating the words he said to you last time, "stay in hiding and don’t even come out until the crack of dawn."

"good. i'll be on my way now."

you're surprise when his back is already to you and feet about to start walking away, your voice raising to stop him for one last time.

"jongho..."

he stops in place and turns to you only halfway, "yeah?"

"how are you gonna deal with it when san finds out?"

he smiles and proceeds to tell you calmly, "don't worry. i have my ways. good luck, y/n."

you take a short breath, choosing to believe in him.

"you, too. good luck, jongho."

6 months later

at the time, you weren't sure if it was gonna work; the chances of it all crashing down higher than not... but it did.

you stayed in hiding on a hungry stomach and barely any sleep even past the crack of dawn, the ship probably already gone for hours by the time you finally peeked around the corner, each steps bolder and closer to the dock to confirm the departure of the ship that filled your head with mostly negative memories.

from then, with the money jongho had given you, you were able to get someone to take you back to dune--the look on your father's face when you returned as vivid as the day it happened, as if you came back from the dead.

it's the same look minsoo and a few other townsfolk gave you, none of them able to accurately explain your disappearance; only that it happened the same day the pirates raided.

some thought you were dead, or worse--sold off somewhere, because there was no way a girl like you would be able to survive out in the seas with a group of thieves and possibly murderers.

they all considered your return a miracle, and so did you--the first couple of days bombarded with questions of your exact whereabouts and you remember not even knowing where to start.

you remember still processing everything and mourning for the life you thought you had lost; as if given another chance at it again.

everyone you told asked if you saw the faces of the pirates that took you, but you simply lied and said you didn't. you just think everything is better left in the past, not having to dwell on it or to want some kind of retribution for what happened.

you feel that somewhat and somehow, jongho must've known this; the fact you wouldn't rat them out.

but the event gave you a new outlook on life, how you used to want to get out of such a small place but now you have no other desire but to stay here with the people you love for as long as possible.

it taught you to be grateful for what you have because in any given second, those things could be taken away.

minsoo had been caring for your father during the time you were gone, and with the remedies and medicines jongho gave you, your father was able to recover within just a matter of days.

now, you've gone back to the routine of tending crops and animals with your father to make ends meet and you wouldn't trade it for the world--life seemingly back to just as it was before. safe and secure.

you spent the first two months in paranoia, afraid every single day that just by chance, jongho would break his promise or knowing how san is, he'd find a way back somehow.

only until you realized you were wasting more time worrying than living life did you learn to give it up. if he wanted to find you, he would've already.

but just because he wasn't next to you anymore didn't mean he still didn't hold some sort of power over you, ever since sleeping with him and doing things only lovers did, you no longer wish to do any of those with minsoo.

even if you hold great feelings for minsoo--feelings you can't ever hold for san, you can't help but to think of him at any thoughts of intimacy.

there isn't a single thing you're unable to talk about with minsoo, the boy the least judgmental person you know, but you won't ever tell him what you had to give up in order to come back to him.

--

the view from atop of the hill is the same as you remember, a few months ago your breath taken away when you finally saw it again for the first time in a while.

ever since, you and minsoo has been making it more of a habit to show--even more than before.

when you look out far enough, you can still picture all the other islands, towns, and settlements--most of them you've actually been to yourself. but now, only the mere idea of it sounds good.

you like being here, exactly where you are.

"so, you ever think of finishing the map?" minsoo would always ask, and you'd always tell him 'maybe'.

he thinks it's impressive but you wish he had seen jongho's work. sometimes, you get the urge to tell him about jongho and how much he helped you. but again, it's all things you wanna leave behind.

on the way home, you pick up a couple groceries to make soup for your father, learning new recipes a hobby of yours lately on top of picking up new books.

you've adapted to the routine even if it's repetitive, making sure your father eats before sending him off to bed so you can occupy yourself with whatever book you managed to find from the library this week for the next hour before calling it a night.

you're just about to sip on your tea when the knock at the door at such an odd hour takes your attention, placing the book down on the nearby table immediately and getting up from the seat.

if it's not minsoo, you don't know who else. unless one of the neighbors wanna complain again.

you fling the door open, a snarky remark already slipping because you're so sure it's minsoo. "why are you--"

but all you need for confirmation it's not him and that life really is so cruel and unfair, is for you to come face first with that stupid tattoo that is every reminder of the hell you thought you were free from.

that black ink on his chest in the shape of an ‘a’ and a circle you wanna scrape off just as much as the equally stupid smirk on his face.

"miss me, princess?"

a/n: story has been in my drafts for over a year now & iomt san rlly helped in finally making it happen. literally got most of my pirate knowledge from the one piece live action lmfaooo

[safetycar-restart]

thanks to the photos of charles blindfolded, i now want to see a blindfolded charles ride a dildo on the floor while he simultaneously fucks the fleshlight you're holding for him, watch him bounce up and down, his hole swallowing the dildo to the base while his cock goes in and out of the fleshlight. delightful!

Right well I know this was sent months ago but I am still obsessed with it and it's been far too long since we appreciated a very, very slutty Charlie ask so let's solve that immediately!

Firstly, I actually think Charles used to be afraid of blindfolds? When you first started scening with him he was absolutely terrified of not being able to see you, wouldnt even let you leave the room to fetch him water afterwards. So needless to say, you didnt even consider blindfolds.

But slowly you started to see how Charles relaxed? He started be less shy and reserved, started throwing himself against you because he knew you'd catch him. He started to slowly ask for more and more, specifically to hand more control over to you. As the season got more stressful he started turning to you more, letting you take control of him more. You see the way he relaxes when you guide him, when you control every aspect of him for a little while.

It's this that prompts you to suggest that he tries a blindfold. He's uncertain at first but when you explain that you think it might help him relax better then he starts to understand why you'd suggest it. It takes a few more weeks before he asks for it.

He's unsure what to expect for the first time, and honestly he mostly just expects to be laying down with the blindfold on, so when you tell him to kneel he's confused. You already opened him up, already made his legs feel like jelly and now he must kneel?? But he does so, because of course he does, he'll do whatever you tell him to.

Then you put the blindfold on him. Maybe for a blindfold you actually use a piece of your own clothing? Like you're wearing a gown or a slip and you untie the ribbon around your waist, pull it out of the loops and use it to cover Charles's eyes. The poor little thing nearly combusts when he realises what you're doing.

Once the blindfold is secured and he's in the correct position, you walk behind him and position a suction cup dildo for him to ride. The position itself is nothing new to him, but he's never done it blindfolded and you didn't show him the dildo beforehand so he doesn't even know how big it is. Nevertheless, he lowly sinks down, whining and nearly losing balance. For a moment he thinks he's going to fall, but then suddenly your hands are on his shoulders and he's being gently pushed up. You move one hand to his lower back, holding him steady until he stabilises.

That one moment is what changes it all for him. The realisation that he will not fall, not because he could stop himself but because you won't let him fall? You can actually see the tension leave his shoulders when he processes it.

You watch from the side as he rides the dildo, and pretty soon his thighs are shaking and he's getting desperate and messy. He struggles to keep up a rhythm and balance at the best of times, but now when he's blindfolded? Absolutely zero chance.

You were waiting for that exact moment, for when riding it became nearly too hard and he was so close to cumming. That's when you take the fleshlight. You first put lube onto his dick without warning, which makes him screech and nearly fall over. He doesn't fall though, of course not. You grab him long before he even came close to falling.

You're gentle when you first move the flashlight over him, and when he realises what's happening the moan he lets out is sinful.

At first you just hold the flashlight and tell him to continue riding the dildo, but pretty quickly he's losing balance. The poor thing is completely overwhelmed with sensations, all of which are made more intense by the fact that he can't see. Usually at this point he'd be looking at you, keeping his eyes on you to feel safe, but now he can't see you and it's so overwhelming.

You remove the flashlight for a moment, ignoring his whine at the loss and then you position yourself behind him. You end up on your knees, gently pulling him backwards to he can lean against you. The moment he feels your front against his back he just about falls backwards. He turns his head to the side to nuzzle against your neck, mumbling your name and pleas.

You hold him like that, letting him sink deep onto the dildo and then just slowly stroking him with the flashlight. He's shaking and whining and barely even holding himself but he feels so so good.

He's floating in subspace for hours afterwards and for the first time he doesn't look around for you when you leave to fetch something.

He knows you're coming back.

[bobateaboo]

I wrote a little oneshot off of @naffeclipse 's fic, Eating Krill. I couldn't get the story out of my head, DEFINITELY go read it if you hadn't.

After your last experience with a human vessel, the two of you steered well enough away from it.

You’d made it very clear that that was the plan; you’d practically forbidden Eclipse from even looking at it, enduring his teasing about how you worried about him as a result. Truth be told, putting up with his goading was the most difficult part of the process, and even that wasn’t too bad; the ship came, stayed in one spot by the ice for half a day, and then left as quickly as it had arrived, leaving your waters peaceful and calm. In fact, it took almost a full week to realize that it had left something behind. A few somethings, actually.

“Little Krill,” Eclipse sang. “I have something to show you. Come.”

He laughed at the face you made as he scared away the school of small fish you’d been pursuing. Learning to hunt without your family has been… difficult. You couldn’t catch the type of things you were used to with such a small pod, was the simple fact of the matter. A fact Eclipse was infuriatingly thrilled about, practically jumping for the opportunity to bring you “real” kills. It would have been adorable if not for the smug look on his face every time you ate something he caught.

“Something to show me?” you challenged, raising an eyebrow as he beckoned you to follow. “What kind of something?”

Eclipse hummed. “I’m not sure yet,” he admitted. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

He was right, to a degree. What now sat upon the expanse of great white, like a drop of jet black blood in the snow, was some kind of… enclosure. You opened your mouth to question it, before Eclipse held up one hand to call for your silence. You very nearly bit him for the offense before you saw why; two figures, small and wrapped from head to toe in furs, exiting the enclosure. Grabbing Eclipse by the wrist, you yanked him beneath the surface with a quiet splash, hunkering down to speak where you were hidden by the shelf of ice.

“You will not go near them,” you ordered as soon as you surfaced. 

“They have no nets, little krill,” Eclipse argued, his voice velvet against the shards of ice around you. “What could they do to something like me?”

“I have no intention of finding out,” you said hotly, making a point to tower over him. “Leave them be, do you understand?”

Eclipse laughed at you, tugging you farther down into the water where he could plant a kiss on your cheek. “You’re darling when you worry,” he told you.

Despite his taunting, he stuck to his word; the sea remained icy cold and still, and the two of you stuck far away from the humans.

Unfortunately, they were much less careful to steer away from you.

“They’re like hungry gulls,” Eclipse growled the third or so time you had to move away from them, flicking his tail. “Showing up every time we stop to have a meal.”

“They’ll leave before long,” you insisted, though you were growing uncertain. “How long can just two of them survive in this cold, anyway?”

“Last I checked, far shorter than they have,” he sulked.

Part of you was inclined to agree. More and more, these humans were starting to remind you of that young seal you’d once stolen from his clutches; ignorant and flailing, unaware of how you stood between them and their demise at Eclipse’s waning patience. And your own, if you were being honest; every time they stepped close to the waters edge your eyes narrowed, watchful for them to cast the nets that had stolen your father and almost stolen your mate from you.

Yet, they never did. Though they lingered far longer than was wise, they didn’t cast anything into your waters for weeks, and when they did, it wasn’t a net.

Eclipse's eyes narrowed at the metal rod that sank just a few feet below the surface, held there by a cable the humans had tossed out. You caught his eye to shake your head at him; whatever that was, you would be the one to investigate. As much as you loved Eclipse, you didn’t trust him not to make rash decisions.

You swam closer, waving him off to linger back (to his obvious displeasure). As far as you could see, it wasn’t much; just a metal rod with a black dot on the side near the end, as harmless as it was confusing.

And then the dot lit up red, and the water sparked with electricity.

The scream that tore from your throat robbed your lungs of oxygen, leaving you seeing stars and immobile in the water. Something wrapped around your fins and tail, leaving you to gasp at open air as the net slowly, gruelingly pulled you out of the water and struggled to shove your weight onto the ledge.

It was the first time you’d seen humans up close, much less these ones. They were… small. Far smaller than you’d expected. The furs they wrapped themselves up in accounted for the vast majority of their bulk, you couldn’t imagine how lithe and skinny they must be without them. In front of them, a few feet away from the edge, sat a wiring box of metal, groaning in effort as it wound up the cable of the net to draw you closer. They looked calmer than you’d expected, despite the fear behind their eyes. Grim, even.

And then Eclipse burst out of the water, and their expressions melted into cold shock.

His claws hooked into the net, tearing you away from the edge with strength the shock had stolen from you and back into the water. He snarled as he held you above water, his face a mask of bloodlust and rage. 

“You insolent fools, have you not taken enough?” he spat, throwing the rod with enough force that the taller of the two humans had to throw himself out of the way to avoid being hit. “Your blood will spill for this, daring to attack what is mine.”

“Eclipse,” you rasped. Even to you, your voice sounded pained, your vocal cords feeling dry in your throat. “Leave them.”

His face changed, lighting at the sound of your voice but darkening with confusion and frustration. “Look at what they did to you,” he snarled.

“Leave them,” you insisted, looking up at him. “I mean it.”

For a long, tense moment, he hesitated, torn between loyalty to your word and to your honor. And then, he ducked you both underneath the waves, carting you away to snap off the lengths of net one by one.

“I don’t like this,” Micheal muttered, leaning over Vanessa’s shoulder. The light of the computer was near blinding in the dark room, flipping over and over between photographs of their encounter from the camera he’d had hidden in his jacket. “You told me the books said orcas and humpbacks were natural enemies.”

“They did,” murmured Vanessa, stalling on one of the pictures. “So either they were wrong, or this is a special case.”

Micheal made a face. “I don’t like either of those.”

“It doesn’t matter what you like, it matters what’s happening,” she argued. “If two of them are here, it’s reasonable to assume they have a larger pod, possibly with more of both species. So, we prepare.”

Micheal took a deep breath, handing her a cup of cocoa. “I don’t like this.”

“No,” she agreed, staring for longer at the last picture. It was of you, held aloft in Eclipse’s arms, the moment before you’d told him to leave them be. “No, I don’t like it either.”

[secretsmutcorner]

Ready

958 words | The dragon’s toy (sequel to Moonlight)

Content | NSFWhump/non-con, punishment, forced to work, degradation, mention of: spanking

Notes | The elf is ready! Ya... y...

Taglist | @i-walk-on-the-dark-side @echo-goes-aaa @scoundrelwithboba @whumpzone

If the elf had thought their captivity had been miserable, it was nothing to what they were living through now.

When they moved through the lair as they cleaned--always much to the dragon's amusement--they were in agony, from the bruises covering their whole body, from the way they were stuffed far too full. At times they had to pause, their body failing them, they couldn't move, they couldn't breathe past the thing stuck on their throat--but the dragon gave them no grace, punishing them each time. When it pinned them on their belly to spank them, the pressure put on the toy was almost worse than the hits.

In the morning and evening, the dragon would briefly take the extra toys out to allow for their body's needs--and to use their mouth, of course--but all it really did was force them to experience the horror of having them shoved in over and over again. And still, it replaced the toy in their cunt with a bigger one each time, when they couldn't take it as it was they couldn't take it-

It had only been a few days, but the elf felt like they were losing their mind. They would do anything, they would be anything if it meant even a little relief.

"Come here, toy."

Desperately, they crawled over to the dragon who sat comfortably in its blanket nest. Maybe now was the moment it would grant them a shred of comfort instead of more suffering. They could only hope.

When they came within reach, the dragon grabbed them and set them before itself, clearly too impatient to tolerate their aching pace. It eyed them up for a moment, then, purring, it opened the chastity belt and painfully yanked the toy out of their cunt.

"I think you're ready, little toy."

They took a moment to process that, their mind swimming in the relief of having the thing out, then an ice-cold wave of terror washed over them. No - they couldn't-

The dragon pulled the other toy from their ass just as roughly, then it undid their gag, too. It should have been a relief.

They hadn't even be able to unlock their aching jaw before it continued, "If you're good, we may leave these out for now, hm?"

Any desperate argument or plea died in their throat, even if they had managed a sound, of which they were uncertain. Only silent tears fell from their eyes.

The dragon ignored them, of course. It laid down halfway, and stuck them between its hind legs, sitting dog-like on the blankets, where its erect cock was already waiting. It looked as terrifyingly oversized as ever. They couldn't, they didn't want to-

But they remained silent as the dragon slung their legs over its scaly thighs, lifting their hip off the ground towards it, and then, without further ado, slammed into them.

They screamed.

The last few in the series of toys had already pressed painfully against the top of their hole, but having it hammered into, over and over, was so much worse. The entirety of the movement was unbearable--they felt raw within moments around the heat of its cock, the force of it stretching them out further. Their strained, beaten body was shifted back and forth against the ground with the force of the dragon's thrusts.

They wanted to beg, wanted to howl, wanted to let the no no no caught on their tongue stream from their lips. But they didn't. If you're good...

They would do anything.

They simply sobbed as it went on, and on, and on. As it sunk into them, past the pain, that the dragon was inside them now, had terminally invaded them and would never leave them wholly. That a tiny part of them had clung onto the misguided notion that everything that had happened wasn't the real thing... not like this. That there was no escape in this, even in their mind.

The dragon purred. "You are perfect for this. What a good little cocksleeve." A deeper, throatier growl mixed into their voice. "This is what you're for, toy."

It came into them, their seed seeping into them, and they sobbed and sobbed. By now, they knew better than to expect this would be the end of it, and indeed, it didn't pull out; it stayed where it was, stretching out their cunt, unbearably hot and heavy against their open folds, which they were sure would bruise by the pain of its hips battering into them.

Then it continued.

They had, they felt, lost their mind by the time it finally ended. They could not say how long it had taken; they barely found themself, there on the floor. The dragon pulled out roughly, leaving cum to seep out between their legs, too-hot and clinging to their thighs like they would never be without the dragon's residue again.

The dragon stretched, purring. "What a perfect toy you make. You may clean yourself up before you put that back in, but don't dally."

Something heavy dropped onto their belly, still aching from the battering it had received from within.

The toy it had used to stretch them out.

They couldn't move before the dragon grabbed them by the hip and shoved them towards where they had abandoned their cleaning bucket. "I said, don't dally. Get back to cleaning, toy."

They moved, fear puppeteering their limbs. They couldn't take any more.

They didn't know how to even begin cleaning themself. They would never be clean again.

Whatever they were doing took to long. It was the dragon who shoved their toy back into them, into their wrecked and sore cunt. Maybe they screamed.

"Get to work, toy."

[flutteringphalanges]

Protostar

Adam Warlock x Star Lord!Sister Reader

Prompt: You’re pregnant. The very thought of it is so surreal. And more importantly, it’s Adam’s. Now not only do you have to break the news to the man you love, uncertain of how he will react, but then there are the rest of the Guardians too. And more importantly, your brother, Peter. 

Word Count: 3,878

A/N: Hello! I am back again with another Adam Warlock x Reader baby themed one shot! I will add a link to this one to the post that has all of my one shots to this series so far. Requests are open! I’m currently working on one at the moment! Any thoughts of any kind, my comments and mailbox are open! I hope you enjoy! -Jen

                                                     Protostar

Pregnant. A word that had seemed so foreign to you up until now. An aspect you hadn’t even begun to fathom would happen to you. And yet here you were, sitting far off from the hustle and bustle of Knowhere’s square trying to clear your mind. Trying to think through haze and churning from your own stomach as you processed it all. Wondering how you would announce it to Adam. So lost in your head you didn’t even notice when Kraglin took a seat beside you. 

“Y/N? Are you okay?” 

Kraglin had been like an older brother to both you and Peter. Though, your relationship was a little better at the time because, growing up, he felt as if he needed to compete with the boy from Terra for Yondu’s approval. That had changed though. Now the three of you were equally close. You looked over to him, not too sure what to say. In all honesty, he was the last person you’d imagined to break the news to first. 

“I don’t know.” You responded softly with a shrug. “I haven’t decided, I guess.” 

“What’s wrong?” Kraglin asked, his tone slightly concerned. “Did something happen? Is it Adam?” He paused, his expression more serious than you’re used to. “Did he do something?” 

He did, but technically so did you. You exhaled, wondering why you didn’t stay cooped up in the confinement of your room. That way you could’ve at least hid from it all a little longer. Pretend that everything was as it should be. You wished Adam was here, he had a way of making you feel better. Then again, maybe it was better that he wasn’t. 

“Y/N?” Kraglin’s voice snapped you back into reality. You turned and looked at him as he placed a hand on your knee. “Uh, you want me to get Pete?” 

“NO!” The word came out much sharper than you meant it to causing Kraglin to visibly flinch. “Sorry, I mean, no…that’s okay.” 

The last thing you needed was your brother. Peter was overprotective, he had always been. Even though you two were adults, he was still annoying when it came to you and relationships. When you and Adam first got together, he made it clear to you that he wasn’t exactly supportive of it all. Sure, the guy had saved him from literally turning into a human icicle in space, but he was still wary from the Rocket fiasco. That was something that you knew would take a long time to repair. At this point you were lucky he was tolerating it all and not getting on your case. If he knew you were expecting…well, you didn’t know how he’d take the news. 

“Can I trust you, Kraglin?” You asked, knowing full well there was no turning back after saying something like that. “Swear on Yondu you won’t say anything? Especially to Peter?” 

Kraglin looked at you with such uncertainty it was almost comical. Almost. “Yeah…” He replied with hesitation. “Cross a Ravanger’s heart.” 

You nodded, looking at the ground. “I’m pregnant.” 

“...Oh.” He said after a moment, shifting awkwardly where he sat. “...Is it Adam’s?” You threw him a dark look that caused him to hold up his hands defensively. “I’m sorry! It’s just well…congratulations? I mean, this is good, right?” 

You let out a loud groan and covered your face. “I don’t know!” The words came out muffled from behind your hands. “You’re the only one who knows.” 

“I’m honored! Thanks!” 

“Only because you showed up here.” You didn’t mean to sound so harsh. Kraglin didn’t deserve it. “I’m sorry, Kraglin, I’m…I’m not trying to take this out on you. Maybe it’s the stupid hormones, I don’t know. I found out today and I’m not processing it well, I guess.” 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” He offered, and you felt his hand rest on your shoulder. “I don’t know nothing about having babies, but if there is something you like, maybe a glass of water, or a blanket? Wait, that may be for shock…” 

For the first time that day, you actually smiled. Sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder what Kraglin might’ve become if he hadn’t ever joined the Ravangers. You leaned forward and pulled him into a tight hug. 

“Just your support is nice.” You told him, inhaling deeply. “Thanks.” 

“Well sure, we may be Guardians now, but we'll always be Ravangers at heart.” Kraglin grinned at you when you pulled back. “And Ravangers take care of our own. Well, except when we don’t, but you know what I mean. We’re family. All of us here. I guess what I’m tryin’ to get at is we’ve got your back. Adam’s a great guy, I mean, he did almost wreck all of Knowhere--”

“Kraglin.” 

“Yeah, yeah, what’s in the past, is in the past. He turned out to be a great guy, right? Saved Pete, helped fix up a mess, managed to even join the Guardians. That’s somethin’, right?” He took a deep breath. “I don’t need to be able to read minds or do that emotion thingy that Mantis does to know Adam loves you. Like a whole lot.”

“I know he does.” Your smile was soft. “It’s more than mutual.” 

“So it’s gonna be alright, okay? When have I ever lied to you?” Kraglin asked with a grin.

You gave him a look. There were not enough fingers on each hand for you to count the number of times both he and your brother had pulled some stunt on you. All relatively harmless, but you had learned not to be so gullible since. 

“I need to go find Adam.” You told him, dusting off what little dirt had gotten on your pants. “He’s probably worried. Last thing I need for him is to go hunt Peter down. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to approach that one.” 

“No matter what, Pete’ll come around. He always does.” Kraglin tried to assure you. “He got used to you and Adam. This is just another thing added on.” A big thing. 

It was becoming apparent that, for the time being, you needed to focus on one thing--telling Adam. The rest you could try to get yourself to stop worrying about until later. You pulled Kraglin one last time for a quick squeeze. 

“Thank you, Kraglin. For everything.” 

“That’s what family’s for.” He said with a smile. “Even if we ain’t exactly a normal bunch.” 

                                                         XXX

The nausea you felt the moment you stepped over the threshold and into your room was not from the baby. Part of you wanted nothing more than to just turn back and find a new spot to hide in, somewhere where no one could find you. But Blurp, Adam’s beloved furry F’saki, immediately bounded over and pounced excitedly at your legs. 

“Hey, buddy.” You said, giving the animal a half smile as you reached down to scratch it behind one of its ears. “It’s good to see you too.” 

“Y/N!” 

Adam came bounding in with a mixed look of concern and relief at your arrival. You straightened up as he walked over to you, his hands immediately reaching and cupping your face as he studied you carefully. You felt as if you were a piece of fruit being checked for bruises by a potential customer. 

“Are you alright? I was worried. You weren’t here when I returned and I kept waiting, but you didn’t leave a note--and I know that you can take care of yourself, as you’ve said before--”

“Adam.” You said, cutting him off. “I’m fine.” 

He beamed at your response and looked down at Blurp. “See, I told you everything was fine. No need to get anyone else involved or form a search party.” The creature gurgled and nudged your leg. 

“But, Adam, we do need to talk…” His expression changed to one of confusion as you took a step back. “It’s important.” 

“Oh?” He responded, following you as you took a seat on the edge of your bed. “What do you want to talk about? Should I be worried?” And his laugh was nervous--making your own anxiety that much worse. 

“I don’t know.” Probably not the best answer to give him. “I mean…I don’t know how you will feel about this.”

Gods, if you could have any power in all the universes, invisibility would’ve been great. You couldn’t even bring yourself to look at Adam as you feel his hand take yours. Tears started to well up in your eyes and suddenly you found yourself flooded with emotions. Damn hormones. 

“Y/N, my love, what’s the matter? Don’t cry! Tell me what I must do!” Adam was cupping your face once more, searching your eyes for answers. “Have I done something wrong? If I have, please tell me and I will make amends. Please, say something, you’re scaring me.” 

You shook your head and hiccuped. “You didn’t…you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m…” The deep breath you took was shaky, and you could only hope you didn’t look as gross as you sounded. “Adam, I’m pregnant.”

The silence that blanketed the room made you want to crawl over into a corner and die. This was it. Adam was going to get up and leave you and everything would fall apart. The Guardians would banish you from the team. From your family. Knowhere was exile you. You would have no one and nothing and Thanos might as well have snapped you for good. 

“I’m going to be a father?” 

The words snapped you back into reality. Through tears, you looked and saw Adam gazing at you with such glee and adoration it sort of caught you by surprise. You sniffed, wiping your face with your sleeve--nevermind how unattractive it must’ve looked, and nodded.

“Yeah.” You answered him softly. “You’re going to be a dad.” 

He was quiet for a moment. “I never had a father.”

The corners of your mouth twitched into a small smile at his statement. “...I don’t remember my mom.” 

“...Do you think I could be a good father?” Adam asked slowly, his gaze burning into yours. He sounded hopeful. 

“Yeah.” You said with a smile. “I know you’d be a wonderful dad. There is not a doubt in my mind that says otherwise.” There was hesitation in your voice as you asked the next question. “Do you think I’d be a good mom?”

Adam chuckled warmly. “You already are to good, old Blurp right here.” Blurp trotted over and jumped into your lap, licking excitedly at your face. “See? Even he approves, and he is very particular too.” 

“I can see that.” You laughed, carefully moving the dog onto the mattress. Sighing, you gazed into Adam’s eyes, getting lost in their golden pools. “Are you happy then? Are you…okay with this?” 

Adam said nothing as he leaned forward and kissed you. You allowed your arms to wind around his neck as one of his arms hooked around your waist and pulled you close. Nothing sounded better than staying in that moment for all eternity. The warmth and gentleness of it all. You almost had to fight the urge to pull him back in when he stopped.

“I have never been more certain of something in my entire life.” Adam said with so much pride your heart swelled. “And I will love this child as I do you, Y/N. You are--well, now it is two of you I suppose, the most important things in my eternal life. I will do better than my best to be the very best! I swear it.” 

You chuckled, sniffing as you beamed back at him. “That was quite the speech.”

“Was it what you wanted?” Adam inquired, wiping away at a stray tear that’d begun to slide down your cheek. “Are you okay? Perhaps I should’ve asked that first.” 

Even though it would be months until you felt anything, you rested your hand on your stomach. You began to imagine the sensation, what little movements, kicks, flutters your baby would give you. Your baby. Adam’s baby. Gods, it sounded so surreal and yet, so right. 

“Yeah.” You inhaled, your gaze deep as it met Adam’s. “I’ve never felt happier.”

                                                           XXX

“We need to tell them.” 

Adam’s voice was soft as his hand gently rubbed your back from where he knelt beside you on the floor. Your head hung over the toilet as you tried to fight back the wave of nausea that stirred in your stomach. Morning sickness, more like ‘all day sickness’. It had been a week since you had broken the news to Adam--and technically Kraglin--about the baby. From the get go, he had wanted to tell the others but you had sworn him to secrecy. You still were avoiding sharing the unexpected pregnancy announcement with your brother. But now, with how violently ill your body had decided to start becoming, you weren’t really left with any options. 

“Maybe we can just wait until they’re born.” You mumbled weakly, the bitter taste of bile coating the inside of your mouth. “Spring it on them then.” 

“I don’t think that would be the best idea--or even possible.” Adam responded, frowning softly when you waved away at the glass of water he tried to coax in your hand. “They’re starting to worry about how sick you’ve been. And you already told Kraglin.”

“That wasn’t in my original plans.” You answered somewhat defensively. “Besides, there’s a big difference between him and Peter knowing. The others I’m not as worried about. I’m his little sister, but he forgets I’m not so little anymore. Like a lot.” Your stomach gurgled and you heaved a big sigh. “I can take care of my damn self.”

“I know.” And the palm of his hand began to knead between your shoulder blades. “But the sooner we get it over with, the better you will feel about it. And you aren’t alone in this. I’m right with you. We’ll tell them together and it will go over well, I promise.” 

                                                    XXX

The last time you saw a look like the one Peter was giving you now was when you accidentally dropped his Walkman as a kid and it fell between the grates of Yondu’s ship. How he managed to get it back out before it slipped to its eternal demise, you were unsure--or cared. But this look was not about any sort of music box. Oh no, this was something much greater. 

“...You’re pregnant?” Peter asked slowly, eyes flashing from you to Adam. “As in having a baby? Together?” 

“Yes, I am.” Before anyone could speak up, you quickly added. “And we’re happy too. Really happy.” Adam’s arm found its way around your waist offering a sense of comfort that you needed. “And since we’re family, we were hoping that maybe you all would feel the same way.” 

The silence was killing you. The way they were all watching, Peter especially, you almost wanted to curl up into a ball and beg Adam to fly you back to your room. Try again on another day. Suddenly, a pair of arms wrapped around, followed by a squeal. 

“I am VERY happy for you!” Mantis gushed, beaming at you. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Adam nervously watching, probably concerned with how tight she was hugging you. “Oh this is such good news!” 

Drax broke into one of his deep fits of laughter. “Quill! That means your sister had sex!” Of all the anti-social things he could’ve said, he had to go with that one. How wonderfully mortifying. “But I am also happy for you!” 

One of Groot’s branches reached out and touched your stomach. “I am Groot.” Or, as you had grown to understand. “I like babies.” 

Nebula gave you a rare smile from where she stood beside Rocket. She had come so far since you first met her those many years back. Gone from enemy to a true member of the Guardians. The late Gamora, your Gamora, would’ve been proud to see what she had become. 

“Congratulations,” Nebula said with a nod. 

“I agree with the others!” The canine yipped, her tail wildly wagging when she trotted over to you. “I will protect the baby like a good dog!” She licked your hand leaving you secretly grateful she didn’t try to jump up. “This is good news!” 

Rocket, who had been at Peter’s side, made his way over. “Yeah, yeah, what they all said.” He said with a half smile, arms folded. “Guess we better get one of those sign things to hang on the ship that says Baby On Board or something.”

“So no one else sees a problem with this?!”

Peter’s voice popped you out of that blissful bubble you had found yourself in. Everyone was looking at him now, the good mood immediately snuffed out. Your stomach began to churn, only this time, it wasn’t from the pregnancy symptoms. 

“We just got our team back together and everything was fine! Now you had to go along and get pregnant!” He jabbed a finger in your direction. “I dunno, did you not consider how this might impact the rest of us?!” 

Where the hell was this coming from? “You know, just a ‘Wow, congratulations, Y/N’ would have easily sufficed!” You were fuming. Of course you knew he would be a dick when you needed him most. “This was a surprise to us! I’m sorry I didn’t take you into consideration!”

“You know you can’t come on any missions, right, Y/N?” His eyes then landed on Adam, his new target. “You know she is basically out of commission. She’s a risk! Now we’re down a teammate!”

“Peter, leave him alone!” You snapped, moving protectively in front of Adam. “He didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Oh, really, he didn’t now?” Shit, you led him right into that. “Did you forget that whole thing when Goldilocks over there busted through our home and almost killed Rocket, not to mention trying to take the rest of us out with him?!” 

“Everyone deserves a second chance, Pete.” Rocket cut in with a frown. “You’ve said it yourself before, and it’s clear that Adam has. I’ve forgiven him, why haven’t you?” 

You weren’t sure if Rocket’s words struck a chord with Peter or not. In reality, you really could’ve cared less at that point. Tears of frustration and sadness had already begun to well up in your eyes, you didn’t want to give him the courtesy of seeing. 

“Thanks, everyone.” You said, stare fixed on the ground. “Your support means a lot.” 

Adam’s hand caught your wrist as you started walking away from the group. “Y/N?” 

“I’m fine.” You told him, pulling your hand out of his grasp. “I just need some space. I’ll meet you back in the room. I love you.” And you made sure that you said the last part loud enough for Peter to hear.

                                                   XXX

You had practically built yourself a nest out of pillows and blankets on the top of your bed. Adam’s pillow was stained with your tears because you had chosen it to be the one you cried into. He smelled nice. Honestly, your fight with Peter could’ve gone a hell of a lot worse. You could think of several things you might’ve spat out at him that would’ve hit him hard and good. There was enough that you didn’t need to add onto. 

Suddenly, you heard a knock on your bedroom door--which was odd considering Adam always chose to waltz in without first announcing himself. Whatever, it had been a weird day as it was. Who were you to dictate how your partner came and went?

“Adam, the door isn’t locked. Just come in.”

But the person who opened the door wasn’t Adam. Peter. You watched quietly as your brother made his way over to your bed, taking a seat on the edge of the mattress. After the fallout, why exactly had he decided to show up? Was he going to give you another earful? 

“Before mom died, she made me promise that I would always protect you. Even before that, I felt like I always needed to because it was just the three of us. Well, four if you wanted to include grandpa, but three.” 

You chose not to respond, deciding to see where he was going with this. 

“You may be grown, Y/N, but you will always be my little sister.” Peter said, his voice no longer harsh as it had been. “But that isn’t an excuse to lash out when you get into a relationship or, well, get pregnant. You’re tough. Quills have to be. And if you love Adam and this is what you want, you have my full support.” From his spot, he smiled at you. “Besides, I think I’d make a pretty damn good uncle.”

Finally, you looked up to meet his gaze. “That was a dick move you pulled back there.” 

Peter sighed. “I know, I’m really sorry about that.” 

“And you owe Adam an apology for trying to make him feel like shit.” He watched you, probably trying to figure out your next words. Inhaling, you continued on. “But I forgive you. I know you mean well, but I can take care of myself. Adam is a really great guy and he has changed. I really want you two to get along, especially with this baby coming. I need my big brother. I need you.” 

“Y/N, you couldn’t get rid of me even if you tried.” He replied, lightly throwing one of your pillows in your direction. You dodged it with a smile. “Call it a talent.”

You snorted, shaking your head as you beamed the pillow straight back. “You’re such a dork.” The imense amount of relief you felt now was so welcoming. “This baby will be lucky to have you as an uncle. I wish Yondu was here.” Though, you weren’t quite sure how your adoptive father of sorts would feel about a baby. “...I wish mom was too.” 

Peter moved and pulled you into a hug--one that you didn’t realize you needed so badly. “Me too.” He admitted with a sigh. “She’d be so excited. She was the best mom, and I know she’d make an even better grandma. And I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll be just as great at it as she was.” 

You gave Peter a watery smile, only this time your tears were happy. “You think so?” 

He chuckled. “When have I ever lied to you?” And you couldn’t help but think back to Kraglin at that. 

You rested your hand on your stomach, something you had a gut feeling would become more natural as time went on. Your mind wandered to the little life inside of you. What would they look like? Adam? You? Growing something inside of you that was the product of your shared love. Even though you had only known about this baby for such a short amount of time, they were already so adored. A smile crossed your face at it all. The new chapter in your life, his life, everyone’s that had only just begun. 

[bangytell]

The room beside me | sg m

Spend the summer of a lifetime with me, let me take you to the place of your dreams. Double take—druv

Summary: Your roommate who's also your best friend accidentally hears you pampering yourself and now he yearns to have you

Genre: smut, friends to lovers

Rated: mature +18

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x reader

Word Count: 3.5k words

Warnings: f! reader, g!teacher mentions of nicknames (pookie, baby, etc) oral and fingering (f! receveing) protected sex (always do this girlies) mentions of jealousy [from Satoru]

a/n: heyy girlies please enjoyy i hope you really like this one as much as i did.

“Hey pookie, i brought you takoyaki from that place that you…” gasps of air, saccharine moans, and a heavy breathing came from your door

You didn’t bring nobody over ‘cause you were just arriving from school, not that far apart since he only stayed half hour looking through papers.

What can he do now? Stay put and listen? Open the door and join? No, no, Satoru, bring yourself together. He went outside after leaving the takoyaki on the table.

But oh, those sweet sounds from you were already on his mind. He never thought of you in that way, more in a platonic where nothing can happen kinda way 

His hardened cock soon showed, in the middle of the street, great. 

After hearing the door closing, you were uncertain about the noises outside, was it him? 

Your goofy and annoying roommate slash co worker slash sorta best friend, it can't be, he was taking longer in school. 

when you reached your climax and the silence hit you, the fear crawled up to your shoulders, what if it was him? 

the hunger hit you, on top of your table were a tray of tokoyaki, Satoru were here before, did he heard you? 

If he did, you hope he doesn't bring it up, you've heard him before, pampering himself in the shower, his moans are a tad lower and raspy.

But him hearing you was different a lot different what if he heard you calling his name in soft whispers while you imagine having him, in any possible way even if it isn't for long, just hearing that way he says your name so sweet and gentle while you gasp for air with his hard cock inside of you. 

Gojo opens the door when you have a tokoyaki inside your mouth

"Hey pookie" you gift him a lip smile, since the food is still processing inside your mouth "Ah, I knew you'd be eating" he chuckles 

"You just arrived?"after a gulp of your mouthful of food you speak up, he denies with his head 

Oh.

"I was here, left the tokoyaki and remembered i forgot something, and then i remembered i had it on me the whole time" you chuckle and he does too

Were your eyes always this shiny? Gojo thinks to himself 

"Let me guess, your keys?" he nods and loose himself to the hall, into his room

That was weird, even for Satoru, he would often sit down and make you talk about your day, so he can talk about his and how every student tries desperately to get his attention.

Being a full time teacher at the same university is sometimes tiring, until you get home and listen to Gojo blurt out his whole day to you, you're worried. 

One, two, three knocks and a soft "Toru" leaving your mouth 

"Yeah?" he sounds… as if he were running a marathon 

"Jus' checking if you're okay" he hums and you walk away, something must be on his mind.

You devoured the tray he brought you while watching a sitcom, later you hear footsteps as he was out of the shower, with the towel wrapped around his waist, wet strands of hair falling on his face while he dried it with another.

He was worth looking at, his porcelain skin that went so well with his white hair and the cherry on top were those mesmerizing sapphire eyes that were looking at your gaze right now, you turned away to the television again.

“What are you watching” you could smell his body wash by now

“The office” he looks at you, with an angry frown

“I thought we watched that together” you chuckle 

“I restarted it” he walks away again, to change, you assume “Hey Satoru, did you clean the shower?” 

His head appears from the corner of the eye of the door 

“I did not” you chuckle “but now that you offer” you laugh 

“I will not clean if you’re out of there, i know what you do” now he’s walking your way, sits on the sofa next to you and laughs 

“And what is that you are so certain that i do Miss” 

“You know what you do, don’t make me say it” he leans closer to you, smelling clean and swallowing you whole within those blue eyes 

“You listen to me, you perv?” he says with a playful grin and tone

“You’re just loud, and the walls are very thin” he pulls away and you breath again

“I guess” with the muffled sound of the tv, and a few chuckles now and then the night greets you

“You never told me how your day went” you locked gaze 

“A bit tiring, since finals are coming, everything just feels on top of me” you nod, in agreement

“Since you leave everything last minute ‘m sure how you’re feeling” he chuckles 

“I do not” 

“Why do you work? I know you have the money to leave the school, why don’t you just?...”

“I cut loose of my family” he never brings his family to subject “And I do have the money i jus’ wanna feel like i contribute”

“So you’re like super rich and jus’ teach for fun” he chuckles

“Well you got one right” and the power went out, everything went silent and he reached his hand to you, the thought of him worrying about you made your heart beat in excitement 

“I’m good Toru, i haven’t got up” you chuckle and the sound of heavy rain began to hit your ceiling 

“The weather announced the rain?” he asks as if it wasn’t obvious by now of the pouring rain

“I don’t check the weather i’m not 60” you chuckle at unison 

“Is going to be a cold and long night for me” with the help of your cellphone you light up the lantern 

He is walking behind you guiding through the light 

“You can come to my bed if you like” you stop your walk “Jus’ to sleep, we have sleep together before” he’s right, but now it feels different 

“I don’ wanna bother” he chuckles

”You’re too small for that “ he likes the way the dim light of the lantern colors your features, and the way your pajama makes you look as when you were in college 

“You never bother me” he smiles and you blush 

“Night Toru” he adores that sweet nickname since you studied together 

The next day, after sayin morning to shoko and geto you know them trough Satoru and now you’re friends as well, kinda, you got your coffee cup and went to class

When you got home, alone, because Gojo again left everything to the end of the day, the light is still out and it's been light raining all day, you’ve had a bad face all day since sleep was so bad, unconsciously you reach Gojo’s room, he wouldn’t mind if you take a nap there, right? His room is much better since the window gives direct sunlight and it can warm all over, you love your room, when the ac is working.

When Gojo gets home later than he expected, he’s soaking wet since the rain started a while ago. The power is still out, so he begins to call out your name to see if you were at home already. 

No answer. As he walks closer realizes his door is open, and the moon gives him enough light to know that you’re sleeping in his bed, calmly breathing and buffing coming through your mouth.

“Toru… please stay” you say, in a whisper, he knows for a fact that you babble a few words when you sleep and finds it so endearing.

But you call for his name, in a pleading to stay, you were dreaming about him, maybe he misheard. Then a soft moan escapes your mouth and he’s just standing there, like a confused teenager, but he stays there, to listen more, to know if this is truly about him.

“Mhmm yes… Toru, jus’ like that” his name, leaving your mouth and she most surely see’s his friend in that way, sexually maybe even emotionally. He grabbed a change of clothes, careful not to wake you and walked out to take a shower, since his hardened cock was pressing against his clothes in a cry for touch.

You wake up a few minutes after he opens the stream of water, the need of touch makes you wake up in an instant, hearing the water makes your thoughts calm, if Gojo was here you couldn’t be touching yourself. 

You had a few texts from Suguru, asking if Gojo got home, if he was okay and if you were okay. You chuckled and answered his questions.

[We’re both okay, Satoru is in the shower so i’ll tell him to answer to you when his out] 

[Jus’ wanted to know if you were okay, you practically run every time the classes are over] you chuckle, you don’t feel like staying and talk to anyone, and you were sleepy today

[Oh.

Well is jus’ that i didn’t had a good night of sleep yesterday]

[What about every other day?] you smile and then, the sound of Gojo clearing his throat startled you, his eyes looked tired and he had a frown adorning his face

“Who are you talking to?”  you stood up, to walk to your room, but he stands in the way

“Suguru was asking me if you got home” he opened his eyes in amazement 

“How does he have your number?” he sounded angry

“Well, i gave it to him” you were mesmerized by his eyes , not letting you move an inch away 

“And you guys talk often?” you deny 

“He wanted to know if you got home okay” he snorts and move along into his room

“I don’t think you should be talking to him” you looked confused “He’s a womanizer” you chuckle

“I don’t think he’s interested in that way” he raises an eyebrow

“And why is that, he told you?” you deny 

“No, i jus’ don’t think a guy like Suguru would pick me as an interest” you giggle 

“And how could you know?” his tone is serious, like if he was trying to make one of his students to understand something

“Even if he is, i know how to take care of myself Gojo, stop acting like my father” he denies, and you walk away.

Open a can of coke and sit on the couch in the dim light of candles, and your phone buzz again, is Geto

[Did I say something wrong?] you smile

[No, Suguru, just got distracted] 

[Please, call me Geto and what does it get to get you distracted] you blush and start to type away another answer

[Well, Geto, it depends, are you trying to take me on a date] 

Satoru opens the fridge, gets a coke too and sits next to you 

“Why are you blushing? you saw me enter the room?” you giggle and look at him 

“You have your ego way up your ass” he holds a hand on his chest, looking hurt 

“Did you sleep well in my bed?” he grins looking at your blushed cheeks

“Sorry, the sunlight was hitting your bed when i got home and i was so sleepy” he chuckles

“I told you to sleep with me but you’re so stubborn” 

“I am not” he laughs and closes his eyes, he’s soo pretty when he does that you think

“If you aren’t, sleep with me tonight” 

"I uh…" he startled you

"You love proving me wrong so badly that I know for a fact you don’t have a negative thought to my idea" he chuckles and you pout, he knows you too much 

Without thinking it too much, you two end up cuddling together inside his sheets.

He can't stop to think about the idea of his friend interested in you, he's not the type to get jealous and make a scene about it, or so he thought until he notice the soft smile you would give to his texts, he knows his friend and knows how everything can go his way

"You're thinking too loud" he chuckles 

"Do you like Suguru?" he blurts out, it's better to ask now before he loses his mind 

"Yeah, he's nice" he deny and snorts

"Not like that, I know he's nice, he's nice to everyone I mean like physically" you have your back on him and he's distracting himself looking at the ceiling.

"He's handsome, and you can tell that he works out… and his long hair in that man bun he's always using I don't know how he can pull that look so well, and he sometimes holds the door for me in the teachers room…" 

"It's a simple yes or no question you don't have to tell me all those details" you chuckle

"Well, yeah I do find him attractive, why?" he snorts 

"Do you find me attractive?" you stop your thoughts, and even if you would like to kiss him right in that second just to prove him how much you think how attractive he is

"You have pretty eyes" he chuckles

"Answer me, please" You're confused, why would he need that type of assurance that you find him attractive, why would you matter? 

"Well, yes Satoru, i think you're very attractive" he huffs and closes his eyes

"More than Geto?" Is he... insecure right now? 

"Yes, more than Suguru" you answer, to make your friend feel better or so you try to fool yourself 

"Thank you" you smile, even tho he can't see you, those words sounded sincere 

After a few more minutes you weren't able to get yourself to sleep.

"Toru… are you awake?" he hums in response "i can't sleep" he grabs you by the waist and pulls you closer to him 

Probably he didn't notice, but his hardened cock was rubbing against you and the heat inside you started to crawl up.

"Stop thinking, jus' close your eyes honey" his voice sounds saccharine and raspy

"It isn't that simple" he snorts and whisper in your ear 

"Think about me then" that doesn't help either, you think, while his cock still is close to your skin but so far at the same time  

"Toru… don't be like this" his breathing is slow, so you think that he must be falling asleep or sleep already

"Guess I'll just text Suguru, to know if his up" he turns you around so you face him, you didn’t knew the strength he had until that moment 

“I can help you fall asleep” you chuckle 

“Wow Satoru, were you always this strong?” he snorts and you keep laughing 

“Why would you be so upset if I dated Suguru?” the dim light of the thunders and the moon gave you a glimpse of his features 

“Maybe ‘cause i be jealous” he looks away from you 

“Jealous of me for stealing Suguru from you?” you chuckle and he looks at you 

“More of the opposite” everything stops for you, suddenly the pouring rain wasn’t heavy on the roof, the thunders stopped their rumbling and all you could see, hear and feel was Gojo Satoru and his hopeful blue eyes staring directly at you.

“Stop messing around Toru” he chuckles 

“I wouldn’t play with something like this” and you’re heavy breathing, thinking of all the times you wished to just hold and told him that you feel so much for him, how all those years together made you see him as more than friend, how even he is so full of himself you know he also cares for other, encourages and challenges every person around him and you admire him, but you cherished him so badly that the thought of calling out your feelings to him would ruin your friendship, and you’d rather suffer in silence if that meant living around the person you love. And now he was sort of… confessing to you?

“What do you mean?” you huff and feel a lack of air through your lungs as if you know that your feelings made you feel this way 

“Well, I don’t know how to explain myself” he huffs this time “But the other day, that I brought you the takoyaki i heard you… pampering yourself” you opened your eyes in surprise “By accident, I thought i surprised you with takoyaki since you ran from your classroom to here everyday… and then uhm… I started to feel the need to hear and feel you, i thought i was just being physical” 

“I’m so embarrassed right now” he chuckles and grabs you by the chin so you look at his eyes

“Then I saw the smile you were giving to him, and the thought of you with another man just made my blood boil” what a possessive “I found myself thinking about you all day, when i heard you calling my name on your dreams I just… i think i have always liked you”

“As a friend?” he was leaning closer, every breath you could feel it close to you

“No… more than a friend” you gulp the saliva on you throat 

“As best friends” he chuckles

He leans in and presses his lips with yours in a saccharine kiss, slow and soft as he opens his mouth to deepen the pace. Your hands go to his chest to grab from something as the lack of air pulls you apart from him.

“Is that enough answer to you?” you lean closer and breath in his cologne 

“I might need a bit more than that” as he chuckles you kiss again, pulling closer each time feeling his throbbing cock against you as he stroke against you in need you lower your hand to touch him, to feel what you’ve been yearning for, Satoru moans in between the kiss.

“Baby… please, let’s focus on the kiss” you chuckle 

“I get so distracted by it” you pant and he chuckles this time 

“We don’t have to do it if you…”

“C’mon Toru i’m not a teenager, we’re not teenegers” He stands up and pulls away his clothes, and helps you with yours 

“God, you’re body is amazing” is because there’s no light in here you think to yourself 

“You’re not so bad yourself” he chuckles coming back to bed and accommodating his body hovering you, you begin to kiss again in a sloppy and needy pace, his body begins to stroke yours 

he leans to kiss your neck and your legs shiver and tremble

“You should get a condom” he pouts and gets up to grab one from his night stand

He puts it on and proceeds to make his way to your wet and throbbing cunt, you moan when his tongue licks over your clit, and you knew that he would know exactly how to make you feel good, your saccharine moans fill the room and when his mouth begin to hum you felt the vibrations you began to quiver, his fingers make its way inside your folds and the moans leaving your mouth are loud, you feel his digits work his way inside of you.

“Toru…- stop… or ‘m gonna cum” he chuckles, pulling his face away to look at you 

“Jus’ by my fingers? oh pookie but i haven’t been inside you yet” you quiver again when his pace quickens.

“Toru…-please i need you” you pant, he pulls away and accommodates his body once again to hover you.

The tip of his cock rubs against your folds and you feel needy, so needy for him

He doesn’t makes you wait any longer to make his way inside of you, you pant when he reaches your sweet spot. he thrust against you and his digits found your clit and began to rub, you’re both panting and moaning each other name like a prayer, after a few strokes to your throbbing clit you announce your climax, and he listens and continues his pace and movements. 

The waves of your climax hits you, makes your back arch and pant his name so sweetly.

“Yes, baby, cum for me… ah… you’re so tight, you squeeze my cock so good”

he thrust sloppier and pants your name with raspy moans and cums inside the condom 

Lying his head in the cup of your neck, feeling your skin with him and heavy breathing recovering from your climax.

“Hey Toru, i feel all sweaty” he chuckles and you feel the vibrations on your body 

“C’mon enjoy this moment skin to skin” and you want to so you stay like that for a while longer.

He pulls away, throwing the condom away, then returning to bed and cuddling you.

“Does this mean we’re dating?” he chuckles at your question

“Would you let me date you?” you smile while looking to his eyes stroking strings of his sweaty hair 

“I would be really happy Toru” he smiles 

“Of course you would pookie” and you chuckle 

Seems that your roommate also felt the need to have you as much as you did.

©️bangytell please do not copy or steal my work, any translation can’t be done this is the only way to read it.

[theunderdarkarchives]

Part 12: The Need and The Quiet

The fire crackled softly between you, its warmth an island in the sea of tension that had gathered. The long table, empty now except for the remnants of dinner, seemed less lavish, less important now that the conversation had shifted to something far more intimate.

Astarion sat across from you, his posture relaxed, but his eyes still held a trace of something heavier, something you couldn’t quite name. He had been open with you in his own way—more vulnerable than you’d ever seen him before—but there was a guarded quality to him, even now. Something that hinted at the raw, inescapable nature of his power.

You found your gaze flicking to him again, drawn to the way his eyes flickered to your mouth, the way his fingers twitched as if he were holding back something he desperately wanted to reach for. It wasn’t just curiousity that lingered between you—it was something else. Something deeper. And despite the soft conversation, the gentle humor, the air still pulsed with the tension of what you knew was buried beneath it all.

“I’ve been wondering something,” you said, breaking the comfortable silence between you. A soft, curious question. “Why did we dine, if you still need blood to survive? Don’t you need it more than food?”

Astarion’s gaze flickered to you, and for the first time, there was a flash of something almost wistful in his eyes. It was fleeting, but it was there.

“Food is a luxury for me now, nothing more than a distraction,” he said, his voice low, almost thoughtful. He leaned back in his chair, the shadows from the fire playing on his face. “Blood... blood is what sustains me still, But,” he paused, letting the words hang in the air between you, “I wanted this. Tonight. I wanted to sit with you, to talk, to forget, even for a moment, what I am.” He met your eyes then, and there was something open, something raw there. “I wanted... normalcy, if only for a fleeting second.”

His words resonated deep inside you. You could understand that, couldn’t you? The pull of wanting something more than your own nature. He didn’t want to be just a predator. Not now. Not in this moment.

You hesitated, watching him carefully, as though weighing the silence between you. Then, your voice came out barely above a whisper, soft and uncertain. “How often do you… need it?” You weren’t sure if you were asking about his bloodlust, about his hunger you used to know, or about something else entirely—the need to be seen, the need to feel human again.

His smile was faint but laced with something bittersweet as he regarded you, his posture shifting as though he were preparing to answer a question that, until now, he had avoided.

“It's different, darling,” Astarion said with a quiet intensity. “I need to feed, but my body does not ache for it anymore. For blood. For something to keep me alive. Although on some occasions I still feel some hunger, but it feels... different.” His voice was filled with a kind of raw honesty that almost startled you. He leaned forward, his gaze steady. “But I do survive. And I’ll continue to.”

You swallowed thickly, your mind trying to process what he had just admitted—what he had shared. He wasn’t just a monster lurking in the dark, as he had once seemed to be, now just in broad daylight. He was a man who had been broken, forced to live with the consequences of his past, unable to escape his thirst up until now.

The silence stretched between you again, but this time it didn’t feel quite as heavy. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was, in its own strange way, soothing.

“Do you…” You hesitated, unsure of how to phrase the question. “Do you want it now?” Your voice barely carried the words, the question more of a whisper than anything else. Was this you or the wine speaking? Asking something almost out of an old habit from before.

His gaze sharpened, and for a moment, you saw the flash of the predator in him—the ascended Astarion, the one who had taken so much from you, and yet, in this moment, he looked... human. His eyes softened as he took in your expression, something unreadable in his gaze.

“I’m not going to force you...again” he said, his voice much gentler than you expected. His hand, which had been resting on the arm of his chair, curled into a fist, then slowly, almost cautiously, he let it relax again. “But if you offer… I won’t say no.”

You weren’t sure what you expected in that moment. You had thought it might be more difficult. More forced. But now, with the firelight flickering, the tension dissipating between you both, you felt something else—a strange kind of pull, a magnetic warmth drawing you in closer.

Your heart thudded in your chest, louder now as you weighed your own answer. There was a risk here. A chance for something new, something fragile to break through the surface.

“Then,” you said, voice trembling just a little, “I’m offering.” The words felt strange to say aloud, but they also felt like the truth. “You can.”

Astarion didn’t speak. Instead, he leaned closer, his face inches from yours, his lips grazing the side of your neck, the same place where he had bitten you before. The mark still burned faintly beneath the surface, a constant reminder of the past. But now, it felt different. His breath was warm against your skin, gentle, as he nuzzled into the crook of your neck, a soft sigh escaping his lips as he positioned himself.

When he bit down this time, it wasn’t harsh. It wasn’t violent. It was slow. Deliberate. Tender, even. His teeth sank into your flesh with a gentleness that made your body tense, but not from fear. It was something else entirely. Something you couldn’t name.

He drank deeply, but the pull was soft, almost coaxing, as if he were savoring every drop. And you—despite everything—found yourself letting go. The world around you blurred, the sounds of the room muffled, leaving only the heat of his touch and the soothing rhythm of his feeding.

The bite, while still a reminder of the danger he represented, became something else now. It became a kind of intimacy, a shared experience that, despite its inherent violence, felt unexpectedly tender.

When he finally pulled back, there was a quiet moment of stillness. His lips were stained with a trace of blood, but his eyes—his eyes were soft. Vulnerable, even.

“You’re still… you,” you whispered, unsure what else to say.

He smiled, a small, tired smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m sorry, darling,” he said quietly. “I don’t know how to be anything else.”

You didn’t answer him. Instead, you reached out, your fingers gently brushing over the scar he had left. The bite. The mark of his hunger or power, yes, but also of something else. Of the person he had been. Of the person he was, in this moment.

[ineffabildaddy]

on today's episode of understanding good omens through my own life:

a story about my ineffable inevitable queer teenage experience with an intense, volatile, fiercely affectionate 'friendship' that was definitely not just a friendship in retrospect.

when i was eleven, i started secondary school, and i met a girl who quickly became my best friend (i'm a trans man, and i also understood myself as a girl at the time. i still understand myself as a girl at that time). we became known as a unit because we couldn't get enough of each other, and we did absolutely everything together.

on the first day of our second year, we saw each other for the first time in several weeks because she had been away in her home country that summer. i had been counting down the seconds until she came back. when she was in the process of giving out souvenirs from her trip to all our friends, she waited until she saw i was alone and approached me. she handed me a ziploc bag full of shells and rock fragments.

"i picked these out for you at the beach," she said.

i thanked her and asked her to show me the bags of shells she'd made up for the others.

"i didn't do this for the others. i only did it for you," she responded, and walked away.

i had never felt anything like what i felt in that moment, and i haven't since. i was a lonely kid, especially before that age. what i mean to say is... no one had ever done anything just for me. no one had ever thought of me when i wasn't there; no one had ever taken the time to give me something that they had so carefully picked out; no one had ever stated with such conviction, in what was said or what was unsaid, that what they had done for me was not to be enjoyed by anyone else.

i like to remember this when i try to understand this moment in good omens:

i can't begin to comprehend what aziraphale must have felt in that moment, but remembering that day of my own life is the closest thing i've got.

mere months after that day, we started to argue. we had a huge falling out. i told her that no one on earth was capable of hurting me quite like she was (thirteen year-old me, in her own twisted way, thought that was a compliment). she told me in no uncertain terms that she couldn't stand me. we stopped talking.

a few months after that, we reconciled and we became closer than ever, but that tension, that unrest, was always lying under the surface, just waiting to gnash its teeth - and sometimes it did. these were also the years in which we were discovering our queer identities, and it took us a long time to really understand each other's journeys in that regard.

at sixteen, we both left our school and moved to a different institution till we graduated at eighteen. though we were at the same sixth form college, we just had different lives and didn't hang out anymore, though we remained on good terms. now, we text every once in a while, and we always say we'll meet up, but we never do. in october of last year, i bumped into her for the first time in maybe four years while coming home from a pavement gig. she was sitting on the doorstep of her parents' place with a roll-up cigarette. it was like no time had passed.

looking back, i can say with full confidence that i was in love with her. i do not know how else to understand our relationship. she drove me up the wall the way she did because i had never felt anything like what i felt for her for anyone else - and i haven't to this day.

even now, every time she is even mentioned in conversation, i dream about her the night following. and i still have those shells, hidden away in a wooden box i've never shown anyone; it's not too far from the shoebox that contains every note she ever passed me, every doodle she ever drew for me, every card she ever wrote me. in other words, i was permanently altered by our relationship, and her absence from my life has never diminished that. the same can naturally be said of crowley and aziraphale, to a much, much greater extent. i relive my memories of us because they help me understand many things about myself and others, and i've recently found that good omens has encouraged this.

this ended up longer than i intended but i hope you got something out of it.<3

[outfitqueer]

The First Steps

Coming Out to Myself @outfitqueer 🏳️‍⚧️

The journey to coming out to myself was a quiet yet profound odyssey, marked by moments of deep self-reflection and emotional turbulence.

It was like discovering a hidden room in a house I’d lived in for years, a space that had always been there but was only now coming into focus.

I remember the first time I seriously considered my identity.

It wasn’t a single, dramatic revelation but rather a series of small, almost imperceptible shifts.

I’d catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and feel an unsettling disconnect, like seeing a stranger’s reflection superimposed over my own.

The more I explored these feelings, the more I realized that what I was seeing wasn’t a mere distortion but a reflection of who I truly was.

One of the earliest moments of self-realization came when I started to allow myself to dream about being my authentic self.

I’d imagine scenarios where I could express myself freely, where my appearance and identity aligned seamlessly.

These dreams were a source of both hope and anxiety. They painted a picture of a life that felt so right and so distant all at once.

It was exhilarating to envision this new reality but equally daunting to confront the gap between that vision and my current reality.

The process of coming out to myself was also deeply emotional. There were tears—sometimes of relief, sometimes of frustration—as I faced the truth of my feelings.

It was an internal struggle to reconcile the image I had long presented to the world with the identity I was slowly acknowledging within.

I grappled with fears about what this acceptance would mean for my relationships, my career, and my overall sense of self-worth.

I spent countless hours reflecting on what it meant to truly accept myself.

This wasn’t just about acknowledging my identity as a trans woman; it was about embracing it fully and allowing myself to be vulnerable with that truth. I would sit with my thoughts, sometimes in quiet solitude, sometimes in the midst of a crowded room, and ask myself tough questions. What would it mean for my future? How would my life change? And most importantly, could I accept this change with love and compassion for myself?

During this time, I also sought out resources and communities that helped me understand my identity better.

Reading books and stories from other trans people, engaging in online forums, and finding support networks were crucial steps.

These external sources of validation helped me to validate my own feelings, to see that my experiences were part of a larger, shared narrative.

The turning point came when I reached a sense of inner peace. It was a quiet moment of acceptance, when the fear and anxiety started to be overshadowed by a profound sense of rightness.

I realized that accepting myself wasn’t about eliminating fear—it was about embracing who I truly was despite the fear.

It was about recognizing that the discomfort of living a lie was far greater than the challenges that might come with living my truth.

Coming out to myself was not just a precursor to coming out to others; it was a fundamental part of the journey.

It was the moment when I looked in the mirror and saw not just the person I had been pretending to be, but the person I had always been inside. It was a moment of self-love and acceptance that laid the groundwork for the steps I would take next.

In accepting myself, I found a deep well of courage and hope. It was the beginning of a new chapter, one where I could step into the light with a sense of authenticity and self-assurance.

And while the path ahead was still uncertain, the act of coming out to myself provided the clarity and strength needed to face the world as my true self.

@outfitqueer 🏳️‍⚧️

[yagirlwrites]

(Not) My Baby (3)

Pairing: college! Rafe Cameron x Reader

Synopsys: Rafe struggles to explain himself and Y/N struggles to deal with the situation he put her in. Her best friend is there to comfort her in the aftermath.

Warnings: Angst

A/N: Hi y'all! I'm so sorry this took so damn long to update! I hope it's enjoyable enough and people still care about this little story! I do intend to write this series out completely, I have not given up on it! But life be a bitch and I be busy, unfortunately. I hope y'all like this part and as always let me know what you think!

Series Masterlist

My work is my own; it's not to be copied, transferred or translated (but reblogs are welcome).

Happy reading! 🥰

(Not) My Baby (Part 3)

Stella walked through the door after a long afternoon of classes, ready to plop down on the couch and chill hard. Walking into the livingroom she greeted out a cheery "Honey, I'm home!" followed by a chuckle. She expected to be welcomed with an eyeroll from /Y/N or a silly comment from Lena but she was met with silence.

Y/N was sitting on the couch - a melted pint of Ben & Jerry's on the table, seemingly untouched - staring at the TV screen with a far away look in her eye. She hadn't even noticed Stella's arrival.

"Peach?" Stella's voice was quiet, catious, unsure of what was going on. Her worry only grew once she realized Y/N still wasn't acknowledging her. She approached her gently, laying an uncertain hand on her shoulder and calling her name again.

Y/N snapped out of her thoughts with a start, confused and disoriented for a few seconds untill she realized who was touching her and where she was. The darkness was slowly setting in outside, accompanied by the twinkling of lights. She had no idea how long she had been sitting there, staring at nothing.

"Are you okay, Peach?" She finally met Stella's eye and shook off her haze.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Pumpkin" she replied with a small smile.

Their nicknames for each other had been a staple of their friendship since freshman year. That first semester, the dorm they had shared had been a mess. The mysterious stench that could never be placed constantly plaguing them. They were forced to light scented candles to neutralize it. Y/N's favourite was the Peach scented one her mother made for her before she left for college. Stella's choice was always Pumpkin Spice, no matter what the season was. One day the nicknames came up and they hadn't left them since. The memory always made her smile.

"You don't seem okay." Her friend wore a concerned look and she sighed. She didn't even know how to begin to explain to her what was wrong. Physically she had been on that couch for hours, but her mind was still at the sandwich bar... with him.

"Something weird happened today..." She started talking, hoping that if she managed to explain it to Stella she might start to make sense of it herself.

-----

"Are you gonna say something?" His voice broke her staredown with the glass of water on the table in front of her. She hadn't moved a muscle for several minutes, trying and failing to process his words.

His family thought they were a couple. And it was because of him. He told a boldfaced lie and implicated her in it. How the hell does she react to that?

"Why?" Her voice startled him when she finaly spoke. He was freaking out big time. How the hell could he explain it without sounding like a dick? He couldn't. If she didn't before, she will definitely hate him now.

"I -" he trailed off, not being able to meet her eye. The words weren't coming no matter how hard he willed them to. Just say something, idiot!

Her focus was on him again and he didn't know if that freaked him out more or less than her disasociation from earlier. She was staring. Waiting. He wasn't even sure she was blinking. He tried wiping his sweaty hands on his pants, but it didn't help.

"My family..." he looked up at her, making sure she was still listening and not getting ready to run.

"My family is complicated. I've been dodging the talk about girlfriends and relationships for as long as I could... But then they started pestering me about this wedding and my stepmom was talking about these different girls" he scoffed "options, she called them. Options for dates for the wedding. And I tried, I really tried to get them to drop it but then my dad got angry because I wasn't taking things seriously and he started going on about how immature I am that I can't even have a single relationship work and how embarrasing it is having to set me up with these dates and I just -"

He had been speaking so fast she was struggling to keep up, the story spilling from his lips as if he had been holding it in for ages. She supposed he had. The way he made his family sound was making her skin crawl.

"I just cracked." His eyes were glossy, and if she didn't know any better she'd think he was on the verge of tears.

"I told them I have a girlfriend." He took a big gulp of his sweet tea, trying to calm his skipping heart. He felt ill, like he was going to pass out from telling her all of this. But she gave him no choice.

"Okay..." she broke the silence when it became clear he wasn't going to continue. He still hadn't explained why she was involved and that's exacly what she told him. He was playing with his hands on the table again, cheeks flushed and beads of sweat forming on his brow. He looked rough.

"Once I said it, I couldn't take it back. But then they started demanding to know 'who she was' and 'why I hadn't told them' and 'how long we've been together' and they kept-" he closed his eyes then.

"They kept asking : 'Whats her name? Who is it?' over and over and I just... your name slipped out."

----

"He what?!" Stella had been listening to the story with bathed breath untill that moment. Y/N sighed and repeated herself.

"He told them we're together..." Her hands met her face as she exhaled. This was not helping at all. She supposed it was wishful thinking that it might.

"What the fuck?" Stella took a large sip from her wine glass - having at some point during the recounting of Y/N's day decided she needed to pour them both a drink.

"Exactly." Y/N leaned her head back over the couch and closed her eyes, trying and failing to push away the oncoming headache. She could feel the pulsing in her ears. This was a mess. She had no clue what to do about it. So she took another sip of the Pinot.

"So what did you say?" Stella was holding onto the wine glass with an iron grip, the situation making every nerve in her body buzz with anticipation and trepidation. Completely bewildered but secretly loving the drama.

She had always thought the two had a weird relationship. Even though her friend would kill her if she knew she thought of the word 'relationship' pertaining to them in the first place. She knew he had left a mark on the girl, having witnessed the way they acted around each other. He pushed all her buttons and Y/N never hesitated to throw back what she got. But Stella never knew the full extent of it and she wondered if this was a blessing or a curse.

On the one hand, there was always an insane ammount of sexual tension between Y/N and Rafe. Everyone thought so but no one dared say it, not willing to risk life and limb from the pair. Maybe this could be what tips over the glass and they finally resolve whatever is going on between them. Or, more likely, it would end in blood and tears. It was one of the two, Stella was sure of it.

"I don't know..." Y/N trailed off, looking awkward as hell.

"You don't know what you said?" Stella was looking at her with disbelief. What did that even mean?

"I just... I freaked out. Okay?" Y/N's voice held a note of panic and embarrassment and Stella could not help herself, leaning over, now on the edge of her seat.

"Freaked out how?"

----

"What do you mean 'my name slipped out'?" Her voice was incredulous. He'd put her in a terrible position without a second thought. It made her cheeks flush with anger again.

"It just slipped out, okay? I didn't plan it. It just happened!" He was tripping over his words with how fast he was talking. It felt like everything was falling appart and he had no idea how to fix it. If he even could anymore.

Y/N was shaking her head, eyes wide as the realisation of exactly what he had done finally sunk in. And then she lost the plot a little bit, she'll admit.

"I'm sorry. Okay? I never meant for it to happen. But then once it was out there I couldn't take it back. I couldn't tell them I lied! My dad would never let me live it down, he'd never let me forget..." He trailed off from his rambling then.

As he had been speaking, Y/N had reached over and grabbed the sandwich off his plate and was currently munching down on it, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"Did you just... take my sandwich?" He didn't even mean to speek, the bizzarity of the situation just making his words slip out. She looked at him then and there was a spark of anger in her eyes that made him gulp.

"Yeah... yeah! I did take your sandwich." She took another bite, maintaining eye contact. She knew it was childish but she'd be damned if she apologized now.

"I eat when I'm stressed. This is making me very stressed." She spoke as she grabbed his tea and then proceeded to down half of it. He was completely bewildered at what was happening.

"That's..." he trailed off, trying to move on from this weird moment, while she chewed on his lunch.

"Look it - it doesn't matter. If you could just see it from my perspective you'd understand-"

"Understand what?" She interrupted, voice eerily cold. "Understand that after being a dick to me for years, you decided to involve me in your family drama that has nothing to do with me? To lie about us being a couple? Not only that but you expect me to help you keep up the lie!? Go to a wedding? Are you actually insane?"

She was getting angrier by the second. How dare he? After everything, after how he treated her... to go and pull something like this? It was unbelievable. Selfish. Egoistic. So very him, after all. She scoffed at the realisation.

"You know what?" He was looking at her with big pleading eyes as she stood from her seat.

"I don't need this." She grabbed her stuff and made to leave.

"Please, Y/N!" His hand wrapped around her wrist again and she saw red.

"Take your fucking hand off me." He raised his hands up in surrender, fear in his eyes. He had really fucked this up big time. He didn't even know why he thought this would go any differently.

"Please..." His pleading voice and those big eyes made a funny feeling she couldn't decipher blossom in her stomach. She was frozen in place.

"Please, just think about it? Please?" Her face softened some at his pathetic state. Why was this act pulling on her heartstrings?

"I - I need you." He was fighting so hard not to touch her, to pull her to him and beg her. He was so close to getting down on his knees when she spoke.

"Fine. I'll think about it." Her words were quiet and for a moment he thought he imagined them, but the sincere look in her eyes made him realize it was true. He didn't expect that.

She didn't expect that. She couldn't believe she folded like that. As soon as he brought out the sad eyes she was acting like a fucking idiot. She wanted to slap herself but instead she settled for turning and walking away from him. Angry. Sad. More confused than she'd ever been in her life.

----

Stella was sitting there, mouth agape. Y/N finally stopped avoiding her eyes and looked at her friend. She wanted to disappear. For the ground to swallow her up. She felt so drained and lost and now, once again, embarrassed.

"You stole his sandwich?" Stella was visibly holding back a laugh and Y/N couldn't stop the eye roll. Of course she would focus on that.

"Piss off." She got up to put her glass in the sink, trying to settle her heart from reliving the day. Stella followed, completely unphased by the girl snapping at her.

"Okay, so what are you gonna do?" Y/N took a deep breath and looked at her friend. Stella finally realized how tired Y/N looked and that it was probably taking a lot more out of her than she had picked up on. She got lost in the drama of it all but her friend was really stressed.

"You know what? We can worry about that tomorrow. Okay?" Y/N let out a breath of relief, even if it was a small one.

"What do you say we get into your bed and put on netflix, like we used to?" Y/N gave a small smile and a nod at that and Stella wrapped her arm around her, leading them towards her room. "I'll heat up the leftovers from last night and we can cozy up, yeah?"

Y/N agreed. Even thought she had planned to make a nice dinner tonight she knew she had no energy. Yet another thing Rafe had ruined today. Left over cheesy pasta would have to take on the difficult job of trying to soothe her. She knew it wouldn't succeed though. It couldn't possibly. She was fucked on so many levels and she had no idea how to move forward.

But for tonight, it didn't matter. Simon Bassett and his dreamy forearms were the only thing she needed to focus on tonight. That and the feel of her friend holding her in a comforting embrace, making her smile. She was glad to have Stella by her side, no matter what. And before she drifted into dream land, she realised that as long as she had her friends she would be just fine. She always was. Rafe couldn't ruin that.

---

Taglist: if anyone wants to be tagged in future work let me know; @r0und3bitch @tee-swizzle @wishing-i-was-rafes-princess @goldenjo @kanib45 @clinelyn @magnificantmermaid @mannstarkey @harringtonstudios @totallynotkaibiased @popcrone818 @fangirlwithlou @rafesxgold @cmac-writes @malfoytargaryen @alinaharlow @buggy-d-chopper @withbeautyandrage @sierrahhh @harrys-humble-housewife

[ateez-himari]

Behind The Track ... Shadow ♪

🔓 Unlocked

‥ The track reflects a conflict happening within Himari's mind which grows along with her fame, showcasing that every piece of light has its dark counterpart that grows stronger the more it is pushed away.

‥ She has been rather open recently about mental challenges she has faced since the group's debut and putting those negative periods into songs is - in her opinion - a way to fight her internal battles. In this case being able to write about her 'shadow' is a way of unlocking a piece of herself which still needs healing, letting out the raging emotions out in a non-harmful way and allowing her to deal with it on her own terms.

‥ Despite being a vocalist she chose to rely heavily on rap throughout the song, using vocals solely for the chorus, as she felt it conveyed the distress behind the lyrics more accurately. Rapping is usually seen as something angry and aggressive, making it the ideal choice to express the raging emotions contained in the verses while vocals are viewed as more vulnerable which is why it is used in the chorus - which is no longer confrontational but desperate.

‥ When the members listened to the rough version there was a moment of silence after the song ended as they tried to process everything they had just learned about the maknae's struggles. Yoongi having gone through very similar experiences had to step out of the studio in order to calm his thoughts as seeing so much of himself in his younger sister scared him, mainly because he did not want the cycle to repeat itself with her.

‥ This track had been in the works for a while yet she chose to completely wipe the old lyrics as they had been created during a time where she still had a hard time accepting the more negative parts of herself - her shadow - and she wanted the story to show the full extent of her conflict's growth, not bring back the version of herself in its deepest state of fatigue.

📂 Notebook

‥ 'Shadow' This represents every negative part of herself that she wishes to push away, every hurtful memory, her deepest regrets and even things such as emotional or physical pain. It also embodies anger, grudges, greed, resentment, etc.

‥ 'I wanna be...' These desires for greatness not only demonstrate the dreamy mindset of wanting to have it all but also the desperation to be good enough, to not let the hopes of those who believe in her be in vain. With the industry's constant push for perfection she developed a fear of failure, beginning to have trouble admitting when something she did was the best that could have possibly been done within her abilities.

‥ 'I wondered everyday how far I'd go. I came to my senses and I find myself here' After leaving JYPE in favor of KQ her future became uncertain due to the amount of elimination risks that came with the survival show, instilling doubt in her mind every day about how long she could hold on to her spot. During that time she drowned herself in training - including learning new skills such as production and rap - which made every day that passed almost unnoticed so when she finally took a breath after being chosen, only then did she realize she had succeeded.

‥ 'Yeah, hmm, shadow at my feet. Look down, it's gotten even bigger. I run but the shadow follows, as dark as the light's intense' The fact that the shadow stands at her feet symbolizes the fact that she has kept it below her all this time, ignoring its very existence in hopes that the light - ATEEZ's success - would dissipate it. However once she truly pays attention to it, it has grown much bigger than anticipated and no matter how much she attempts to ignore it once more she realizes that there is no escaping what has been created by her own mind. 'As dark as the light's intense' refers to the fact that the group's success only strengthens that shadow due to more stress factors, more eyes on her, more grueling physical efforts, etc.

‥ 'I can leap in the air but also plunge, now I know.' Due to coming from a small company there was not much lower for the group to go hence she believed that the only thing they could so was rise yet as they did so, people began attempting to drag her down - making the manager wonder if keeping her was truly a good choice - and that was when she realized that despite the success they had achieved they also had a risk of all of that falling apart.

‥ 'Running away could be an option too, pause' A few months after debut she began getting a large amount of hate and realized that it was affecting the group's popularity growth, leading to her making the decision to leave. The 'pause' signifies the night her bandmates found out, during which they sat the girl down and did whatever they could to alter her choice.

‥ 'People say, there's splendor in that bright light. But my growing shadow swallows me and becomes a monster' The 'bright light' refers to fame which is something that most people find to be a wonderful thing and just as light creates shadows, fame creates negativity. The group was made to work harder the more successful they became which led to her sustaining multiple injuries from extensive practices or even performances during which she suffered from deep fatigue - essentially 'swallowing' her. Monsters are terrifying and seemingly unbeatable, which is how she felt going through her depressive episode.

‥ 'I rise, rise, I hate it.' ATEEZ saw a rapid ascent to popularity which still carries on to this day and although she is proud of this achievement, she claims to hate it in order to illustrate the heavy burdens that come with it.

‥ 'I pray, I pray, hoping to be okay' It has been stated before that she does not follow a religion - despite having a few spiritual beliefs - so the fact that there is willingness to pray to something she does not believe in shows the extent of her desperation. It felt so much as though she was running out of options that the only thing she could do was hope some higher power would be willing to help her.

‥ 'Please don't let me shine. Don't let me down, don't let me fly. Now I'm afraid' The words have nothing to do with one another, symbolizing the fact that in such a terrified and desperate state there are so many things running through her head that all she can do is beg desperately to be protected from what she is afraid of.

‥ 'The moment I face myself brought lowest. It so happens that I'm flying the highest.' The Fireworks era was the lowest point in her mental health following increased demands for her to be removed from the group as well as several personal side factors and it was a time during which her body was experiencing increased fatigue. At this time however ATEEZ was at a high point, filming the show 'Kingdom: Legendary War' and 'Stressor Things' all the while promoting their new album. A similar circumstance happened during the Guerilla era, during which people claimed she needed to train harder in order to reach the members' level of power - leading to severe impacts on her body including the inability to stand after the song was over.

‥ 'Try smiling, what are you hesitating for? Wasn't this the kind of thing you were hoping for? Or cry instead, what are you scared of? Wasn't this the kind of thing you'd been wanting?' Pushing herself to smile mainly refers to the fact that in front of cameras she refused to show her fatigue, going by most days believing that tomorrow everything would go back to normal - that these feelings eating away at her were temporary. Crying was also complicated around the members due to her refusal to burden them with whatever was happening in her mind - somewhat afraid that their reactions would be negative. Questioning herself about the fact that it was what she wanted is a form of self-criticism in which she is trying to find reasons around the shadow's existence, removing any validity the conflict in her mind has.

‥ 'All the things you wanted, you've got it all. So what's the problem? Just enjoy it. Or just let it go, no? Then run, or stop. Don't whine, just choose one or the other' A lot of the time Himari became conflicted with her own feelings, not understanding why there were times she seemed tired of her career as it was what many people dreamed of and it was what she sacrificed so much for. When tired thoughts made their way into her mind, she would scold herself with the same lines she had heard from 'fans'; 'How can you be depressed when you have everything ?'.

‥ 'That at times, your rest becomes your fall. Do you finally get it? That giving it your best effort every time is what it means to do your best' Having very high expectations for herself she would not rest until she got the choreography down to perfection, however over time - thanks to a lot of help from the members - she realized that sometimes there were things her body was not able to do or handle so simply doing things to the best of her abilities was enough.

‥ [Distortion following the second bridge] The sudden switch is a humanization of the shadow's voice, turning the song into a conversation between it and her consciousness rather than a monologue.

‥ 'Yeah I'm you, you are me, now do you know. Yeah you are me, I'm you, now you do know' The shadow is attempting to rationalize with her more conscious self in order to make her realize that the mind will only become more conflicted the longer the two parts stay as two separate entities. 'Now do you know' is an aggressive, somewhat arrogantly phrased question to show that while Himari attempted to build a new self comprised of nothing but light, the shadow always knew that both could not exist without one another.

‥ 'We are one body, sometimes we will clash. You can never break me off, this you must know' Both sides of her persona essentially share the same source, the same mind, which means there is never truly an escape from either and confusion in her own mind is inevitable, even so, no side can be destroyed. 'This you must know' conveys the urgency behind the need for reconciliation between the two parts for the sake of the healing of her mental health.

‥ 'Yeah you'll be at ease if you admit it too. Yeah succeed or fail, whichever way you flow. Yeah you can't escape, wherever you go' Once again these lines are from the shadow's point of view helping her realize that the darker parts of herself will always be here no matter what, inciting her to comes to terms with this fact in order to heal. In this she is essentially attempting to make her conscious self realize that recognizing she's hurt is the first step to getting better.

‥ 'We are you, we are me, this do you know' The final lyric being from her shadow counterpart symbolizes that the conflict has been put to rest, using the word 'we' to refer to both parts as one hence symbolizing the new coexistence between the pained and healing sides of herself.

[smolcinnamonchipmunk]

Tricky Testing

(Fucking finally! Have this before I end up stupidly re-writing this. Enjoy the technically second half of the prologue.)

Word Count: 22,709

TW/CW: I legitimately can’t think of any. I guess experimentation?

______________________________________________________________

I slowly became aware of my existence again, my eyelids still feeling heavy as I opened them. Blearily, I noticed stacks of containers and someone a little ways away, looking vaguely familiar to the general aesthetic of the space station. Memories took a second to return but I was interrupted from fully processing them by a soft “Hi.” to my right.

“Dan Heng?” I asked, shaking my head to try and become more alert. I feel like at any other point I probably would have been unintentionally startled if it didn’t feel like my head was throbbing with my mouth feeling as dry as cotton. There was a nausea that sat at the pit of my stomach too.

“It’s good that you’ve made it through in one piece,” the man said, crossing his arms over his chest. “You can rest easy now that the threat from the Legion has been neutralized.”

“Wait, they’re gone?” Trying to shake off my bleariness, I winced when it made my head pound more. The confusion wasn’t helping.

“Well, this invasion seems to be nothing more than a random provocation,” Dan Heng replied, crossing his arms a bit in thought. " As soon as the Doomsday Beast fell, the Legion retreated.”

“The Beast fell?” I blinked in surprise at him and something about the way his expression changed made me feel like I should know that the Beast had fallen, but I mostly just remembered pain and bright lights before being knocked out. 

“Yes…” Dan Heng said slowly, looking uncertain like whether or not he should tell me something. Instead, he shook his head a little at a decision he came to internally and handed me a small handheld device. “I’ll leave any further explanations to Himeko. I guess I’ll leave you to rest up a bit for the time being. By the way, what’s your beacon address? That way if anything happens, I can contact you.”

I took the offered device and looked it over absentmindedly, frowning in a bit of confusion. “Beacon?”

“We found it on your person after you passed out. I’m guessing you have no memory of acquiring it and the attack took priority, so it makes sense that it wouldn’t cross your mind.”

“Oh, uh… Lemme check what the number is then, I guess?” I said uncertainly. Thankfully, the device wasn’t locked with a code or anything, so I was able to get inside and Dan Heng walked me through how to navigate to where I could find my Beacon number. As we looked through, finding that the Beacon must be new with nothing to give clues about my situation, I asked him, “You happen to have anything to help with a headache?”

“Hold on.” Dan Heng looked up when he was finished writing my Beacon number in his own Beacon, pocketing it. He took out what looked to be a tiny unopened pouch of some painkiller and handed it to me. “Go see Himeko when you have the time. She said she had something to discuss with you. Try not to get into any trouble.”

“I’ll try,” I replied, not even sure what kind of trouble I could get into if there wasn’t an active invasion anymore. I had no water, but I took the painkiller dry. “You’re Aeon-sent.”

I paused. What kind of turn of phrase was that? Aeon?

The man seemed satisfied with my response, giving me a nod before turning around and walking off, leaving me alone in the middle of the space station. A space station I hadn’t navigated myself, something I didn’t even realize until he was too far.

“Wait, fuck,” I felt a jolt of panic run through me but winced when it caused my head to throb a bit more. I immediately deflated a little, sighing, “Ugh, I’ll figure it out…”

I waited a good while in the corner I'd woken up in for my headache to subside before getting up to figure out where I was.

It didn’t take long to see that I was still in the master control zone when I reached a balcony that oversaw the whole area, several researchers still milling about. Down below I could see Asta and Arlan near the center of the room with a tiny white thing by Arlan’s feet. What was that thing?

Curious and with no direction other than finding Himeko at some point, I wandered around until I found the stairs down to the first floor and walked over to Arlan.

“Hey, Arlan,” I said to get his attention from some other guys that I assumed were also security. As he turned around, I started asking, “Do you-?”

“Nova!” Arlan’s voice was entirely surprised as he looked at me, eyes wide. For some reason, I was caught off guard as he added, “You’re back to normal!”

“Huh?” I glanced myself over and realized he was caught off guard by my current size. Fair enough considering. “Oh, uh, yeah. It happened when the Doomsday Beast showed up for some reason. Whatever happened to me, I seem to be fine now.”

“Doomsday Beast…” he sounded about as confused as I felt about the situation, but I couldn’t deny the results and neither could he. Arlan shook his head to clear his thoughts. “How can I help you?”

“I’m looking for Himeko,” I told him, putting my hands in my pockets. I just realized that he was around my height, able to look him in the eyes without difficulty compared to needing to look up a bit to talk to Dan Heng earlier. “Dan Heng said that she had some things to discuss with me. Or one thing? I dunno.”

“Hmm,” Arlan looked to the side in thought and crossed his arms, replying, “Well, last I was tracking, those with the Astral Express went back to the rail platform. I heard that Madam Herta is showing up later today in response to the attack on the space station, so it’s likely that one of the Express personnel will want to talk to her.”

“Thanks,” I turned around and made to go to the rail platform before remembering… I had no clue where it was. Rubbing the back of my neck, I looked back at Arlan. “Actually, could you point me in the direction of the rail platform? I can’t remember where it is…”

“I can give you a copy of the unclassified space station schematics,” Arlan replied, pulling out his own Beacon and unlocking it. I didn’t even want to know how he managed to put in such a long password, his fingers flying across the screen as password dots filled the bar.

There were a couple minutes of me fumbling to give him my Beacon number, waiting to receive the map, and him walking me through how to read it and where everything was before I felt comfortable enough to leave him. Satisfied after giving it another glance over, I turned around and gave Arlan a departing wave, saying, “Thanks, man! I’ll leave you to it then.”

“No problem,” he waved back in response before looking back to the few other security guys that had probably been watching the entire interaction awkwardly.

“Sorry,” I told them, turning around and remembering the white thing near Arlan that I had seen earlier. I wasn’t very used to needing to look down and turned my gaze floor-ward to see a fluffy white creature. A little dog, my mind supplied without any memories of interacting with one. Still, I knew immediately that I wanted to crouch beside it and give it pets.

“Aww, look at you,” I knelt in front of the dog, an arm-length away from a habit I didn’t remember acquiring. I slowly reached out my hand towards it and let it sniff my fingertips. It barked at me, but I knew it was friendly with its wagging tail and lack of snarling.

“That’s Peppy,” Arlan’s voice caught my attention, making me look up as I reached out and pet the furball. Thankfully, the other security personnel were walking away, so the bark didn’t seem to interrupt anything. “Asta’s dog. I look after it sometimes.”

Despite the slightly dismissive way he spoke about the dog, the fondness in his eyes when he looked at the little creature gave away that he cared for it more than he let on. For what reason, I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t going to bother him more than I already was.

“Well, they’re very adorable,” I said, using both hands to ruffle its long fur. I was tempted to pull off my fingerless gloves to get the full feeling, the softness of its fur against my fingers. They were a very well taken care of pup. My hands didn’t even smell like dog when I made myself pull away and stood up, more like a hint of floral scent. “I’m gonna get out of your hair.”

I didn’t want to leave the dog but I kept feeling a prickling at the back of my neck like I was being watched and, glancing around a bit, noticed one or two researchers staring. It felt uncomfortable, even though I didn’t know what their thoughts were as they looked at me.

Were their thoughts good or bad?

Arlan and I exchanged farewells again before I started to meander around the master control zone. The map showed that the rail platform was a ways away, but Dan heng hadn’t really said that it was urgent to come find Himeko so I just kind of explored slowly. There was also a point where, when looking at the map on my Beacon, I accidentally closed out of it. 

I ended up making myself look through the whole thing to familiarize myself with the device before deciding that it’d been long enough and that I should start heading towards the rail platform.

I almost made it to the elevator before my Beacon dinged, making me stop and check it off to the side so that I didn’t get in anyone’s way.

‘Hi. This is Dan Heng. Remember to go find Himeko.’ The text under Dan Heng’s name looked up at me as I unlocked the Beacon, making me tilt my head and shift a bit on my feet as I settled to reply.

‘I know, looking for her now’ I texted back, not bothering with punctuation at the end. When the little icon for him typing popped up, I waited patiently for him to respond. Well, as patient as someone with a bunch of questions and barely any answers could. Admittedly a bit impatient, I added, ‘I assume she’s at the rail platform with you guys?’

The little bubble with blinking three dots stayed for a second or two before disappearing, only to return again after a moment more. 

‘No.’ was Dan Heng’s initial response, before thankfully being followed up fairly quickly. ‘She left to go to Herta’s office when I got back.’

“Ugh, really?” I mumbled to myself in slight irritation. But, at least I didn’t go so far that turning around would be incredibly annoying. The office should be here in the master control zone if I remembered right. A bit annoyed, I replied, ‘I’ll head over there then, thanks’

‘No problem.’

I reopened the station map that Arlan had sent me, flipping through the pages to find the one with the master control zone again. Giving it a couple look-throughs, I noticed that Herta’s office was back up on the second floor that I’d come down from. 

Goodie. 

Well, at least I knew where to go. And the close proximity meant that there was almost no chance of getting lost on the way.

Taking the left archway from the elevator, I walked up the stairs and saw a figure with bright red hair near the railing. She noticed me coming up the stairs as well since she called out, “Nova!”

“Howdy!” I called back, finishing making my way up the stairs to join her. I ignored the researchers glancing towards me at our brief exchange since most just went back to whatever they had been doing.

“You’re awake,” Himeko said as I walked up and stopped in front of her, giving me a small smile. “I had March and Dan Heng stay by the Express to keep an eye on things. It’s almost time. She should be arriving any moment now.”

“Uh, time for what?” I asked, tilting my head a bit in surprise. Dan Heng had said she’d explain things further, but now there’s a different ‘she’? I blinked when I noticed footsteps behind me.

“I’ve only been gone, what? A few months?” a small woman walked up to us wearing what looked like a white dress with a black jacket and hat accented by purple lining and flower respectively. She stopped in front of us and put her hands on her hips, looking unamused as she finished, “And the space station is already in this state?”

Somehow the long light-brown hair she had also looked unamused, like any excitement had been straightened out of it.

“Welcome back, Herta,” Himeko greeted the much smaller woman, making my next question of who this was obsolete. Looking at me, she gestured to the smaller woman with a hand. “This is the true master of the space station, Genius Society number 83, Herta.”

“Uh huh,” I said slowly, still taking stock of the new woman. I couldn’t help but look at her joints, reminded of a ball-joint doll even though I had no memory of coming across one. “Number 83?”

“At least give me a proper introduction!” Herta exclaimed, making me jolt a little with her offended shout even as she grumbled under her breath a bit. “Genius Society number 83… Of all my outstanding achievements, that’s what you want to mention?”

“So, you’re a… robot?” I asked, having not really expected this when I heard Madam Herta was coming back. Nor was I expecting her to be so small… or seemingly rude.

“What you’re seeing here is one of my puppets. I’m using her to talk to you.” Herta stated it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, proceeding to completely ignore me as she looked at Himeko. “So this little twerp has the Stellaron now? Huh.”

“Wha- twerp?!” I exclaimed in my own offended shock, mind completely skipping over the second half of the question. Himeko, however, just nodded at the little dickhead.

“Hmm, I’ll have to take a good look,” Herta murmured to herself, looking back at me. Her gaze felt clinical.

“Good look at what?” I asked, still not very pleased with my current impression of the woman. From everything I’d heard about her beforehand, I didn’t expect to like her, but it was another thing entirely to feel the unpleasantness firsthand.

“You, of course,” Herta rolled her eyes. Turning on her heel, she started walking off and didn’t even look behind her as she directed, “This way.”

I frowned at the woman’s back as she continued, but a glance towards Himeko where she nodded in encouragement made me reluctantly follow along after Herta. She didn’t go towards where her office on the map was nearby, instead leading Himeko and I down the steps away.

“So,” I said quietly beside Himeko, trailing beside her. “This is Herta.”

Himeko laughed lightly at my displeased tone. It seemed to be a common enough feeling associated with the other woman since Himeko neither defended or rebuked her. “Yes, this is Herta.”

I made disgruntled noise, staring at the puppet’s back as we followed her around the corner to the elevator. I expected Himeko to say something else but, when she didn’t, I glanced at her and saw that she was looking at me from the corner of her eye. She was expecting ME to say something. I didn’t know if it was because I was easy to read or because she was already supposed to be explaining things.

I guess she wanted me to word my concerns.

“What did she mean by saying I have the Stellaron,” I asked.

“I mean, you have the Stellaron,” Herta answered just ahead of us as she hit the button for the elevator, making me jolt in surprise.

“Isn’t it rude to eavesdrop?” I frowned, her answer not even clearing anything up since it had just been repeating what she’d said before.

“Isn’t it rude to talk about someone behind their back?”

I felt a rush of indignation, bristling a bit and hesitating when Herta and Himeko stepped into the elevator as it opened. I only joined them because Himeko gave me a small apologetic smile and gestured beside her. Herta had her arms crossed like she couldn’t care less whether or not I even came with them.

“That still didn’t clear anything up,” I retorted, crossing my own arms over my chest when I stood beside Himeko. The elevator felt a lot smaller now. “I don’t have anything but my clothes and the Beacon thing.”

“Wrong.” Herta stated bluntly, pressing a button I didn’t care enough to pay attention to in my irritation. Before I could find myself incensed at her lackluster explanations, Himeko spoke up.

“What Herta means to say,” Himeko said, successfully gaining my attention as I looked up at her. I heard Herta scoff in front of us. “-is that, somehow, the dormant Stellaron that she’d been keeping on the space station ended up inside of you.”

I blinked dumbly at her, caught off guard.

“The room March and Dan Heng found you in is the same one that was used to harbor the inactive Stellaron,” she continued after I didn’t reply immediately. Her expression looked like she was trying to be reassuring but also had an alertness to it, likely trying to gauge my reaction. “We only connected the dots after you took down the Doomsday Beast.”

“Wait, I took down the Beast thing?” I asked in disbelief. I guess I understood now why Dan Heng seemed hesitant at my surprise when I heard that it was defeated. “How?”

“The Stellaron did,” Herta interrupted. The elevator doors opened and she led us out into another hall, glancing back disapprovingly at Himeko. “Don’t go and give them a complex.”

“We can’t say for certain whether it was only the Stellaron or if it enhanced their own abilities,” Himeko replied, unbothered by the smaller woman. 

“We’ll see,” Herta sounded unconvinced and unbothered as she stopped in front of a set of doors that had a card reader on the side and what looked like a biometric panel. I was saved from asking how useful that was considering she was in a puppet by her waving her hand past the card reader, causing it to beep with a green flash and the biometric panel to open up with an indent the exact shape and size of her hand. 

Circuit markings in the biometric panel glowed as she put her palm inside, turning green in acceptance. The panel reclosed when she pulled her hand away, the doors hissing as they opened. I shuddered at the burst of cold air from inside.

“Welcome to my private lab,” Herta declared proudly, walking into the room. Himeko followed first, then I reluctantly trailed into the chill behind her.

Looking around there was all kinds of equipment that felt vaguely familiar, and most of them completely foreign in the massive room. Walls of consoles and cabinets, cluttered yet organized counters full of beakers, stands, electronics, and other equipment, metal rows of counters cutting through the otherwise open space. There were massive clear vats of something in the corner of the room. Metal lockers lined walls unfilled by cabinets and counters. Another Herta puppet stood at one of the counters mid-action like it’d been frozen while working.

With how cold it was in here, maybe it had been.

“Alright,” Herta said, weaving between two rows of counters to a surprisingly empty portion of the room. As she approached a section of the floor opened and a metallic exam table lifted out of the ground. She stopped beside it and put her hands on her hips as she turned around. “Get up.”

“Uuuuh,” I made a prolonged uncertain noise at the direction, slowly walking up to the exam table. I put a hand on the table’s surface and shuddered as the metal leeched away whatever heat I had. I hoped that this wouldn’t take long so I could retreat from the freezing confines of the room. I unhappily hopped up to sit on the exam table, trying to ignore the almost painful goosebumps that I could prickling my skin. “What are we doing exactly?”

“Relax,” Herta said, walking off to the side to grab something. I watched her, vaguely recognizing the item as some basic medical device. “I’m just going to check your vitals and some readings.”

“Right..”

She was at least correct about it, even if she was thorough. Apparently, my heartrate was a bit high but still in the normal range and everything else rudimentary was normal as well. Same as any other flesh and blood human apparently. The ‘hmmm’s and ‘huh’s started when I was convinced to put some kind of nodes on my chest. 

Well, when I smacked her hands away instinctively when she peeled the back of one and reached for me, leading Himeko to convince Herta that I could put them on myself. The stickiness made me shiver in slight disgust but I put the nodes on as directed. At this point, my fingers felt numb from the cold, shoving them under my thighs to try and get some heat back into them. It only worked slightly with the metal I was sitting on.

“You were surprised earlier when I said the Beast was taken down by you,” Himeko said while Herta muttered to herself in the background. Looking up at her, I wasn’t sure if she was just trying to pass the time or distract me. Maybe both. “Can you tell me what you remember?”

“Uhh, I can try,” I said, not expecting to be put on the spot like this. I spoke slowly as I thought, answering, “I remember feeling panicked when I saw the Beast aim a beam or something towards March and running forward before I could stop myself. I thought it’d hurt, but it didn’t. Not at first, at least. I’m pretty sure I blacked out because I woke up in a void nowhere and there was some voice talking to me.”

“Did you recognize the voice?”

“I don’t know, maybe?” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, only able to think of it vaguely like a dream slipping through my fingers. “I just remember they said something like ‘they’ve noticed you’ or whatever and then there was a figure that looked shattered with gold eyes and gold scars and stuff.”

“Nanook?” Herta asked, speaking directly to me for the first time in minutes.

“I don’t know who that is,” I replied. Even if I was told about them, I’d been given so much information recently that it all swirled around together.

“Aeon of Destruction,” the smaller woman clarified, walking back over to the exam table and holding her hand out. When I just blinked at her, she sighed and grabbed my own hand, holding it still and pricking my fingertip with something before I could react.

“Ow,” I yelped, snatching my hand back as soon as she let go and held it to my chest defensively, glaring at her retreating form when she walked off to a microscope.

“I don’t know who the voice was,” Herta continued talking like she hadn’t just stolen a blood sample to look at, emptying the couple drops she nicked onto a slide and placing it beneath the scope. Her voice muffled slightly as she looked into it. “But if Nanook saw you, then you’ve garnered more attention from the Aeons than some of their own followers.”

“Do you remember anything after that,” Himeko asked, softly redirecting me from Herta’s ramblings.

“Um… a lot of pain,” I said, chuckling sheepishly, shifting to release my hand and rub the back of my neck. I rolled my eyes when Herta told me to quit moving and ruining the readings, but I put my arm back down. “I vaguely remember some guy showing up and a train, but that’s it.”

“That’s Welt Yang,” Himeko looked slightly amused at me referring to him as ‘some guy’. “He brought the Astral Express to the rail platform and forced you unconscious to subdue the Stellaron.”

“Oh…” was all I could say, unsure how else to respond. 

“Hmm, truly amazing!” Herta eventually exclaimed past her muttering science-y jargon to herself the entire time, making me jolt in surprise. She looked up from the microscope and walked to the nearest console to check on the readings. She walked over to me and held her hand out again. 

I just glared at her distrustfully.

“Take off the nodes, twerp.”

I scowled but reluctantly obliged, grimacing in disgust as I peeled them off and felt a sticky residue cling to my shirt when I pulled them out. She took them without complaint as she walked back up to one of the consoles to look at the recorded readings.

“I built a whole space station just to contain this unactivated Stellaron and keep The Blue from disaster… Yet someone was able to achieve that with this little twerp’s body,” she mused to herself, staring intently at the readings that just looked like random squiggles to me. Especially from this distance. “How did they do it?”

“Moreover, the Stellaron is still very stable in Nova’s body,” Himeko spoke, also sounding pleased as she walked over and leaned a little over Herta’s shoulder to also look at the readings. 

“You’re right. This little one’s body truly is strange…”

“Can you stop calling me ‘little one’?” I asked from where I remained sat on the cold lab table, watching the two women without any amusement. I was already irritated from the cold. Now that I had no nodes on myself I didn’t hesitate to cross my arms over my chest and hug myself, trying to warm back up again. “It’s degrading.”

“Hah! Compared to me, you are.” Herta laughed, leaning back from the console to look at me. “How old are you even?”

I narrowed my eyes into a glare. That one was a low blow, I couldn’t remember shit and certainly didn’t remember my Aeon-damned age.

“And that’s not even taking into account how you were found the size of a tiny figurine.” The smaller woman seemed far too amused at the prospect, giving me a smug smile.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover, Herta.” Himeko almost sounded like she was chastising a child. “Case in point, that puppet body of yours is actually much smaller than Nova is now.”

“That’s… beside the point,” Herta grumbled, almost immediately deflating. She looked back towards the readings for a second before looking like she just remembered something, turning her attention back to Himeko. “Hey, is this one the same kind as that March 7th? If that were true… Can I bring her in for some research?”

“Wait, now you're bringing March in?” I asked, not understanding what Herta meant by ‘same as that one’.

“What,” Herta looked irritably perplexed at my question, gesturing towards me. “No, I'm talking about you.”

“Oh. It's them, actually,” I automatically corrected, surprising myself a little with how instinctive that had been. Logistically, I knew that I looked and sounded more feminine, but something about it irked me in a way I couldn’t describe.

“Whatever.” she waved her hand dismissively, not even sparing a glance towards me. “Can I bring THEM in for some research?”

Well, I guess it was something.

“That’s not up to me to decide,” Himeko told the smaller woman, dipping her head towards me briefly. “You can ask Nova yourself…”

I was a bit caught off guard as both women looked towards me, giving me attention that I was not at all prepared for. Himeko’s expression was mild but Herta’s gaze felt like she was trying to punish me for the audacity of being given a choice. Nervously shifting, I said, “I guess that depends on what you’re studying….”

“Studying you, of course.” Herta rolled her eyes. She pushed away from the console with the readings and walked up to the exam table while I eyed her warily. “Your body contains a Stellaron, which, in some sense, is no different than storing a bomb. Who knows what might happen? Maybe it’ll blow you to bits someday.”

“What the fuck?” I blinked at how casually she said it.

“You should be grateful that this genius is willing to help you out,” Herta continued haughtily like I said nothing, putting her hands on her hips. “I still have some interest now, but once that’s gone, I’m not studying you even if you beg me.”

I was even more appalled, startled by the woman’s actual audacity, exclaiming a bit louder, “What the fuck?!”

“I’m very interested now, so there’s almost nothing I won't accommodate,” she continued proudly like it wasn’t the biggest backhanded compliment ever. An almost excited smile touched her lips, even if it was small. “A Stellaron in your body, how interesting is that! Be grateful that I’m offering to help you out. This is a service even the IPC can’t buy.”

I just continued to stare at her. I knew she was blunt, but holy shit. She definitely made it seem like I was more of a lab rat than even a test subject, and I wasn’t sure how grateful I should be at being a lab rat, even if it was to a supposed ‘genius’.

“You understand now, Nova?” Himeko asked, catching my attention. I looked past Herta to the taller woman just behind her. “Herta wants you to stay in her space station.”

“Well, I’m going to have to modify your wording here,” Herta interrupted almost immediately before I could even give it a thought, let alone an answer. She gave me an unimpressed look as she looked at me, vastly different from the near excitement just before. My mind created the narrative that the excitement was from the prospect of experimentation and the disappointment was remembering I was an actual person. “This little twerp can only stay temporarily until the research is done. Or maybe I’ll lose interest halfway through and they can just beat it.”

“And after that?” Himeko asked. Her expression said that she already knew what the answer was and it didn’t shift when Herta replied.

“Not my problem,” the ‘genius’ shrugged. It really drove home what little care she actually had.

A million insults crowded into my mind as my blood boiled, my fingertips tingling a little as I opened and closed them a little. What I wouldn’t give to have that baseball bat again, then I could just give Herta a solid swing to the dome. It was a puppet anyways, and one of many. I wouldn’t actually be causing any damage.

“Nova…” Himeko’s voice cut into the fantasy I was thinking of, making me blink as I refocused onto the redhead. “You also have another option. The Astral Express. If you want, you can leave with us.”

“With you guys?” I asked, startled. 

“The Express has its fair share of experiences with Stellarons. The thing you’re worried about, and the answers we’re looking for are one and the same,” she replied, nodding towards me in solidarity. Looking down at the smaller woman, she added, “Besides, we can come back any time to let Herta conduct her research. She’s absolutely fascinated now.”

“Hm,” Herta hummed a bit in thought, not even needing a couple seconds before shrugging and declaring, “Works for me. Keeps this subject fresh, too. And that way I won’t need to keep worrying about this little twerp all the time. Perfect!”

I looked at the smaller woman in thinly veiled disgust and irritation at her far too pleased ‘Perfect!’, almost snarling quietly, “You are the most self-centered person I’ve had the displeasure of meeting so far.”

“You should meet the others of the Genius Society,” she shrugged dismissively again. “Some of them will trick you into thanking them after they milk you dry. At least I have my honesty going for me.”

“That’s all you have going for you,” I snapped, not liking how uncaring she was about her own unpleasantness. 

“Just remember to come back often,” Herta said, walking back to the console and reading through it some more. “Make an appointment in advance with Asta or Arlan so I can make time to study you.”

I bristled, once more returning to the urge to smack her upside the head with something. Even if it technically did no damage, I felt like it’d be delightfully cathartic.

“There’s no need to rush into this, Herta.” Himeko interrupted violent thoughts again, making me stop glaring at Herta when I noticed the redhead looking at me. “Asta’s in the master control zone. Let’s let Nova have a talk with Asta first and decide for themself. Nova, I’ll be waiting for you on the platform. It’s no hurry if you still have things to do or someone to see. Come find me when you’ve made your decision.”

“Oh, uh, okay,” I replied, suddenly feeling deflated at the thought of her not being here with me. It was cold and Herta was a bitch.

Himeko gave me a reassuring smile that didn’t quite stick the landing, but I gave her a grimace of a smile back and a wave as she left. I watched the white of her dress disappear from the lab, wondering how the hell she hadn’t been cold given how much bare skin she had while I was shivering fully covered. 

Thankfully, Herta didn’t even make any attempts of piss-poor conversation, focusing entirely on my readings and the microscope. I wished I knew how to read them myself so that I didn’t feel out of the loop with my own body.

After zoning out for a few minutes just trying to ignore how fucking cold it was, I realized that it’d been a bit since I’d heard the woman mutter under her breath. Blinking in confusion I looked over to where the pupper was, seeing that it was poised over the microscope like it was about to look but there was no movement.

“Uh… Herta,” I spoke up hesitantly, not wanting to get up and lose what little heat I’d conserved. But, there was no response. Frowning, I shouted, “Herta!”

Still nothing.

“Oh, wh-what the fuck,” I muttered to myself, forcing my limbs to uncurl. I slid off the exam table and walked up to the puppet, tapping its shoulder. And then I bonked it lightly on the head with the palm of my hand. When nothing happened I narrowed my eyes, my arm gearing up for a second before giving the Herta puppet a solid smack upside the head as hard as I could.

Honestly, hurt me more than I hurt her.

I hissed as my palm stung from the hit, the puppet barely jostled from its position. Probably a good thing since I remembered after the impulsive smack that it was right above a microscope that I didn’t doubt was extremely expensive. Still, whatever catharsis I achieved was undercut by feeling lost and confused.

My Beacon vibrated in my pocket and startled me, making me jump in surprise before I pulled it out with numb fingers to see who was messaging me. I didn’t know many people, so the list was rather short.

However, imagine my surprise when a number already under the name ‘Herta’ was the one that sent me a message. I hadn’t given her my number.

‘Come to my office quickly! I’m waiting!’ it read.

I stared at it for a second, squinting my eyes in confusion before glancing at the puppet beside me and typing, ‘? But you’re right next to me’

‘[Automatic reply] Hi, I’m currently unavailable, and I won’t be contacting you later’ was my response.

‘???’ my fingers sent out the confused triple question marks before I could stop myself, only further baffled by the brief text conversation. I also felt a bit of anger warming me from the inside at the thought that she just fucking essentially up and left without letting me know. How long ago did she swap puppets?! I could have been out of this stupid room sooner!

I waited a few minutes for a response but, true to the automatic reply, there was no further contact.

“Son of a fucking bitch,” I grumbled under my breath, shoving my Beacon back in my pocket and my hands under my armpits as I walked to the lab doors. Leaving the lab, I was immediately grateful to feel normal warmth. I didn’t realize how cold the lab was until stepping out felt like stepping into the path of a heating lamp.

I continued to mutter insults and general irritated remarks to myself as I figured out how to backtrack back to the master control zone. Which took longer than I would have liked since I wasn’t paying attention when I was led down here.

“What took you so long?” Herta asked as I finally trudged into her office. Didn’t look like an office, but I also didn’t care right now.

“I hate you,” I replied irritably, walking up to her on the entire other side of the room. At least I didn’t feel like I was going to get frostbite anymore, nothing but the barest of pins and needles in my fingertips as a reminder of Herta’s freezing lab. “How fucking long were you gone from your lab before texting me?”

“First off, I haven’t moved,” Herta said, as though that was the issue I was having with the situation. “I just connected to one of my remote-controlled puppets all over the station.”

“That feels unnecessary. Didn’t answer my question.”

“I am working on a big project with a few colleagues,” she supplied not-so-helpfully. I felt like it was the closest to an answer I was going to get right now. “If we succeed, it will answer the ultimate question that’s been puzzling us for thousands of Amber Eras: The truth about Aeons.”

I let out a heavy exhale at remembering she didn’t exactly care about me. Why would she let me know that she left the lab? “Uh, Aeons?”

“Aeons… think about it,” Herta replied, with a surprising amount of awe in her voice. It caught me off guard to hear. “What mystical existences! Some Aeons used to be ordinary humans like you and me, but somehow they managed to obtain power beyond our imagination! They are mysterious, powerful, silent and terrifying! It’s hard to explain all the mysteries surrounding them.”

“Uh huh,” I made a noncommittal noise of acknowledgement, really hoping I wasn’t about to get a whole rundown. 

“How were they created? Why were they created? What were they created for?” she rattled off rhetorical questions in a quickfire before asking me, “Nova, have you ever thought about these questions?”

“I, uhhh,” I struggled to think of a response. If I had thought of these questions, they belonged to a different version of myself. A version without Aeon-damned amnesia. “What does any of this have to do with me?”

“Well, indeed, it’s got nothing to do with you, but we need you,” Herta looked disappointed at my response and irritated on having to rely on me for something, sounding like a teacher trying to get their student to volunteer for something. “Give me some time, Nova, I’ll make this worthwhile for you too.”

“Yeah?” I asked hesitantly, sensing a ramble that I wouldn’t understand right around the corner. 

And I was right as Herta explained something called the Simulated Universe, a program she was in charge of that could supposedly help understand Aeons, the closest thing to ‘traditional Aeons’ or whatever. I only half paid attention because she rattled off a bunch of information before metaphorically throwing me into it.

It didn’t help that I was getting my ass handed to me. Simulated or not, it still fucking hurt when a beam from some Antimatter Legion orb hit me.

“Oh, come on,” Herta’s voice echoed in my skull from within the program. “How did you manage to take down the Doomsday Beast when you can’t even dodge correctly?”

“I didn’t fight before the Doomsday Beast,” I snapped, wincing when I pulled my hand away from the wound site. There wasn’t any blood given the world’s simulated nature, but it felt raw and painful. I yelped as I dodged another attack, rushing to get a hit in before I ended up hurt some more. “I was fucking TINY, remember?!”

I managed to hit the orb, retreating out of the way as a spear sunk into the simulated creature. It was still very disconcerting that she managed to simulate Dan Heng and March. Even though I barely knew them, it felt like a massive breach of.. Well, just someone’s existence.

“I guess it doesn't matter how much fighting you see, you need to experience it to get better,” Herta sighed in my mind. “You can only go up from rock bottom. Good news for you.”

I huffed, watching the simulation March take a shot at the orb and psyching myself up for another go at the thing. As I picked up speed and ran towards the orb, prepping the baseball bat in my hands, I cried out in surprise as everything sputtered out of existence with a shout of “Nova!” from Herta. Worst thing was, it was both in my head and out of it.

“Huh, wha-,” I blinked rapidly as Herta’s office came back into focus, disoriented and confused as I looked around. My stomach churned with renewed nausea, barely able to keep from gagging as I doubled over a bit. This was feeling like an unfortunate trend already.

“Nova!” Herta shouted beside me, making my head throb. I just got rid of that after waking up earlier.

“What, what?” I held a hand to my head, holding a hand towards Herta like it would stop whatever she was about to say. Thankfully, this disorientation and ache was already starting to fade.

“Sorry I pulled you out forcibly,” she said, not sounding sorry at all. Her tone was somewhat serious, surprising me. “I need you back down to my lab.”

“Again?” I groaned, not wanting to return to the freezing room. “Why?”

“Something fascinating happened to your blood sample,” she answered excitedly. Almost too excitedly, putting a hand against me and shoving me towards her office door. “I’ve already contacted Himeko and Asta. Whatever you decide to do, whoever takes you off my hands is going to have to deal with this.”

“Wha- deal with WHAT?” I asked, turning to face the puppet. But it was already offline. Angry at the weird back and forth I was having with the woman, I turned to leave the office and growled, “Of all the people in the fucking cosmos, I have to deal with HER.”

I could not understand why other researchers looked up to Herta, but I also wasn’t a researcher… I think.

Reluctantly I re-backtracked my way down to Herta’s private lab, taking a lot less time than it took to make it to her office since I had a vague memory of the route upstairs. Reaching the door of the private lab I paused in front of it, wondering how I was supposed to get inside without Herta’s credentials when the doors hissed open. 

“There you are!” Herta’s voice snapped from inside before the doors even fully opened.

Apparently I still wasn’t fast enough.

I huffed and bit back a retort, knowing it wasn’t going to bother the woman and just hugged my arms to myself as I forced my feet to unplant from the floor and take me into the freezing interior of the lab. It wasn’t hard to tell where Herta was, both Asta and Himeko standing next to the shorter woman. Irritably, I complained as I walked inside, “Does it have to be so fucking cold in here? I’m going to get frostbite by the end of the day.”

“I don’t deal with live subjects a lot and my puppets don’t have a need for much sensory input. We can figure something out for you later,” Herta said dismissively, continuing to work at one of the consoles without even glancing up at me.

“Goodie,” I waited a second for her to say anything about why she had been in a frenzy but she was very glued to whatever she was looking at.

“Hello, Nova,” Asta greeted with a smile. Unlike Himeko, who looked perfectly unphased by the temperature and was focused on Herta, she looked a little uncomfortable with her arms loosely crossed in front of her. I didn’t miss the way her eyes glanced over me, the first time seeing me since I was back to normal-sized. “It’s good to see you again.”

“Y-You too,” I replied conversationally, even though conversation was the last thing I wanted at this moment.

“Arlan said that you met Peppy,” she continued lightly, sounding entirely comfortable with small talk. There was a softness in her gaze as she spoke. “Peppy apparently has taken a liking to you. Arlan’s words, not mine.”

“Oh yeah?” I tried not to sound too incredulous considering I just met the little dog once for only a few seconds. Still, dogs usually were pretty friendly to almost everyone that gave them the time of day. Though I couldn’t tell if the soft expression was because she was talking about Arlan or her dog. I also didn’t care enough to decipher it, finding myself a bit jealous of the others that didn’t have their teeth chattering, unable to stop myself from saying, “Sorry, but h-how the HELL are neither of you freezing?”

“Oh!” Asta looked a bit surprised, like one of my first sentences walking in wasn’t bitching about the chill. An apologetic look crossed her face, replying, “I guess I’ve grown used to how cold the labs can be. It helps keep sample deterioration away.”

“The cold just never bothered me much,” was Himeko’s response as she straightened from looking over Herta’s shoulder. She had an almost guilty expression as she placed a gloved hand to her chest. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were cold when we were here earlier. Here, take my jacket.”

“N-No, it’s really not that big of a… okay,” I trailed off from protesting as my words fell on deaf ears, Himeko shrugging her jacket off her shoulders. Not that it was really being used but still. I sighed in resignation as the jacket was handed to me, telling her, “Thank you, ma’am.”

I didn’t bother slipping my arms into the jacket arms, wrapping it around myself like a blanket. Somehow, despite her not even wearing the thing, the fabric was warm from some lingering body heat and I couldn’t help but relax slightly as my body absorbed it. She had to be like a Aeon-damn furnace, no wonder she left so much skin bare! Sadly, the residual heat didn’t last long.

Less than pleased when the cold returned, albeit less severely with Himeko’s jacket, I glared at Herta’s back and asked, “Are we ever gonna find out why you summoned us here, ooor?...”

“Ugh, I almost forgot how needy most people are,” Herta groaned irritably at my trailed off sarcastic question. There were a couple more keystrokes on the console before the screen went black, multiple holographic screens appearing in the air around us instead as she turned around. “Lucky for you I just finished compiling things.”

“What THINGS?” I stressed, just wanting her to get to the point.

“Your data and results,” she said, turning to start messing with some of the holograms. I felt like she was being infuriatingly cryptic on purpose. She focused on one of the screens, making some gestures around the thing before it blew up to be the largest, the rest shrinking around it. The lights dimmed automatically to leave the screen the main focus in the room. “Here’s your base biometrics: heartrate, breathing, etcetera. All the basic stuff.”

“Okay,” I said slowly, just seeing numbers and lines. Glancing between Himeko and Asta, it looked like they were having no trouble understanding the holographic board.

“Everything falls within normal range, which wouldn’t be noteworthy if it weren’t for the fact that you’re harboring a Stellaron,” Herta continued, flicking through other floating screens. “Anyone would expect that would have some kind of physical toll on the body, but yours seems to function just fine. Even your electrical activity is pretty normal. But, look at these readings.”

She flicked another screen and that one replaced the other data. It was still squiggles, but now they were overlaid on top of each other. The only one I recognized was a heartbeat. Jeez, was mine really that fast?

“What’s this reading?” Himeko asked, reaching up to point to one of many. It started off nonexistent before spiking and staying at the top of the chart.

“That,” Herta sounded pleased at the question, making keystrokes on a smaller screen to isolate the reading Himeko pointed out. “Is meant to gauge Stellaron influence. Most people don’t do well being near a Stellaron, let alone touching it, so there’s been development in creating software to see how much a person has been affected by one. It didn’t even pick anything up until the electrode was in Nova’s hands, and then it just spiked everything.”

“Sooo, that just means there's not really an external way to tell I have a Stellaron?” I commented slowly, looking at Herta. I felt kind of weirded out by how intense the focus from everyone else was on this. “Does that change anything?”

“For you? Probably not. But for research it changes nothing and EVERYTHING,” Herta said, sounding almost giddy like a kid getting a gift. Thankfully she was already full tilt into explaining before I had to ask. “Stellarons have driven people insane by proximity, yet here you are seemingly physically and mentally unaffected by one in your body, leading to the question of how. Actually, wait, I can’t say ‘completely unaffected’ anymore.”

I gave her a concerned look in surprise as she started flipping through screens again. “HUH!?”

“What does that mean?” Asta asked beside me. Her voice was calm but I also noticed a bit of concern when I glanced at her, and I didn’t like that Himeko also looked a bit more serious.

“While I had the little twerp test a project, I almost lost the small blood sample I took-.”

“Wha- how do you lose a blood sample?” I asked, feeling a little alarmed.

“I DIDN’T,” Herta snapped, glancing at me with a glare before making another screen overshadow the others. “I said I almost did. Even then, it never left the slide.”

I held my tongue as she turned back to the screen, now showing what I assumed to be my blood under the microscope. Which was weird because it wasn’t even really red anymore, more like a cluster of weird shapes with a pink tint with a bit of yellow in some places that looked like tiny strands. Apparently, it was a video because suddenly everything started moving.

“The yellow electricity appears to be remnants of Stellaron energy. Even though it doesn’t seem to affect you functionally, it does seem to have an affect on your body still,” Herta narrated, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked up at the screen. 

“Why are some of the cells different?” Asta asked.

“Inconclusive right now. But you’ll notice something in a moment.” Herta replied, not taking her eyes away from the screen as she moved the video forward.

I squinted up at the screen, not really sure what Asta meant by different cells. I didn’t even know which ones were the normal ones. 

There was almost a quiver that went through the cells on screen, almost like the way water rippled when something was dropped into it. My brow furrowed, focusing on the screen in confusion as a few more convulsions went through the mass of cells, jolting and blinking in confusion when the strands of lingering Stellaron suddenly flashed and caused the screen to turn white. 

When the scope refocused it was almost like there was no evidence of the blood that had been on the slide, the frame of reference moving around until more cells appeared. Even though I didn’t know the difference of the cells I could tell that something was off.

“Only the abnormal cells remain,” Asta exclaimed in surprise.

“Correct. The why is the biggest question, but I managed to slow down right before the Stellaron remnants blinded the microscope,” Herta’s fingers swiped another screen, pulling up a sequence of pictures. In a frame by frame replay as the Stellaron strands flashed, it looked like certain cells - the abnormal ones I guessed - lurched towards the other cells and wrapped around them.

“Okay,” I shifted to rub my eyes in frustration. I hadn’t even been awake long, but this whole thing felt draining. Re-tightening the jacket around me I asked, “What the fuck does this mean?”

“It shows your cells cannibalizing each other,” Herta answered, turning around to face me and flicking the holographic screens away. She put her hands on her hips as the lights came back on in the lab, glancing around at Himeko and Asta before her gaze settled on me. “Somehow, it seems like the lingering effects of the Stellaron triggered the abnormal cells to exterminate the others. To what purpose, I don’t know yet. But, it took the cell count down to almost .02 percent of the initial sample in less than a second.”

I stared at Herta in a bit of disbelief, an almost solemn silence falling on the room from the others after her statement. She looked a little taken aback by the silence, looking between all of us.

“Oh, come on, don’t get so serious on me now. It sounds a lot worse than it actually is,” she said, pausing and tilting her head a bit in thought. “Probably.”

“Not helping,” Himeko crossed her arms over her chest, seeming to get slightly frustrated with the other woman.

“Look. The twerp was found in my collection room, tiny but unharmed and perfectly able to function. They lasted potentially hours in this state before being found by the Astral Express crew,” Herta stated matter-of-factly, putting a hand to her chin in thought. “I can’t say anything for certain, but if I had to make a hypothesis right now I’d say that the abnormal cells are the ones they woke up with. How they were modified in the first place is a question for another day.

“But, that means that if your cells cannibalize themselves, it’s very likely that you’ll return to the same size you were found,” she looked directly at me.

Well that… was incredibly disappointing to hear. I also couldn’t help but zero in on a particular part of her sentence, instinctively repeating, “‘Very likely’? What’s the other options?”

“Well, there’s a chance that the modified cells are random and your body collapses on itself without the necessary cells to sustain itself, but I’d say the likelihood of that happening is less than one percent. I’d need a variety of samples to tell if only your blood cells are abnormal or otherwise. There’s also the chance that what happened to the blood sample isn’t going to happen to you at all since I still don’t know what caused it yet. Either way, I’d like to be able to monitor you for at least a few days.

“Which is why I called you two here,” Herta turned to the other two women while I mulled over a bunch of the information that was dumped on us. Like with everything else so far, it just kind of swirled in my mind.

“Oh?” Asta made a noise of surprise and curiosity.

“One of you is taking the twerp off my hands when I’m not monitoring them, and I don’t really care who,” Herta stated in her normal rude and blunt way, making me give her a disgruntled glance as she continued. “I took up their time and kept them from being able to talk to Asta about this whole thing, so now you all can figure it out and get them out of my hair for today.”

“Wait, I have to get this taken care of NOW?” I asked, a bit alarmed. I was kind of hoping there’d be some sort of lead in to figuring this out.

“I want to look over your biometrics again and you keep complaining about the temperature, so yes.”

I found myself appalled again by Herta’s dismissiveness. Everytime I thought that I had experienced the worst of it, I ended up unpleasantly surprised. Before my mind could decide between being pissed off or overwhelmed I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up at Himeko.

“How about we talk about this outside the lab? That way you’re at least out of the cold,” she suggested with a smile.

“Alright,” I huffed, glancing between Himeko and Asta, who nodded in approval at Himeko. I didn’t pay attention to the farewells both women gave Herta as I walked to the lab doors, only giving a lackluster goodbye to her myself. Herta didn’t acknowledge any of us.

That didn’t deter the others and I didn’t care enough to feel more insulted than I already had a couple times today. I just felt relieved when we left the lab and stepped into the comparatively hot hallway, shuddering as I felt my body temperature increase again. I let out a sigh of relief, not even realizing how tense I’d been to try and conserve body heat until my muscles uncoiled. I unwrapped Himeko’s jacket from around myself and held it out to her. “Thanks again.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, taking her jacket back. “Happy to help.”

“So, are we supposed to be discussing your stay while Herta’s helping?” Asta asked, seemingly a bit confused. To be fair, Herta kind of was just shoving me to be the other two womens problem without any consideration.

“Uh, I think it’s more like figuring out who’s issue I’m going to end up being,” I replied, feeling kind of awkward and rubbing the back of my neck. I sort of had no current connections to anyone or anything aside from the few people I’d met so far and I didn’t like having to rely on people I barely knew. Neither of them really had a reason to help me out and I didn’t want to force myself to bother them.

“It’s really not an issue,” Asta reassured me. “Despite everything, I’m sure I can figure something out to allow you a place to stay here on the space station until we can find out more about your past.”

“I’m sure you have your hands full with the aftermath of the Antimatter Legion attack,” Himeko told her. She didn’t sound condescending, just musing aloud even as Asta’s brows furrowed slightly. “I don’t doubt your abilities, but I’m certain that ensuring the space station receives repairs and all the researchers are accounted for take priority over looking into Nova’s background.

“The offer to join the Express still stands,” she looked down at me. “Like I said earlier, we have experience with Stellarons and traveling can help expand our search into your past.”

“Yeah, but didn’t you guys just show up to drop something off,” I asked with a frown, feeling like I was inconveniencing either way I leaned.

“We did,” Himeko nodded in agreement, crossing her arms in front of herself loosely. “But the Astral Express is about helping those in need as well and every one of us joined at different times with no connections to each other. We’re more of a ragtag group.”

I mulled it over for several seconds, still feeling very much on the spot and wishing I had more time to process everything and think this through. But I wasn’t given that luxury and ended up sighing in resignation, asking, “Are you sure it’s fine even with me needing to stick around for a few days?”

“I’m sure,” Himeko gave me an encouraging smile. “We’ll have to run it by the rest of the crew and Pom-Pom, of course, but I’m sure the others will be understanding given your situation.”

I nodded in acknowledgement at her words, shifting a bit on my feet as I said, “Then I’d like to take you up on your offer.”

“Excellent,” the redhead looked satisfied with my decision. “If you want, we can go to the Express right now or you can meet me there in a little bit.”

“I’d like to walk around a bit first,” I told her, rubbing the back of my neck.

Himeko nodded, asking, “How does thirty minutes to the rail platform sound?”

“Sounds fine to me.”

“Glad that’s taken care of,” Asta said. I was worried that she may take offense to me not staying on the space station but she just looked glad that something was figured out. “You’ll be in good hands. The Astral Express is very reliable, I still can’t thank you enough for your help against the Legion.”

The last sentence was directed to Himeko, who gracefully waved off the compliment, replying, “Nonsense. We weren’t going to just stand by.”

I had a feeling that the two were about to delve into their own conversation or a gratitude-humble stand-off, clearing my throat quietly and gesturing down the hall towards the elevator. “I’m gonna get going.”

“See you at the rail platform.”

“See ya,” I gave a wave to both Himeko and Asta as I walked off, letting out a heavy exhale when I walked through the halls and got into the elevator. I didn’t even know where I was going to go for the next thirty minutes, but I just felt like I needed SOME kind of time to myself.

Which ended up being kind of difficult when researchers and security personnel were almost everywhere I walked around. I eventually ended up just wandering around to explore and pass the time, ending up turned away at some point by security personnel from some blocked off hallway. But, that was fine since I figured I’d have to try and find my way to the rail platform. It took a bit longer than I meant it to, feeling a bit sheepish as I walked into the massive room, able to see the train from the entryway.

I made a beeline to the redheaded figure standing next to it, saying, “Sorry. I didn’t realize how long it’d take to find my way back here.”

“Well, it probably looked a lot different to you last time you were here,” Himeko looked unbothered by my tardiness. I wasn’t even sure when exactly the meetup time was in relation to leaving Herta’s lab, but it felt like I was definitely late. “I already talked with the rest of the Astral Express crew and explained your situation.”

“Yeah?” I said cautiously, not wanting to get my hopes up too high.

“Relax,” she chuckled a little at my wariness. Coupled with her small smile, I couldn’t help but untense a little. “Welcome to the crew, Nova.”

I was relieved, releasing a breath that I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. I wasn’t really sure what I would have done if I had been turned away other than maybe going back to Asta and seeing if she’d be able to help. Seeing my relief, Himeko let out a small hum and turned around, walking along the side of the Express.

“Come with me.”

I didn’t hesitate to trail after her, looking up at the metallic side of the train to take in the gray exterior. Moving past the initial engine, the rest of the nearby cars looked like they had windows, seeing bright lights lining the ceiling on the interior. Soon, I was led to a set of onboarding steps at the train door.

The door let out a small hiss of changing air pressure before it slid open as Himeko started stepping onto the onboarding steps, and I felt a slight hesitance before following her into the train. The slice of train that I supposed would be considered the entryway was a bit thin but allowed enough room on either side to make it feel like I could almost extend my arms out entirely. In comparison, the length to the other side of the slice was a decent size and there were doors on either side of the entryway. 

The space probably would have felt more oppressive if it wasn’t so brightly lit, gold trim and accents glinting in the light.

“I’ll take you to the Parlor Car first,” she said, starting to walk to the door on our left, the sound of her high heels echoing slightly against the metal walls. Reaching the door and placing her hand on the handle to slide it open, she gave me a small amused smile and added, “Our conductor wants to see you themself.”

“Okay,” I felt a bit confused at her amusement but once more followed her through the door when she opened it. And I couldn’t help but blink in surprise when we stepped into a surprisingly large lounge area. I knew the train was big considering we’d just been walking along its length outside but it was still another thing to see how large the interior was and I had the feeling that trains this large were uncommon. Then again, it was meant to travel through space.

“Ahem.”

“Gah!” I jolted in surprise at the sudden sound of someone that was definitely not Himeko clearing their voice, glancing around in confusion when I didn’t see anyone else. Himeko lifted a hand to her mouth like she was trying to stop from laughing, only furthering my bewilderment.

“I’m over here,” a voice said, lower than I realized. Looking down I saw a… creature in a conductor's outfit, looking reminiscent of a rabbit stuffed animal.

“Uuuuh,” I glanced at Himeko as I wondered whether or not I was hallucinating but she looked unphased. In fact, she started walking to one of the large lounge couches where a man, Welt if I remembered right, was sitting before I could try to protest.

“Hey, you there looking dumbfounded,” the rabbit-esque creature snapped lightly, recapturing my attention and making me look back down at it. Its eyes looked angry, but it was hard to tell whether or not that was just its natural expression. “Yes, Pom-Pom’s talking to you. Himeko told Pom-Pom about your situation and how you’re the reason we’re going to be spending longer than we should here.

“Now listen up,” this Pom-Pom demanded, stomping their small feet on the floor. “Pom-Pom will only say this once. Pom-Pom’s sure there have been lots of people telling you how special you are lately, but this is the Astral Express, and everyone on here has their secrets. Since you chose to board, you can abide by the rules. You’re not the only special one here. You’d best remember that.”

“Uhhh, okay,” I said slowly. I don’t really think I’d been called special necessarily, more abnormal, and now I was being preemptively berated by a rabbit creature about a potential ego.

“I’m Pom-Pom, the conductor. Just come and find me if you have any trouble,” Pom-Pom finished, tone less harsh than it’d just been. About as suddenly as the creature demanded my attention it turned and walked off, seemingly satisfied with its introduction of me.

Meanwhile, I was left reeling slightly from the last couple days. 

Actually, I wasn’t even sure how long I’d been knocked out, this could all be the same day I was found. Regardless, it was just one more confusing thing on top of my entire confusing situation. Shaking my head a bit to try and clear it, I looked around the lounge again, wandering slowly to where Himeko and Welt were at one of the lounge couches, uncertain of what to do. Himeko noticed my approach first.

“Don’t mind Pom-Pom’s antics,” Himeko said, amusement still on her face. “They’re actually pretty interested in you. It’s just that we haven’t had new passengers on the Express for a long while. If you have any questions, feel free to ask our conductor. But, what do you think? Does the Astral Express look the same as you imagined?”

“Well… it looks like a train. Just a lot bigger,” I answered, looking around the large parlor car some more.

“Everyone on the Express is a passenger,” Himeko mused lightly. “We’re all heading towards an unknown destination, like we are traveling together. Maybe that’s why the Trailblaze chose such a look.”

“Uh huh.” I made a noncommittal noise, feeling like I didn’t know enough to have an opinion on the decor of the train. My gaze eventually landed on the man beside Himeko. Part of me felt wary but I tried to be polite, stating, “You must be Welt.”

“I am,” the man nodded. I couldn’t help but glance him over, connecting him to the vague shaped man I saw after the Doomsday Beast showed up. A cane rested against his leg. “How do you feel?”

“I’m… fine,” I settled on the answer after a moment of thought.

“Your uncertainty is understandable,” Welt said. “Your situation is a unique one. In any case, I have to thank you for saving March.”

“I kind of did it without thinking,” I replied sheepishly, rubbing the back of my neck. Somehow it earned a chuckle from the man.

“Helping others without a second thought. That is the most important quality of a hero,” he seemed to feel like what I did was something brave instead of my thought of it being an impulsive lapse in judgment. But his expression turned slightly stern. “However, as long as the Stellaron is still in your body, you should be careful what you do. I don’t know if Himeko and I can suppress it again. But I won’t bore you any longer. So much happened at the space station, you must be tired.”

“Oh right,” Himeko spoke up again, seemingly just content with watching the conversation. “March and Dan Heng should both be in their rooms right now if you want to find them. The first passenger car is through the other door you saw when getting on the train.”

“Feel free to walk around and familiarize yourself with the environment,” Welt added, giving an encouraging nod.

I definitely felt like I was being pushed to explore around, but it also seemed like both of them were just trying to make me feel comfortable. They were so accommodating that it was sort of having the opposite effect but I nodded and said, “Okay. I’ll look around then.”

“Don’t forget to ask Pom-Pom any questions if you have any,” Himeko reminded me as I turned to leave the two alone.

I gave a wave of acknowledgement and told her “I won’t.”, walking across the Parlor Car to the door she’d brought me in from and sliding the door open. I closed it behind me and went through the small entryway to step into the next car.

It was a semi-open space with the vibes of a waiting room as a chair sat in the corner on my left with a couple counters, a hallway entrance on my right with the rest of the space taken up by a wall. Absentmindedly moving to the right it looked like the railcar was the same size as the Parlor Car, rooms were just fit to the left side of the car to take up most of the space.

I glanced out the window as I slowly started walking down the hall, looking out at the rail platform the Express was still stationed at. It was still pretty empty, but now there were a couple people near the entryway, likely researchers or security discussing stuff.

“Hm? Who’s there?” someone suddenly called out from the door behind me, making me jump in surprise.

“Uh, it’s Nova,” I answered, confused but felt my heartbeat settle after skipping a beat. I hadn’t even knocked or said anything, how the hell did Dan Heng hear me?

“... Oh, it’s you. The door’s not locked. Come in.”

“Oh, uhhhh, okay,” I said hesitantly. I hadn’t really expected to encroach on anyone’s rooms, but I also couldn’t say that I wasn’t curious about them. Walking up to the door, my hand barely grazed it before it slid open to allow me entry, revealing the initial sight of a space themed backwall with a slightly lifted glowing blue floor that stepped down to the gray flooring closer to the door. The sound of humming electronics became more noticeable than before.

I didn’t immediately see Dan Heng, leaning in and looking around to see him standing to the left of the door. Making eye contact with him as he turned around, I gave a cautious wave and stepped inside.

“Can I help you,” he asked. While he was blunt, he was at least better than Herta, sounding deadpan rather than annoyed.

“No, just, you know, looking around,” I replied, gesturing vaguely as I glanced around the rest of the room. It was definitely an odd shape with walls that slanted inward.

“Feel free. This is open to everyone on the Express.” 

Oh, so this must be another communal area, I thought to myself. 

I looked around a bit with slightly more interest, gesturing around and asking, “What goes on in here, then?”

Dan Heng looked back at the screen he must have been looking at before I walked in, remarking, “While many of the roads that Akivili traveled along no longer exist, I think it’s still meaningful to record our adventures as current passengers of the Express. I enter the collected data into the archives data bank. I try to catalog the people and places the Express encounters, and compare and contrast them with the existing records. 

“Do you see the terminal over there?” He gestured to the section with the raised blue floor, where there were a couple monitors that I could see. “It can be used to view information already stored in the data bank. Do give it a go.”

“Oh, okay,” I blinked in surprise. I didn’t really feel like stuffing my brain with more information than I already had with everyone’s explanations, but I also didn’t want to just refuse or stand there while Dan Heng was looking at me expectantly. I could just step up, mess with the terminal a bit, and then feign interest to hopefully placate him.

As I walked up the step or two onto the elevated portion of the floor, something on the floor caught my eye and I looked down to see a thin mattress with a singular blanket and pillow, both a similar seafoam green that Dan Heng had on his clothing.

“Wait, is this your room?” I looked back toward the man, who had almost turned back to look at the monitor in the wall in front of him.

“Yes, it is. Is that a problem?” Dan Heng asked, brow furrowing slightly in confusion.

“Well, no, I guess not,” I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly, feeling awkward at my own surprise. “Just… caught me off guard, I guess? I don’t know, feels like I’m intruding on your privacy now.”

“You're not trespassing, I encouraged it. Everyone usually stays out of the Archives anyways,” he shook his head at some internal thought, adding, “Himeko and Welt are far more experienced than I, and hold a wealth of knowledge between themselves, so they rarely need to look anything up. March, on the other hand… she’s not really one to seek out knowledge often.”

“Ah…”

“Ahem.”

A vaguely familiar sounding throat clear caught my attention, both Dan Heng and I looking back towards the doorway to see Pom-Pom standing in the entryway. I hadn’t even heard the faint hiss of the door opening.

Having successfully grabbed my attention as my gaze met the conductors, Pom-Pom declared, “Your accommodations have been prepared.”

The conductor waited barely a moment before turning around and walking left from Dan Heng’s doorway as they added, “Please, follow me.”

“Uuuh,” I glanced back at Dan Heng but he simply gave me a nod to encourage me to follow, and I slowly trailed out of the room after the rabbit creature. “Uh, coming, Pom-Pom.”

I followed Pom-Pom as they walked further down the hall, passing three other doors on the left after Dan Heng’s room and a couple small tables with single red lounge chairs. Led to the back of the passenger cabin, I stopped when the conductor stopped beside the door at the end to look up at me.

“Through here,” Pom-Pom stated as they opened the door and walked through the thin connecting passage between this cabin and the next. 

All I could really do was follow along into a cabin nearly identical to the last, almost yelping when I nearly ran over the conductor when they halted beside the first door on the left in this passenger cabin and I backpedaled a couple steps as they turned around.

“If you end up needing it, this is where the restroom is located for the nearest cabins. There’s more further down, but you don’t really need to worry about those since you’ll likely never use them. The door next to this one leads to a room that’s been converted into a supply room,” Pom-Pom gestured to each door as they spoke, eventually pointing their arm - paw? - to the doors further down the hall. “Your room is going to be the third one down, got it?”

Third door on the second cabin. Seemed simple enough.

“Got it,” I repeated back to the rabbit with a nod.

“Good,” Pom-Pom nodded back in satisfaction, looking away as they started walking to the aforementioned third door with me right behind. When they reached it they touched the door and opened it, once more stopping and turning to face me. “I’ve prepared your room with the essentials.You’re more than welcome to and will have plenty of time to fit it to your personal tastes.”

I peered into the room as the conductor spoke, taking in the rather barebones looking room. There was a full-size mattress on a basic bed frame with a black comforter and dark gray sheets, a basic nightstand beside the bed, and what looked like a desk built into the wall with a basic chair.

“Thank you,” I looked down at Pom-Pom with a small smile.

“Welcome to the Astral Express,” the conductor nodded, seeming satisfied despite the naturally angry expression. “I’ll leave you to get settled.”

Pom-Pom turned and walked back down the hall, and I watched for a moment before stepping into the room and closing the door behind me now that I was left to my own devices.

“What a day,” I huffed to myself, leaning against the door tiredly. “Or days… ugh, whatever.”

Questioning the timeline of my own existence could wait until later. For now, all I wanted to do was lay in bed for at least a few minutes, shrugging my jacket off and throwing it onto the wall desk as I walked towards the bed. I flopped facefirst onto the comforter. I didn’t mean to fall asleep but, as I mustered the energy to crawl up to the pillows, the last thing I remembered was my head hitting the dark gray fabric of one of the pillows.

………………………………..

“THAT’S all you’re collecting after all that?!” March exclaimed breathlessly, sounding appalled to my left.

Meanwhile, I glared off at nothing in particular to my right with my foot tapping impatiently on the metallic floor, covering my mouth with my right hand and biting my tongue. I felt more than saw the needle in my arm slide out, fighting against the bile at the back of my throat and some lightheadedness. I’d immediately retract my arm if it wasn’t still held in place by Dan Heng.

The only bright side was that the room wasn’t as cold today, though it was still cold enough for me to shiver and for me to feel a bit of the heat from Dan Heng’s hold against my skin.

“Two vials is plenty,” Herta said nonchalantly with the sound of some clinking and the weird, disconcerting feeling of the tourniquet being released from my upper arm. “You’d be surprised how little blood is needed for most tests, but two is in case the blood cell count suddenly diminishes again…. Actually, I might need more, but I can always have you all come back. Oh, right. You can let them go now.”

Spurred on by the statement of retrieving more blood I practically leapt out of the medical seat the second I felt Dan Heng’s hands wordlessly release from my left wrist and shoulder.

“Sounds like you better make the most of what you have then,” I snapped, holding my left arm to myself like it would protect my vulnerable inner elbow and snatching my glove from where it’d been discarded on the medical tray. I debated putting it back on now but my hands felt unstable even though they didn’t show it. I ignored it for the moment, crossing my arms over my chest and asking irritably, “If there’s nothing else, I’m going to assume I can just leave you to your tests, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re free to go,” Herta waved a hand dismissively, walking over to some kind of device on the nearest counter and putting the blood vials inside. “I’ll let you know if I need you for more testing.”

“Great.” I didn't look back as I weaved between the counters of scientific equipment and made a beeline to the door, rushing out from the laboratory. Once the doors slid shut behind me I shook off both the chill from the room and remaining jitters I had from getting my blood drawn, hissing, “Really fucking hate being used as a guinea pig right now.”

“I wouldn't call it being used as a guinea pig,” March's voice said behind me, making me look back to see her and Dan Heng walk through the sliding doors out of the laboratory. “Blood tests are a common practice. Besides, it's only your second day on the space station.”

“Has Herta asked YOU to go into her weird Simulated Universe thing?” I asked March with a glare. She just glanced at Dan Heng in confusion. “That's what I thought.

“Regardless, I never want to do that again,” I huffed sharply through my nose, finally putting my left glove back on. I flexed my fingers and crossed my arms, silent for a few seconds before awkwardly adding, “Sorry… for. You know… bothering you guys with this. And… sorry for biting you.”

I glanced over at Dan Heng, specifically at his ungloved hand where I had chomped down on the skin and saw the still visible bite mark. From what I recalled, he hadn't even flinched when I bit him.

“You're fine,” Dan Heng replied neutrally, shaking his head when I turned my gaze up at him. “I've handled far worse.”

“Hey! What about me?” March exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips. “You didn't make contact, but you still tried biting me!”

“I'm sorry for trying to bite you,” I said sincerely, but couldn't help the slight amusement I felt and chuckled a bit. I inhaled deeply and let out a hefty sigh to clear myself of nerves, this time a sigh of relief as I put my hands in my pockets. “At least we hopefully don’t have to go through that whole ordeal again anytime soon.”

An increasingly familiar ding caught my attention and I blinked in a bit of surprise before realizing the sound came from my pocket. Fingers wrapping around my Beacon device, I pulled it out and opened it to see I had a message from Herta that I clicked on.

‘Come back. I need more blood samples.’

My heart plummeted in my chest as I stared down at the words, feeling a nauseating feeling of dread that settled in the pit of my stomach.

“What’s wrong,” March asked, breaking through the dreaded stare that I was giving my beacon.

“Oh, it’s, ahem, nothing,” I cleared my throat to try and not have my voice stick, looking up as I moved to put my Beacon back in my pocket. Whatever lie I was preparing to potentially come up with died as I caught Dan Heng’s gaze. Despite how unreadable and stoic his expression was naturally, something in the slight intensity told me that he saw the message.

I didn’t hesitate to try and bolt down the hall away from the duo and the laboratory.

………………………………..

I cried out in pain as a blade plunged through my chest, staring at the inky void where a face would be as the Reaver hissed in my face, the edges of my vision turning to static as I ‘died’. 

“You know, this would be a lot easier if you didn’t insist on going through alone.”

I huffed in a bit of exertion and irritation as my eyes focused back in Herta’s office, looking to my left where she gazed at me disapprovingly. Feeling bile and nausea from the simulated death, I raised a hand to my chest and rubbed at the fading phantom pain with a scowl. “Aren’t you supposed to be running more tests on all the blood samples I gave you yesterday?”

“Unfortunately for both of us, I’m still waiting on results,” Herta replied, unphased by my attitude like usual. “So I decided to check on your progress in the Simulated Universe. Why aren’t you using the simulated teammates?”

“Because it feels weird that you have simulated versions of a bunch of people, including people I’ve met,” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Feels creepy at best, and unethical at worst.”

“If I wanted to hear lectures about ethics I wouldn’t have made an entire space station to be in charge of. Innovation shouldn't stop based on what normal people think. But, if you want to make the simulation harder on yourself go ahead,” Herta shrugged slightly. “As long as I get data, I don't care.”

I could feel my distaste for her deepen as I stepped back toward the simulation, hesitantly saying slowly, “Right…”

As I reached back towards the simulation portal and felt the staticky pull of the simulation start to encompass my mind Herta exclaimed beside me. I jerked away from the sensation, the near joining of my consciousness into the simulation being snapped off exacerbating the lingering discomfort from my ‘death’.

“What, what happened,” I asked Herta in startled concern. I wasn’t even sure if the noise she made was bad or not.

She didn’t react, eyes wide and staring at nothing. Lifeless. Yet, despite any animatedness missing from it, something about the expression on the puppets face told me that something had certainly caught Herta’s attention.

“Hello? Herta?” I waved a hand in front of the doll's face even though I didn’t expect any response. And I didn’t receive any. Still, for good measure I flicked the puppet on the forehead just in case and threw my head back with an annoyed groan at the lack of reactions. “Oh, for the love of-!”

Growling in irritation, I pushed aside my current discomfort and reached into my pocket, pulling out my Beacon. Getting to my brief message history with Herta I texted snarkily, ‘Is it terminal, doc? How long do I have to live?’

‘[Automatic reply] Hi, I’m currently unavailable, and I won’t be contacting you later’

Yeah, that tracks.

“If you can hear me, I want to reiterate that you’ve been the most frustrating part of my existence so far,” I told the empty puppet and flipped it off. “I’ll be horribly impressed if I end up finding someone more insufferable.”

The puppet did nothing and I didn’t feel like jumping right back into the simulation with the residual dizziness from ‘dying’ and cutting off the connection with the simulation portal so quickly. Not to mention the throbbing in my temples from it.

I decided to spend a little while looking through my Beacon to wait for the discomfort to fade as though something would have changed on it today. Like any other time looking through it the last few days it offered no clues about myself or my past. No pictures, no videos, files, or even apps that could give an inkling on who I was or any occupation I may have had.

It was a bare Beacon.

Decades of my life was gone or missing, if I’d even had an existence before being found. I felt slightly bothered by it but not nearly as much as I felt like I should be. Perhaps someone else would feel more alarmed or concerned about finding the answers but I just felt a little lost.

I suppose I couldn’t really miss what I didn’t remember. All I had was a hell of a few days with a whirlwind of emotions, though it did feel like something nagged at me if I tried VERY hard to remember anything.

Did I meet a researcher or something named ‘Kafka’ or was I making someone up after being introduced to so many people?

Eventually, the dizziness and nausea passed. Stretching and giving a glance towards the unmoving puppet I pocketed my Beacon, rolling my shoulders a little to get rid of some tension as I walked back to the simulation portal. “Let’s try this again.”

………………………………..

“Nova!” a cheerful exclamation and the sound of my room door opening jolted me awake.

“Gah!” I bolted half upright and threw something towards the source of the voice in surprise, hearing a clatter and startled ‘Hey, watch it!’ in response. My bleary eyes focused to see March at my open door, glancing between a fading cloud of shard-like light and myself. I exhaled in relief, rubbing a hand over my face tiredly as my body relaxed. “It's just you.”

“Yeah, it's me! Did you really have to throw things at me?!” The pink-haired woman asked, stomping a foot in indignation.

“Did you have to burst into my room while I'm sleeping,” I retorted with a slight rasp from sleep, pulling my hand away from my face and slowly pushing myself up to a sitting position. “What'd I throw at you, anyways?”

“A bat! I don't even know where you got it from, but it just exploded by my head,” March declared, gesturing to the wall next to her.

“Wha- I don't have a bat.”

I looked at March with confusion, glancing around like the aforementioned bat would show back up again. March, on the other hand, looked less than amused at my remark.

“Well, you just had one,” she said, putting her hands on her hips. “And you threw it at me! All because I came to get you so that Pom-Pom wouldn't be upset by TWO people on the Express forgetting to eat!”

“I think it's more because you burst into my room,” I shifted to throw my legs over the side of the bed and stretched my arms over my head. Standing up, I walked over to where my jacket hung on the back of the desk chair I had, pulling it over myself to complete my outfit again. I hadn't really focused on getting pajamas. “And unless I see this bat, I don't believe you.”

“It was real,” March continued to insist as I slipped into my boots and started walking towards the door. She stepped to the side and let me pass her out into the hall before walking out herself. 

“Mhmm.” I just made an unconvinced noise as we walked side by side down the hall towards the parlor car, putting my hands in my pockets.

“Wait!” I jumped a bit when the woman exclaimed, looking at her in my peripherals. She looked like an epiphany had washed over her, commenting, “Maybe it's just something you can summon, like me with my Six-Phased Ice!”

“Six-Phased Ice,” I repeated, taking a hand out of my pocket to open the door to the next passenger cabin. I waited for March to step through first and closed the door behind both of us before we walked further down. “Y’all have mentioned it before, I think, but there's been so much going on it's hard to keep track of everything.”

“That's fair,” March nodded beside me, any previous irritation gone. “When I first got found it took me a while to adjust too. Sometimes I still struggle to understand everything. But, yeah, I can summon these crystals for my bow and arrows!”

“Didn’t you… Didn’t you JUST call it ‘ice’?...” My brow furrowed for a second, glancing at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, but that’s just what it’s called. I mean, ice can’t be that beautiful!”

“Sure,” I said slowly. I almost lost myself in potentially trying to think about the logistics before I decided that I didn’t really care. Maybe later down the line I’d worry about what her Six-Phased Ice actually was, but as long as she wasn’t bothered by it and it was harmless I didn’t see a reason digging into it. Besides, I was still tired from just being woken up. “Whatever you say, man.”

“Anywaaaaay, if you want, I can maybe help teach you how to summon that bat-thing back that you threw at me,” March suggested happily, giving me a slightly cheeky look when she added, “As long as you promise not to throw them at me again.”

 “I don't see why not.” I shrugged, part of me still not believing her despite vaguely remembering throwing something. I gave her a small mischievous smile. “IF there’s even bats to summon.”

“Wha- you still don’t believe me?!”

“Look, man, I just woke up and saw you look at some sparkles disappearing in my room. For all I know, you just decided you wanted to glitter bomb it,” I slowed my pace to open the passage to the parlor car for us to walk through. “And you best hope that whole bat thing is true, because if I have to end up cleaning up any glitter, I swear to-.”

“There you are!” 

The sudden irritated exclamation as March and I walked into the Parlor Car caught me off guard, making me yelp and jump in surprise. Looking to the source of the voice was Pom-Pom, who looked none too pleased.

“And here I thought I was going to have to worry about your eating habits as well,” the conductor sighed.

Glancing towards March, she shrugged at my reaction, remarking, “Pom-Pom worries about the passengers on the Express. Dan Heng’s gotten this lecture before.”

“Wha-lecture?”

“I may not be able to make you do anything, but I can always impart the wisdom of a seasoned conductor,” Pom-Pom declared. “I’ve dealt with all kinds of passengers, but all of you think that you’re too busy to take care of yourselves! Well, I’m here to tell you otherwise.”

“Have fun! I’m gonna go eat,” March said happily, giving me a chipper wave as she left me to my fate at the paws of the conductor.

“Now-,” Pom-Pom straightened their posture slightly, gearing up to continue.

I groaned under my breath like a slightly dejected animal. I wished I was still asleep.

………………………………..

“Nova, are you paying attention?” Herta snapped, making me shake my head to clear away the mental fog that had settled.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” I replied, nodding even as I had to blink to get rid of the glazed look in my eyes. When she continued to stare at me and I felt Himeko's gaze as well I nervously added, “You were talking about the concept of cellular multiplication or… something…”

“That was two minutes ago,” the scientist looked unamused with my response and sighed. “I was discussing the abnormalities in your samples and the results from the tests I've gotten back from my associates-.”

“Wait, you gave samples of my blood to other people?” I jolted in surprise. I mean, sure, she had wanted several more vials - Dan Heng had made quick work catching up to me - but I thought it had been because of my cells cannibalizing or whatever.

“If you were listening, you'd have known that. As great as my space station and I are, you’re still an anomaly. It's just proper scientific practice to do multiple tests with multiple scientists,” Herta sounded genuine about complimenting herself, making me roll my eyes. “Besides, if I tried to do all the tests myself with the station so damaged it would have taken longer.”

I made a slight disgruntled noise and resettled on the counter where I’d hopped up when Herta had announced that she was going to go through everything. There was a sudden warmth over my hand and I looked over to see Himeko pat my hand encouragingly. Sighing to lessen the irritation I felt, I gave Himeko a slight nod as Herta started to continue.

Just a little bit longer. Hopefully.

It was a struggle to stay focused on what Herta was talking about, showing more diagrams and graphs with more microscopic pictures of my cells, and using WAY too many lengthy words I had no context of. Himeko seemed to be following along decently though, so I figured I'd ask her any questions later.

I found myself zoning out almost entirely fairly quickly, catching myself and shaking myself back into awareness.

“- here’s what one example looks like,” Herta’s voice droned as she flicked through the floating screens before her, projecting another video of my cells. It was still weird to look at.

I watched with disinterest as the cells moved slowly beneath the microscope, yellow strands of Stellaron energy arcing across the screen. After a second of nothing a quiver went through the cells and the Stellaron arcs flared up. But instead of the scope being blinded and cells disappearing, the yellow streaks dissipated and left a… rather unremarkable finish to the video with cells remaining.

“Oh.” Himeko hummed beside me.

I slowly turned my head to look at her, wondering what she could possibly have gleaned from the footage. “Huh?”

“Don’t worry,” Herta interrupted, sifting through more files. “I have an example for those with a lack of perception.”

Bristling, I narrowed my eyes as she seemed to select something and an image projected in place of the video. It seemed like a snapshot from the start of the video saturated with color. Stellaron arcs were portrayed in an even more blinding yellow with my cells colored an actual blood red. Well, most of them. A few scattered throughout the screen were discolored with a purple hue and yellow overlays on amorphous shapes within them.

Were those shapes always there?

“This is a depiction of your blood, highlighting the difference between the normal cells and the abnormal ones.”

“Okay, yeah,” I sighed. I was ignorant about this kind of thing, but I wasn’t that dumb to not put that together. Giving Herta an unimpressed look, I added, “But what was the whole example of? The Stellaron stuff flashed, but the cells didn’t cannibalize like last time. Was the whole point showing that it can be stopped?”

“Yes and no,” the smaller woman tapped the small floating screen in front of her, scrolling through more comparison images of my cells so fast I couldn’t even register them. “In trying to see what makes you tick in these early stages, we’ve found that forcibly removing any lingering Stellaron energy invalidates whatever trigger seems to happen in the abnormal cells. However, doing so also kills the abnormal cells.”

“Wouldn’t that be… good?” I asked, frowning.

“Not when we still have no idea how to safely remove the Stellaron from your body,” Himeko commented, grabbing my attention. She held a hand under her chin thoughtfully. “Even if the Stellaron was somehow externally contained, there’s still no telling what kind of adverse effects it could have on your body other than losing the abnormal cells.”

I made an uncertain noise, frown turning into a slight scowl when Herta spoke up.

“She’s right,” Herta remarked, lights brightening as she flicked the floating screens away. “As much as I’d love to just dive into all sorts of other experiments, you’re one of a kind right now and I can’t afford to make too hasty of a decision.I can’t risk losing my only test subject before I lose interest.”

“Right… guess that makes sense…” I grumbled, still not at all pleased with her phrasing.

“That being said, you don’t mind if I take a few more different samples, do you?”

“... Can I say no?...”

………………………………..

I felt a rush of air leave my lungs a bit as the staff of the spear knocked into my chest firmly, not enough to cause more than a brief moment of pain but enough to knock me off balance and find myself falling back onto the thinly padded floor. Again. I looked up at the bright, metal ceiling and growled a bit in frustration, grabbing the offered hand that lowered towards me.

“Shouldn’t you be taking it easy?” Arlan asked from the edge of the sparring mat, watching Dan Heng pull me to my feet. 

Again.

“Probably,” I replied, huffing a little as my feet planted on the ground and Dan Heng let go. I felt tired, arguably fatigued, but it was probably from dealing with Herta so much. This was the first day since being found that Herta hadn’t asked me for tests, dragged me into some discussion of results, or made me use the Simulated Universe. It made me feel antsy. “I can’t learn to defend myself if I don’t practice.”

“The only thing you’re learning is how to get your butt kicked,” March chirped from where she stood near Arlan, shaking out another polaroid of my failures. She kneeled down with a grin to show the little white dog, Peppy, that followed Arlan around.

“I will not hesitate to use the bat YOU helped me learn to manifest and knock you over the head,” I retorted, focusing energy down to my fingertips to materialize said bat to shake at her lightly in half-hearted threat.

“Haven't you been using Madame Herta’s simulation to train,” Arlan inquired, glancing around like he's occasionally been doing this entire time. Like the Antimatter Legion would care about a slightly damaged training room over anything else if they came back.

“Yeah, but there's always the chance that Herta pulls me out, and that feels AWFUL,” I stuck my tongue out in distaste, even though I felt sort of off today anyways. Maybe I didn't eat or sleep right, but it didn't really matter. “There's not really anything else I can think of doing right now. I'm the reason we're here until Herta gives me the go ahead to leave. Makes me feel stuck”

That, and I still got my ass handed to me in the simulation anyways, so may as well try it out in real life. Turns out, the Simulated Universe didn’t really have all the ways my chest ached from sparring, whether it be the slightly tender spots where Dan Heng had used his spear to knock me down, the way my breathing was a bit rougher from panting in exertion, or the slight stitch in my side.

“Perhaps we should stop for now.” Dan Heng stated, giving me a brief glance that didn’t even feel like he was actually looking at me. It didn’t even seem like he broke a sweat from this whole thing.

“Aw, what?” I looked at him in slight disappointment even though a part of me was thankful at the thought of stopping. Still, stubbornness set in. “We haven’t even been here that long and Arlan even gave us access to the damaged zone to use the training rooms. Wouldn’t it just be a waste of time to not keep going at least a little longer?”

“Wouldn’t it also be a waste of time to continue when you’ve made almost no improvement?”

He said it in such a natural way that I knew he didn’t mean anything by the comment, stating an observation, but it was also spoken in such a way that I couldn’t help but blink a bit in surprise. 

“Dan Heng! You can’t just say that,” March chastised from the sidelines out of my field of vision. “What have I said about being more approachable?! APPROACHABLE.”

I let out a small scoffed laugh, quiet for a moment as I nodded slightly in acknowledgment of his question. I found myself a bit irritated and chagrined by it, but did my best to temper it as I crossed my arms over my chest as much as I could with the baseball bat in hand. Shrugging a bit, I remarked, “Maybe I would have actually gotten a bit better if you were better at giving ANY feedback.”

Dan Heng’s expression shifted ever so slightly, the only indication that it felt like he took my words in with how neutral his face naturally was.

“Just saying ‘be more vigilant’ or ‘aware of your opponent’ is some of the vaguest shit. Like, how, man? Not to mention, I’m barely able to stay on my feet for more than thirty seconds to even learn on my own with you knocking me over so quickly. Also, you were the one to tell me that training takes time at the start of this-,” I uncrossed my arms to gesture at him indignantly with the bat. “-so I don’t know what sort of rush has you in a, uh, uh… a-a tizzy.”

“‘Tizzy’?” Dan Heng’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“I… It was the first word that popped into my head, alright?” Exhaling in exasperation, I reached up and pinched the bridge of my nose briefly before looking back up at the man. “Look, just one more go. With a bit of a set of different rules. Instead of going until you almost immediately knock me down, how about we spend like… ten-ish more minutes on general sparring, or until I tap out. Maybe hold back a little since I'm obviously not experienced like you. Then we can all go about our day, yeah?”

Dan Heng just stared at me for a couple seconds, expression unreadable as his gaze flicked over me but I just continued to stare back expectantly. Either he'd say yes, or no. And eventually, his eyes closed in resignation as he sighed, “Fine. One last match.”

“Fuck yeah!” I exclaimed, doing a small fist-pump in triumph.

“Don’t forget, LAST ONE,” Dan Heng repeated sternly, catching me off guard a little bit, especially with the way his eyes narrowed slightly.

“Uh, yeah, man. Last one, that's.. Fine,” I said, a bit confused. After all, that had been part of the agreement, but maybe he thought that I'd ask for another round afterwards anyways? “No more after, cross my heart or hope to die.”

I made an X over my chest with my free hand, hoping to potentially placate the odd, serious man. 

“... It's ‘and hope to die’,” Dan Heng stated bluntly after a couple seconds, stern glare dissipating. Without another word, he turned around to walk several feet to where he's been starting the few sparring matches we've had.

Blinking in surprise, my mouth opened and closed a couple times, not even sure what to think after the interaction. I ended up just shaking my head to clear my thoughts and looked over to Arlan. “You cool with counting down, Arlan?”

The other man nodded and replied, “Yup. Let me know when you're ready.”

“You got it.”

After taking up my own position on the sparring mat, Arlan gave a countdown like every other time to start the match. And, before I registered Arlan reaching the end of the count, the last sparring match had begun.

Almost immediately I felt like I probably should have taken Dan Heng's suggestion of stopping before this. Given how fast he had been knocking me down before, I didn't even realize how taxing surviving a minute was going to be, let alone supposedly ten. Now, instead of finding my leg swept out from underneath me or the hilt of his spear pushing me to the ground to end the sparring match, I was instead finding that I was now expected to roll out of the way of a secondary hit towards me when I was knocked down.

And he was definitely missing on purpose.

“Focus on rolling your torso aside first,” Dan Heng didn’t sound winded at all as he twirled his spear in his hand again before aiming to jab at my heart, something I barely pulled back out of range from after getting back to my feet. “Protecting your vital organs is priority.”

Oh, NOW he was giving advice. It was less vague than being told to be vigilant, at least.

“Th-Thanks,” I barely thought to grunt out the small acknowledgement, trying to focus on just mitigating being knocked around some more. More advice was sparsely given in between my attempts to dodge and block the man’s spear hilt, able to stop a couple impacts with a metallic clang everytime the wood struck against my bat.

How long had it even been since we started? How was there still more to go?!

I could feel myself slowing as the minutes dragged on, pausing to let out a heavy exhale and turning to face Dan Heng only to see him missing from where I’d last glimpsed him. A jolt went through me and something like a shudder went through my spine, urging me to face the threat behind me.

I strained against the force of his spear as I barely reacted in time to spin and block a strike downward from the man with my bat, an uncharacteristic shower of sparks from it from the impact as my arms shook a bit from exertion.

There was an odd twinge in my chest as I let out a labored exhale glaring stubbornly up at Dan Heng’s calm gaze.

“You can’t use your strength to move from the block,” he stated. “You need to try and use dexterity.”

My gaze flicked down to the bat barely keeping Dan Heng's staff at bay as it seemed to wobble slightly in my vision, wondering if it was a trick of the light. I shifted a foot to test my footing and gauge if I could try and roll away, but from the way my stance twisted slightly at the small movement, I didn’t think that I’d be able to ‘use my dexterity’ like he was telling me. I could sense him barringhis strength while mine faltered. 

Otherwise, my bat would have been wrenched from my grasp.

Spite welled up within me and an almost electrical sensation built up in my chest before I could register it, eyes widening at the weird feeling. But, when the surprise jolted through me it stopped like a candle suddenly snuffed out with more sparks appearing along my arms.

As another pang went through my chest and I felt an additional strain that threatened to temper my already labored breathing, arcs crackled along the bat and my fingertips, with the man's gaze following mine as both of us watched the bat flicker in my hold. 

I was barely able to duck out of the way when it distorted in and out of existence, stumbling back as Dan Heng’s spear jerked down in the split second my bat faded just enough to no longer block the hilt properly, the man himself caught off guard from the lack of resistance.

“Uh, Nova?” March asked, right about the same time Arlan asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I think I'm fine,” I replied automatically, even as I looked at the unstable bat in my hand with a bit of concern. My other hand came up to my chest absentmindedly.

“Are you sure?” Dan Heng straightened from where his momentum had caused him to overstep slightly. His eyes glanced me up and down yet I knew he wasn't taking in my appearance. It felt like he was looking through me, again.

“Probably just, overstraining myself or something. No big deal,” I stated dismissively despite the bit of lightheadedness and continued strain in my chest. I dissipated the bat with the thought process that doing so would maybe help my energy, but it ended up backfiring slightly as it felt quite the opposite, like I'd just released a small wave of energy that caused the dizziness to increase momentarily. “Wouugh, or not?”

My vision swirled a bit and everything suddenly sounded too muffled, barely registering the others saying something as… pressure or something welled within me. I opened my mouth to maybe suggest sitting down a little, but I don’t think I managed to say anything before my vision completely blurred and faded to dark.

It felt like I came back to almost immediately,  but something was definitely wrong as I struggled to regain my awareness, even if it was difficult to focus on anything past the loud voices near me. I had to keep my eyes shut against the bright light when I opened them.

“-sn’t supposed to happen, was it?!” March’s panicked  voice asked somewhere above as I groaned and sat up on the mildly pliable sparring mat with a  hand against my head. 

The sparring mat that twitched beneath me as I did so, making my eyes snap open in surprise and confusion. The sparring mat had been a rather neutral brown color to clash with the metallic spaceship interior, not a pale, flesh color with shallow crevices.

“Heh?!” my spine straightened almost painfully quick as a jolt of slight panic went through me to look around at everything. With Arlan and March leaning over Dan Heng’s palm while he also looked down at me, I couldn’t really see much past them. Not that I needed to. “Wha-?! What happened?!”

Dan Heng glanced up at the others as Arlan opened his mouth to speak, but March beat either of them to the punch.

“You didn’t look very well when you got rid of your bat and kind of swayed on your feet, and before we knew it there was a big flash of light,” March exclaimed, making me wince at how loud her voice was. I half-cupped a hand over my ear and ignored it as she continued. “I thought you had just vanished, but Dan Heng lunged forward to catch something, and it ended up being YOU! You came back pretty much immediately after that.”

Well, better than potentially dying to my cells cannibalizing or whatever. Still, a lot to process and I’d gotten used to a far larger size anyways.

“Are you feeling alright,” Arlan asked with some concern. “We should find one of the medical staff.”

“No,” I interrupted and shook my head, placing a hand against it when another wave of lightheadedness caused my vision to swim. I ignored the way the other three stared at me with a bit of surprise, waving my other hand and adding, “No, we should try getting a hold of Herta or something. Maybe go to her lab?...”

A shudder went down my spine at thinking of the cold lab and cold demeanor of the ‘Genius’, but she was the only one I could think of that could potentially figure out a way to fix this. On instinct, my hand went to my pocket where my Beacon usually was, and to my surprise it had shrunk with me. Any questions on the logistics could be asked to Herta later, but for now it was figuring out what to do now.

“Woah, your Beacon stayed with you?” March sounded surprised like I had been when I pulled it out. Arlan looked like he was halfway through pulling out his communicator.

“I guess so,” I opened my Beacon and went to message Herta, typing, ‘Herta, just shrunk in the sparring room. With Express Crew and Arlan.’

‘[Automatic reply] Hi, I’m currently unavailable, and I won’t be contacting you later’

I’m fucking killing her.

“Ugh,” I growled under my breath and shook my head. Pocketing my Beacon once more, I angrily snapped, “Of course she didn’t answer.”

“We’ll go to her lab then,” Dan Heng stated, making me yelp as he stood up from his knelt position on the sparring mat. With a quick spin he reattached his spear onto his back with a grace and ease that had me sticking my tongue out at the unintentional show-off. “Hopefully she’ll see your message.”

“We can only hope she CARES enough to see my message.”

I just thanked whatever Aeons were out there that I hadn’t somehow shrunk while on my own, I could only imagine how long the trek back to the lab would take, and that wasn’t even taking into account potentially being stepped on or how other personnel would react to a small being just running around on the ground. With the trio escorting me, it only took about half an hour like it usually did to walk from the Express to the lab, though Arlan had to leave for some security thing halfway to Herta’s lab. Something about misconduct.

Still, the lab’s doors opened with no difficulty, unlocked like the times I’d gone in before. It was mildly unexpected considering we didn’t know where the scientist was.

“THERE you are!”

Nevermind, we knew where she was.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” March asked as we entered, voicing my own confusion.

“I received the message that the twerp had shrunk almost half a system hour ago,” Herta snapped from a puppet near the closest science table. Still, her irritation was pushed aside somewhat with a cold excitement. “Now, where are they?”

“Why were you expecting us here if you didn’t answer my message,” I asked, shivering in the colder laboratory air. It only accentuated the warmth from Dan Heng’s palm beneath me in an almost unnerving awareness.

“Where else were you going to go? The lab is the most obvious answer,” the woman replied, walking over towards us. Since I’d spoken, her gaze immediately dropped to where I was sitting in Dan Heng’s palm. “Oh, wow, look at you. You really are small! At least your body didn’t cannibalize itself unevenly, and you didn’t end up exploding on my ship.”

I was worried that given her callous nature, Herta would have attempted grabbing me from where I was, but thankfully she just stood at the unnerving perfect height with Dan Heng's hand to stare at me with a calculative gaze. I didn't particularly like it. “No shit. I'd like to go back to normal.”

“You can fix this, right,” March looked at Dan Heng with concern but he just gave a small shrug and a ‘We’ll see.’.

“This IS their normal,” Herta stated indignantly and put a hand on her hip. Sounding borderline offended, she added, “And yes, I can ‘ fix this’. Luckily for you, I’ve been working on cleaning up the space station anyways so this is the perfect time to test my hypothesis.”

The short woman turned around on her heel and started walking to the back of the lab where a new glass chamber sat near the vats in the corner. Obviously she expected the other two to follow, and in turn, me. I glanced up to see Dan Heng and March exchange a glance before doing so.

“What correlation is there to cleaning the space station and Nova’s situation,” Dan Heng asked with slight curiosity. Thank Aeons, cause I was about to irritably ask the same thing.

“Simple,” Herta stopped next to the glass chamber and started tinkering with a panel next to it. Several flexible tubes led to the glass chamber from the shadows and walls. “While the why’s and how’s of their physiology are still unknown, there’s one thing that I can say with a high certainty.”

There was a beep from the panel and a hissing noise as the glass chamber door opened with a pressurized sound. The woman turned around and gestured to me. “You said that you didn’t become ‘normal-sized’ until the Doomsday Beast showed up, right?”

“Uh, yeah?...”

“Well, the Doomsday Beast radiates enough antimatter that it messes with the stations instruments just by being in the vicinity, let alone practically getting INTO the station,” Herta stated, starting to pull up a holographic screen in front of her and sifting through files until she pulled up staticky footage of the rail platform with the Doomsday Beast and the Express Crew fighting it. She zoomed into an area that felt inconsequential until I saw my own figure running along the floor. “As the Astral Crew fought the Doomsday Beast, your body slowly grew in size until you just charged in front of the blast meant for March.

“I’m almost certain that somehow the Stellaron and your abnormal cells metabolized the antimatter into a sort of food source for- Are you even paying attention?!”

I jolted a bit in surprise as Herta snapped at me, feeling my face flush slightly as the other two also looked at me with the remark. Rubbing the back of my neck sheepishly, I replied, “I mean, I’m trying, it’s just… a lot.”

Herta glared at me with a frustrated frown, eventually sighing and motioning to the glass chamber impatiently. “Antimatter is what makes you bigger. I need to make some synthetic formula’s for you before you can leave the station, but because we need to rid the space station of lingering antimatter anyways for our equipment, I’ve been able to store all of it in specialized containers. You just need to be in the glass chamber and I’ll release the compressed antimatter inside.”

“Didn’t you say that it was just a hypothesis,” March asked, looking hesitant like she was the one being tasked to go in the glass chamber.

“We need to test a hypothesis to know whether or not it’s accurate.” The other woman shrugged. “The chamber’s covered in sensors that will collect data, so even if it doesn’t work it’ll help them.”

“Still…” March frowned, glancing down at me to my surprise. “Are you gonna do it?”

“Well, I mean… it’s either try it or be stuck like this for who knows how long,” I replied. “I can’t exactly argue with the evidence she has.”

“As long as you’re certain about it…”

Dan Heng didn’t question my resolve, stepping into the chamber briefly to allow me to slide off of his palm, but as he retracted his hand and stood back up he told me, “We’ll get you out if something goes wrong.”

Well, I hadn’t really been thinking that things were going to go wrong but now I was questioning things if Dan Heng was making that statement. “Uh, I will.”

He nodded and stepped back out of the chamber to rejoin an anxious looking March.

The glass doors hissed as they shut, leaving me in the glass chamber that was massive to me. I think if I was my larger size and the doors shut I would have felt claustrophobic despite the clear walls.

“Starting antimatter compression,” Herta’s voice sounded over a speaker somewhere within the chamber. Her voice echoed uncannily as more hissing started to sound. I wondered if the chamber was soundproof given the presence of the speaker but the thought quickly left my mind as I felt the odd feeling inside my chest again.

Looking around inquisitively where the tubes led into the chamber I squinted a little at what I thought was discolored air. I thought it was perhaps a trick of the light until after a few seconds I noticed that the air was definitely discolored, a sort of purple-ish blue that had flecks of gold flitting around, similar to how the Antimatter Legion dissolved when the space station was being attacked. I suppose the appearance would make sense.

I placed a hand against my chest as it felt like maybe the Stellaron within me pulsed, able to SEE the way the discolored cloud slowly filling up the chamber floated down to me, as if there was an air current pushing it on me.

“Oough, still a weird feeling,” I muttered to myself as the pulsing spread to my fingertips, able to see past the antimatter haze that I was starting to get taller again. Outside, I saw March make some sort of exclamation to Dan Heng, looking pleasantly surprised while Dan Heng had a curious and calculative expression. It didn’t give me the creeps like Herta’s did though, so I didn’t really care as he responded back.

I gradually felt better and more energetic as more antimatter filled the chamber, only absentmindedly paying attention to the way Dan Heng and Herta started some sort of discussion outside as I glanced myself over the larger I got. All the aches and pains from the sparring also slowly faded, making me feel a sort of relief as I seemed to reach my full height after a few minutes.

I think, at least. At this point, the antimatter in the chamber was so dense that the dark, glittery cloud inside acted almost as a smokescreen to see the outside. Summoning a spark didn’t really help, just making the cloud seem brighter than it was.

Still, I wasn’t very concerned, dissipating the spark and waiting to eventually be let out.

Herta said this thing was covered in sensors and while I still didn’t know the Astral Express crew very well, I trusted that they at least wouldn’t sit back if something ended up wrong. But, nothing bad was going to happen. I was just in my head a bit because of what Dan Heng had said before the doors closed. It definitely wasn’t a little concerning that it felt like I was in here too long if the goal was just to get me back to a more normal size. The others probably just couldn’t see me very well like I couldn’t see them well.

Surely the pressure I was feeling in my chest was just a figment of my overactive imagination, right?

The Stellaron in my chest pulsed again, but this time my breath hitched in my throat a bit as discomfort spread through my ribs. Placing a hand on my chest I tried to shake off the growing sensation, reaching for the nearest glass wall in the murk and rapping a knuckle on it. 

“I think we’re good,” I called out, just hearing my own voice echo back to me. I doubled over slightly as another pulse built the pressure inside myself again, gasping at the almost painful sensation. My mind went directly to before I blacked out with the Doomsday Beast, feeling a surge of worry for the other two and the ship. “You can stop the chamber!”

Still no response, my vision spotting slightly as my chest pulsed again, this time sending a wave of pain through myself. 

This wasn’t near instantaneous like getting struck by the Doomsday Beast. This was a slow build-up that I struggled to contain, leaving me gasping as gold streaks started arching from my skin. I tried to keep a hand pressed to my chest like that would keep the golden flares inside, nervously fearing that the same thing on the rail platform would happen. Why wasn’t Herta stopping this?!

I struggled to concentrate, summoning the bat back into the hand not pressing against my chest. All I knew was that I had to break the glass before I ended up like a bomb again.

“T-Turn it off!” I shouted, trying to focus all the excess energy down into the bat as a conduit, as far away from my core as possible. Reeling my arm back, I struck the glass as hard as I could, unable to hear anything past the blood rushing in my ears. What I saw though was the end of the bat exploding into a burst of light and energy that didn’t seem to affect the glass through the haze. I vaguely saw the shapes outside moving though.

I hit the glass again, feeling the slightest bit of pressure release from the bat’s explosion, though I was left panting from the pain and exertion. Releasing the energy was good, but this wasn’t nearly enough to stop the buildup welling up inside me. How can I get rid of it quicker?!

Alongside the pressure inside of me I felt the almost electrical sensation from the sparring earlier. I almost tried to suppress it but something stopped me. Maybe if I leaned into it it would somehow help? It was similar to the pressure but distinctly different.

What did I have to lose?

I tried to take a steadying breath and closed my eyes to try and focus on the electrical sensation, brow furrowing in almost pain but I could feel the action somehow transferring some of the energy from the pressure spot in my chest to the electric sensation. I forced it to build, uncertain of what would even happen as it just felt like another thing about to burst out of me. Before I could try and backtrack it, conduct the energy elsewhere, the sensation burst like a firecracker.

Crying out in both pain and exertion, my eyes squeezed shut as it felt like a flare exploded from my body outwards. But, it seemed to work for the pressure, no longer feeling like I was going to burst at this moment. 

If the antimatter continued though, I wasn’t certain I could pull off another flare up.

I tried to open my eyes and step forward, but my vision swam and legs buckled beneath me, feeling the antimatter slowly continue being absorbed. Blacking out, I only had the thought of guilt for blowing up the ship. Except I was pulled back from a dark haze as someone shook my shoulder, groaning for a second before gasping and jolting up in panic, thinking that I had to expend more energy.

“Calm down,” Dan Heng’s voice said, catching me off guard as my vision focused. He eyed my arms warily and I noticed gold streaks arcing from them in my panic.

“What happened?” I asked, forcing myself to calm down and placing a hand against my head. “I thought I was going to explode. Again.”

“Madame Herta refused to turn off the chamber, that’s what happened!” March answered angrily, catching me off guard. I think she was the angriest I’d heard or seen her be as I looked up past Dan Heng’s shoulder and saw March hovering at the glass chamber entrance while giving Herta death glares. “She only stopped because Dan Heng threatened to spear through the panel!”

“No, I only stopped because I knew that the twerp had reached their limit,” Herta replied calmly out of view, voice sounding from behind where the panel stood. “That, and they broke my chamber.”

“What? No I didn’t,” I said groggily, looking around at the glass. The glass that had stood up to two swings from my bat. But, I was a bit startled to see that there were cracked fissures along the sides now that hadn’t been there before.

“That’s worse,” March told the shorter woman as Herta stepped out from behind the panel. “You can’t just go around doing that. What’s the point of it anyways, aside from being needlessly cruel?!”

“Would you calm down? If I knew you were going to be this upset about it, I would have sent you two outside of the lab before starting the experiment,” Herta sighed in exasperation, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Bring them over to the examination table.”

“Experiment?” Dan Heng’s voice was displeased, but he helped me to my feet easily. I thanked him and gently waved off his offer to help me walk to the examination table.

“Yes, experiment,” Herta replied chipperly as I begrudgingly walked over to the cold examination table, though I didn’t get on it just yet. This seemed to annoy her, making her roll her eyes. “I knew you weren’t going to be happy with me, but it was the perfect time to take care of multiple tests.”

I frowned at the woman tiredly, narrowing my eyes. I really hated how she didn’t get to the point sometimes. “Elaborate.”

“Yeesh, so impatient. Well, firstly, it of course allowed me to test the hypothesis of your body actually using antimatter for cellular fuel,” she sounded proud of herself for this ‘experiment’, continuing with a pleased tone like she was just talking about the weather, “Secondly, it allowed me to test what sort of dosage you need to both get to the larger size AND what threshold your body has before the amount of antimatter overstimulates the Stellaron, giving me an accurate range to give you in antimatter contamination per square inch in gaseous form. Of course, I’ll be converting it to liquids since it’d be hard for you to drag an entire chamber everywhere.

“And finally, it allowed me to test a synthetic antimatter that I’ve been working on since before the whole Antimatter Legion attack,” Herta finished. “It seemed like the perfect opportunity to see if it functioned like the real stuff if your body uses antimatter.”

She stood by the exam table seemingly waiting for praise, but I don’t think any of us had fully processed all the information. Dan Heng was the first to break the silence.

“Synthetic antimatter?”

Herta went from proud to annoyed, responding in exasperation, “Duh. How else do you think I’d have enough to return them back to human-size? There wasn’t nearly enough lingering antimatter to simulate the Doomsday Beast’s Antimatter Engine.”

I blinked at the woman dully, grumbling, “Have I told you how much I hate you sometimes?”

“Yes, but I get you results while you give me a fascinating mystery. Now get on the exam table.”

………………………………..

“Thank Aeons we’re getting out of here,” I let out an exhale as the train pulled out of the rail platform. After two more days of prodding from Herta, the amount of relief I felt when she gave me a case of vials and said that I was good to leave the station for now. Well, it almost had me giving a holler of joy.

“Don’t be rude,” Himeko said lightly, walking up beside me as I watched the space station turn to the stars outside the window. Looking up at her, she wasn’t actually reprimanding me and actually looked glad on my behalf. “She’s just eccentric.”

“Well, now she can be eccentric away from me,” I stated, earning a chuckle from the other woman. Tilting my head, I asked, “Where are we going again?”

“Well, once we’re far enough from the space station, we’re going to check on a planet called Jarilo-VI,” she replied. Giving me a small smile, she suggested, “Why don’t you go sit down? Warping takes some getting used to.”

Looking behind her where the others were conversing on the other side of the lounge, I nodded and said, “I’ll go do that. Thanks, Himeko.”

[astrum99]

Of course I have to write something with the new lore drop on Gabriel's pronouns:') Anyways: sets around the 3-2 epilogue.

----------

It was unfair. It was absolutely unfair.

He had done his assignments to perfection for millennia, for eons. Slayed enemies by the orders of the Father, the council. He tore away the seat of the judge within hell and sat there for as long as he was told to. He spilled blood without thinking, because he trusted them to make the right call, because how can God be wrong? How can the council be wrong?

He knelt in front of them. Body low and curled. Head drooped like his wings. Shame and pain stewed and bloomed from his first fail, due to an abomination of a machine that defies all odds. He needed to warn the council and purge the machine once more with some additional helping hands.

Yes, he needed their support now more than ever, but they were not sparing him a single glance. They looked away as if it were them that were hurt. He couldn’t get a single word in before the tremendous voices of the council overwhelmed him. The repulsion in their voice wormed its way into his veins and turned to ice. It pinned him to the cold marble flooring. Not a single explanation was given a place. He can’t get a word in before they cut him off. How can they judge without letting the defendant speak?

He was injured, he was bleeding. His wounds were open, pulsing, still burning badly from the piercing of the relentless gunfire. Yet here he was, kneeling and grovelling like a creature, a husk. The council spared him no mercy, no sympathy. No offers for healing or rest. Only utter disgust and resentment. “Heresy,” their voice echoed, louder and louder.

They stripped him of his rank, of his pride. They called him it. As if he was nothing more than a young, bumbling virtue. His work, his devotion, his absolute loyalty – they acknowledged none of his offerings, his sacrifices. They refused to listen. Instead, the light was cruelly ripped out of him.

For a brief second, he was not sure if the scream was coming from his bleeding throat (it was). The next second came the crashing pain: in his delirious state, he was uncertain if he’d been disembowelled and eviscerated in the process (technically, his organs were physically fine, but the light was rooted in every cell of his, and the extrication was... far from gentle).

He woke with a hollow feeling in hell. He supposed they had tossed him there to save the trip. Alone. Isolated. Still hurt. How unfair to make him go on like this.

At that moment, a part of him realized that he did not matter to them. They did not love him. They only loved his work, his devotion, his loyalty. Like a dog. He shook himself and refrained. He could not possibly entertain the thought if he wished to go on. He was given an opportunity to prove himself, and he must rise once more to earn back their respect (because it was the only thing he knew). So if he cannot fill the emptiness from the light with love, he supposes hatred will do just fine.

He gazed upward and absolutely did not think about how he found more comfort in the familiar darkness of hell than the cold marbled floors of heaven.

He had work to do.

[saltsicklover]

Bloody Knuckles - Fan Mail Pt. 7

Title: Bloody Knuckles - Fan Mail Pt. 7

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3925

Rating: T

Warnings: Swearing, blood, anger. Steve Rogers being the absolute worst. Angsty as hell, honestly. Let me know if I missed anything.

I am so sorry in advance.  

-- To be continued. I hope you enjoy! Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list :) --

Disclaimer: I do not own Bucky Barnes, or anything related to Marvel within this piece. Not Proof Read or BETA'd. All mistakes are my own.

I do not consent for my work to be edited, reposted, or translated.

You are responsible for your own media consumption. This is a work of fiction that may contain mature themes. If you are sensitive to those subjects, please do not read.

Ace is ready to take on the world, at least that's what she tells herself, heading out of the apartment, ready for a long awaited day off, but the letters she found stacked in her mailbox give her pause. It's been a few days since she checked her mail, the wanting to hear from Bucky swollen in her chest but the exhaustion from work kept her walking past her mailbox. Three envelopes sit in a stack, each with the return address to Avengers Tower, each baring a unique date and name, the handwriting impossibly different from one another. 

She flips through them, first ripping open the letter she knows came from Bucky. Her heart flutters a bit as she unfolds the bright yellow paper. She reads over the words, taking in each swoop and curve of the delicate letters. The way Bucky poured his entire heart into his words manages to bruise hers a little but the idea that he thinks she may not be real, a con, a flat out lie absolutely breaks her. 

Tears rim her eyes, blurring the lines of the letter. She runs her fingers over the end script, her fingertips tingling, "With too much hope and heartache". The line eats at her heart straight through her ribcage, lungs constricting with uncertain pressure. A small wheeze escapes her lips, morphing into a bit of a moan, the sound soaked in a new sort of pain she hasn't felt before. 

Ace has felt enough pain for a lifetime- enough fear to drown in and somehow she has stayed afloat. But this letter from Bucky threatens every feeling she has ever swallowed. 

This is nothing like the feeling of betrayal that she came to know after she found out her blood family once served Hydra. It's not the feeling that of broken grief she processed after their death, or the hurt that came from each new form of abuse they threw her way. It's nothing like the way her stomach swam as she poured her heart out to her therapist, or the way her limbs went numb when she sent that first letter. 

This is heartache. For both of them. 

How could he ever think that she wasn't real; her most sincere self poured into each letter she sent him. The way she took time to collect and curate things to send Bucky, just so he could actually get the chance to know her, and he still manages to think that maybe she isn't real. 

How could she not be real?

But the way he begs to know her twists her thoughts like vines. The way the letters swoop cut into her like knives. There is an inkling of desperation that seems to drown her, the words constricting all of the air from her lungs. They burn- both the words and her lungs, in equal measure. 

He must know that she is real, he has to. You don't beg that way for someone you consider a threat, a tease, or a game. Hell, you don't beg at all. The way Bucky has poured his soul out is no where near begging or pleading.

That's the way one yearns. 

Too much hope and too much heartache- too much, far too much. 

That thought hits her like a ton of bricks, knocking what little breath she has flat out of her chest in a strangled wheeze. Ace is caught somewhere between hurt and pure reverence. Bucky cares for her in kind, the way she does with him, the notion, the understanding, now settling deep within her bones as she drags a ragged breath into her lungs. 

Ace shoves the paper back into the envelope, her movements a bit too harsh, crinkles and folds making new purchase on the page. Ace shoves it to the back of the pile, ripping open the next one. Little bits of paper fall from the torn edges, discarded on the floor as a single tear slips down her cheek; her world spinning around her as the tear marks down her face, her strength wavering.  Ace unfolds the paper, a singular piece of lined notebook paper, a couple of short paragraphs scribbled down in black ink. 

"Dear Ace, Dude, I am writing to tell you two things. Yes, I know I could have texted you, but what's the fun of that? First off, you should've seen Buck and Steve. They were at each others throats while also being as far apart as possible. 

They were definitely fighting over you, but I got it all taken care of. Steve somehow got it into Bucky's head that you could have been a terrorist or something, but I set them straight. Which brings us to the other thing, I let it spill that I came to meet you, and I think Bucky is jealous, so heads up! 

Talk to you later! - Sam

PS: Schedule me in for another shave and probably a haircut too, you're my go to hair guru now."

A cold snap runs through her bones, then red hot anger bubbles to life, snuffing out any remaining cold from her bones. Raspberry bruises paint themselves under her skin, scorching and weeping. All of the pieces are starting to fall into place. Bucky wouldn't have gotten that twisted idea into his mind on his own, even with the few letters they have exchanged, Ace knows that. 

She knows him. Hell, she know Sam too, and he wouldn't have let Buck concoct such a tail. 

The idea being ridiculous within itself, she could never be a terrorist, not when she is the kind of person who stresses about letting vegetables go bad in the bottom of her fridge. Terrorists don't care about the random head of broccoli in the bottom drawer, they have bigger things to worry about. But, Ace? She is definitely thinking about the broccoli; and the client who sneezed during their haircut causing her to nick their ear with her scissors. That incident happened two years ago and it still cycles through her brain. It all cycles through. 

She knows that she shouldn't be angry, hell, she doesn't blame Steve for wanting to look out for Bucky, she just hates the immediate distrust. Maybe it comes with the job, the predisposition to judge, to keep people at arms length. 

Trusting the people in front of you doesn't exactly work in a war zone, especially when you are the one who is running into fire first. Ace tries to shed the discomfort from her bones and the lingering anger that still pulses beneath her skin. 

Ace's eyes dart over the post script of the letter and a small chuckle manages to crawl out of her chest. She rolls her eyes, the notion feeling a bit silly as she pulls out her phone and writes a note to put Sam down in her books. 

She shifts the envelope to the back, the name on the next one stares back at her. 

Rogers. 

Her heart skips at the name, anger once again beginning to breathe through her. It nips at the spaces between her ribs and the cartilage that holds her her chest together. It aches as it moves through her veins, burning her up from the inside out. 

Maybe she shouldn't feel this way. Deep down she knows that Steve has always been protecting Bucky, after all, that's what heroes do- hell, that's what friends do. Yet, she can't help but to feel beyond hurt knowing that not only had Steve weaved this tail about her, but he hand fed it to Bucky. 

She doesn't even want to open it, the urge to tear it to shreds tingles through her palms, radiating down to her fingertips. Ace takes it between her fingers, the envelope crinkling as she moves to tear it in two.  

With a huff, Ace moves to tear it open instead of in half. She yanks the paper from the envelope, the anger thrumming throughout her body. 

"Y/N" The letter begins, catching Ace off guard. No one has ever used her name, not outright like that. To Bucky, she has always been 201, he rarely addresses her outright. A hello has always been enough for them. Sam gave her a nickname, one that she has come to hold close to her heart. No one has ever given her a nickname so freely before- let alone one that continues to be used. The nickname warms her from the inside out, the idea of having friends blooms inside her chest. 

"Y/N, Stay away from Bucky Barnes. He is fragile- still healing, and your presence in his life is going to hinder that. Do not write him anymore, and do not make me ask again. -Steve Rogers" 

Three fucking sentences. That's all it takes for Ace to crumble. 

The anger pours out of her in waves, wrecked sobs accompanying the hot tears that pour down her cheeks. The page is crinkled tight into her palm before she can let out the next shaky breath from her lungs. 

Within the minute she is out the door of her apartment, throwing herself into a taxi. The paper is still gripped tightly in her hand, the other letters buried in the pocket of her rain coat. As the cab meanders down the road, fat raindrops begin to fall. The pattering of the water on the windshield mixes with the streaking sound of the wiper blades, the chorus around her makes Ace's skin crawl as anger boils within her. 

The cab hits traffic about six blocks from the tower and Ace wriggles around in her seat. The anticipation causes her to shove money at the driver while she throws open the door. Mumbling a 'keep the change' Ace heads out into the storm, stomping her way through puddles towards the tower. 

Ace pulls out her phone, dialing Sam's number without a second thought. The droplets of water make her taps on the screen difficult for the device to read but the line begins to ring a moment later. The call waiting buzz drones over the line, ringing and ringing. She makes it half a block before she is met with his voicemail. 

"You've reached Sam Wilson, leave a message and I'll give you a call back." 

"Fuck" she curses, shoving her phone back into her pocket. She continues to let the anger guide her forward, her clutch on Steve's letter never letting up. By the time she arrives, her hair is drenched, sticking to her forehead and cheeks. Droplets of water stream down her face- it's unclear which are from the rain and which are from her puffy, red eyes. 

Ace leaves puddles in her wake as she stomps up to the front desk, a tight lipped smile spread across her cheeks in order to seem somewhat friendly. The man behind the front desk is barely awake, his face resting in the palm of his hand. His eyes are half lidded, staring at his computer screen. 

She stops a few feet from the desk, looking at the scene before her. She knows she should talk to him, that's the proper thing to do. It is literally this man's job to check people in and out of the building, but at this point she couldn't care less. The anger is clouding her judgement. So, she moves right, avoiding the desk all together, heading straight for the elevators. 

A women asks Ace what floor she is headed to without looking at her. Ace scans her eyes over the buttons, not sure which to pick. She drags her bottom lip between her teeth for a second.

"You are here for the gala, right?" The women questions her, shifting her gaze up to meet Ace's. Her expression shifts as she takes in Ace's dripping form, unable to hide her disgust. She checks her watch to fill the moments while she waits for Ace to respond. 

"Actually, I am here to cut Sam Wilson and Steve Rogers' hair. They usually comes to me, but asked me to make a house call," Ace chuckles a bit, holding up her bag, "But yes, for the gala." The lie she tells leaves her lips and she feels no remorse for it. 

Maybe it's the wrath that's taking up too much space in her chest to leave room for any other feelings or maybe she can lie if it's for Bucky, but either way she doesn't care. The air in the elevator is heavy with humidity but free of tension. 

The women hums out a sort of acknowledgement before pressing a button. They arrive to the floor a minute later and the women motions down the hall. 

"Check the gym," Is all she says before disappearing around a corner without another word. 

Ace pushes through a set of double doors, the gym smelling of sweat and bleach. The scent mingles in her chest with half breathes and pressure, her lungs sore from the sensation. Her hands are numb too, from both from the chill of the rain and from how hard she is gripping onto that fucking letter. White knuckles, tired lungs, and aggravation seems to be all she is in that moment. 

The gym is almost empty, a couple of lone agents packing up their things on the far side of the room. She is basically invisible as she drags her eyes around the room. Her breath catches when she catches Steve tucked away in the corner. He unwarps his hands, massaging out the tension in his hands that has built from his rounds at the punching bag. Steve brings a hand to his mouth, wrapping his lips around his split knuckle.

Without meaning to, Ace takes him in, every inch from his messy blond hair, seafoam eyes downturned and unbothered. The way he laps up the last bit of blood from his hand makes her stomach twist; she can almost taste the copper of the blood and it mixes with the bile that has begun to crawl up her throat at the sight of him. 

Steve pushes himself off the bench, standing to stretch out his worn out body. He wipes sweat from his brow with the hem of his shirt, his chiseled abs on display but Ace can't find it in her to care. Maybe if she wasn't so goddamn pissed of she would have looked, and maybe if she wasn't balancing on the blade between love and infatuation she would've enjoyed the view, but instead she takes this as her time to rush him. 

She stomps over, not caring about how loud her steps are or the trail of water she leaves behind her. The feeling of her palms pressed squarely against his frame where his shoulders meet his chest sends a fire through her, igniting a new layer of anger. She pushes him with all of her strength and he actually stumbles a bit. The unassuming women standing in front of him seething with anger, it's evident in her eyes, but before he can ask who she is or what she wants, her hands are on his body again, pushing him back, again and again. 

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!" She screams at him, the words clawing themself out of her throat. The words catch him off guard, almost as much as her hands do. His brows furrow, confusion stitching them together. He wants to put up his hands, show that he isn't going to hurt her, but all he can manage to do is lock his gaze on her face. 

Steve takes in the puffiness of the bright red skin around her eyes. The dried remanence of tears crusted against her cheeks lead his gaze down to her lips. They are chapped over to the point where they look painful, and she is still yelling. She is yelling at him, words he hasn't bothered to listen to. 

"Steve Goddamn Rogers, America's fucking golden martyr," She continues to scream, "Always knows what's right," Her balled up fists connect with his chest, not enough power to hurt him but enough force to make a point. Her fists continue to connect to any part of his body that she can reach, his chest, arms, stomach. Her words  begin to get lost in her broken sobs. 

She drops the letter that has been clutched so tightly in her hands. It lands on the floor, a crumpled up ball- three sentences lost in wrinkles of paper. 

Ace lands a hit to his chest, breaking open her knuckles, the bright red leaking from her broken skin begins to coat over the plain of her fist. A few punches later, the skin on the other fist breaks open too. 

"How dare you!" She repeats over and over again, the syllables getting clumped together with choked out cries. "How fucking dare you!" 

The blood transfers from her hands to his body, the sight not registering with either of them. 

Steve just stands there and takes it, unsure of what to say or how to stop the abuse that wouldn't end up with her breaking down even further. He wants to grab her wrists, beg her to tell him what he did wrong and who she is, but all he can do is stand there as she begins to crumble completely at his feet. 

She is full on sobbing now, her face contorting. She attempts to rid her face of tears and snot with the backs of her hands but it only sort of works, leaving her face still smeared with wetness, streaked with pure crimson. 

The doors at the other side of the room swing open, Steve's eyes snap up from the woman in front of him to see Sam and Bucky walk in, chuckling to themselves. Ace doesn't notice, she is too busy shoving Steve again. Her palms flat against his body as she pushes, the blood now rushing towards her wrists. 

"Fuck you, Steve," She chokes out one more time, "Fuck you," Her voice is broken, scraping against her throat. Bile coats her tongue, the crying and yelling making her nauseous. 

Steve makes eye contact with Sam, pleading for some sort of help. Sam notices the woman, then notices the blood. It covers her hands, droplets painting the floor beneath them. There is blood on the letter too, but no one seems to notice it. 

Sam sends Bucky to get a first aid kit and the soldier disappears back through the door they came through. 

"What the hell is going on?!" Sam shouts a bit, coming over to aid Steve. He takes a few steps closer, moving to see the woman. When she finally turns her face to look at him, the mixture of fluid on her face, she peers up at him through her damp hair. He recognizes her instantly. 

"Ace?" He questions, holding his hands out to her. He wants to wrap his arms around her and comfort her, the sobs coming from her lips causes his heart to ache. "Ace, what's going on?" 

With his words, she collapses to the ground completely spent. She shakes with rage and ragged breathes. Through her tears, she picks up the letter, now dotted with blood. She tried to unwrinkled it, but the thought of seeing it again makes her body wrack with another hollow cry. Ace holds out a half balled up piece of paper in Sam's direction. He takes it carefully between his fingers, working it open the rest of the way. 

Sam drags his eyes over the words, "Y/N, Stay away from Bucky Barnes. He is fragile- still healing, and your presence in his life is going to hinder that. Do not write him anymore, and do not make me ask again. -Steve Rogers" The small paragraph awakens Sam's temper. He brings his eyes up to Steve, who is still standing in front of Ace, his back towards the wall. 

Sam's expression narrows, his features tight with enmity. "What the hell did you do?" Sam questions him, his eyes trained on Steve's own. 

Bucky walks in, first aid kit in hand. The sight before him causes him to stop. Steve stands with his hands up like he is pleading innocence. His blue eyes swim with guilt, easily read from across the room. 

Sam stands off to the side, a bloody piece of paper in his hand, the other fist balled tightly against his side. Sam is squeezing his fist so tight, the bones of his knuckles threaten to break through the whitened skin that is pulled so taught around them. 

Bucky's eyes drag down to the woman on the floor, her back to him. He watches as she runs her hands through her hair, her bloody hands shaking. He can hear he crying, attempting to stifle the sounds. 

Nobody has notice Bucky standing there- the woman focused on Sam, who is locked into a staring match with Steve. No one moves for what feels like ages. Finally, Sam speaks. 

"Steve, did you write this?" The look in Sam's eyes is nothing but pure challenge, "Did you threaten her?" 

Steve gulps out a quiet 'yes'. 

Sam straightens his posture out, squaring his shoulders and setting his jaw. He looks like he is about to step into a battle, but instead of running in behind Steve, his going up against him. 

"Do you really think that Bucky is so 'broken' that he can't have a nice girl like Ace as a pen pal?" Sam's voice holds no question at all, he already knows the answer, it's written plain as day in black ink in front of him. 

Steve mutters out another 'yes', eyes falling to the floor. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, like he is going to defend himself but cannot find the words. 

Without a warning, the first aid kit clatters to the floor and Bucky disappears through the doors once more. Ace and the two men turn just in time to see Bucky's fleeting form through the swinging door, getting further and further away. 

Finally, the door settles closed and Ace brings a hand up to cover her mouth. Steve can't pry his eyes off of the exit. 

"Now you've done it," Sam mutters, reaching down to pick Ace up in his arms. He carries her out of the room, leaving the mess of blood and Steve behind them. He couldn't care less- his main focus now on getting Ace's wounds cleaned and dressed. 

Steve is left standing in the thick air around him, his heart pounding against his chest. He is covered in blood and deserves to be. But the blood comes from the wrong source, instead of his own, he wears hers and somehow even through he never raised a hand to her, he can't help but feel like he was that small kid in Brooklyn again.

They always started the same way, a disagreement he met with words because he could never quite land a punch. They always ended the same way too, covered in blood, chest heaving and aching all at once. This time, though, Bucky wasn't there to save him, to throw the last punch, to end the damn fight. He can feel her blood beginning to crust over his skin, cracking and flaking away.

For the first time since the Winter Soldier, Bucky and Steve stand on opposite sides of the fight, and for the first time in this century, he knows one thing to be true: 

This is the fight he is going to lose. 

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[autumnslance]

FFXIV Write 2023 Day 18: Fish Out of Water

G’raha took a deep breath before stepping through the door leading from the corridor into the common room of the Rising Stones.

An elderly elf—no, elezen—sat at the nearest table, steaming mug of tea at hand, speaking with a younger elezen woman. The latter G’raha recognized as one of the healers who had helped tend to him and the other Scions; Alianne, her name was. The old man must be the grandfather she had mentioned.

“Finally up and about?” the old man said warmly.

“Yes, thanks to the Scions’ cadre of healers,” G’raha replied, bowing slightly to Alianne.

He couldn’t for the life of him remember what she had said her grandfather’s name was.

“Just be sure not to push yourself too quickly, Archon,” Alianne said.

He took a moment, then smiled sheepishly, rubbing his neck and nodding. “Of course!” The marks had been covered for so long, and no one had known that title in the First; he’d nearly forgotten what it was like to be addressed as such.

A clatter of activity came from the front door, a quintet making their way in; two gald—roegadyn men, an elezen man, two Hyuran women. The redhead was grousing at the blonde, who rolled her eyes, before focusing in on G’raha.

“Well! Our new arrival’s up and about!”

Her companions looked his way as well, and he felt very on the spot. The redhead—Clemence, one of the healers—smiled. “Krile said you were well enough now.”

“Welcome!” the roegadyn in mage’s robes said, beaming. “Always nice to meet a new comrade.”

Comrade. Was he? G’raha smiled politely as Clemence made introductions (he would have to ask her about Alianne’s grandfather, discreetly, later), and pondered that implication.

Did the others actually want him to stay? Now that all in the First was complete and they were home, would the sins he had committed as the Crystal Exarch cause conflict?

And there were the memories of his younger self, of his comrades in the remaining Students of Baldesion, the Sons of St Coinach, of NOAH, which in turn led him to recall the Garlond Ironworks. Memories that conflicted with his elder self, and the difficulty of remembering the original Biggs’ face, versus that of his descendant in that other timeline.

After a round of introductions, where he managed to avoid saying much of himself, he took a seat at the bar, where a miqo’te woman stepped up and smiled. “Feeling overwhelmed?”

“Just a bit,” he admitted. “I’m sorry, I am G’raha Tia.”

She smiled. “F’lhaminn Qesh,” she replied.

Minfilia’s adoptive mother! The fabled Songstress of Ul’dah herself. Once again, the historian in him thrilled, reminded that he walked among those who in a later time would be considered legends.

And he was simply…G’raha Tia.

“You’ve had a long recovery, and will need yet more time. Think you can handle a traditional Ul’dahn lunch?” F’lhaminn asked warmly.

G’raha nodded, uncertain how to feel at being waited on by a woman who in so many stories was held in the sort of reverence granted to the parents of sainted figures such as the Oracle of Light.

Except Minfilia was not the Oracle in this world; she was the Antecedent, if no less important for her work in founding the Scions.

“There you are,” a blessedly familiar voice said.

G’raha turned and smiled gratefully as Krile joined him. “And how are you feeling?” she asked.

“Better, and hopefully a meal will only improve things.”

“Good; you’re looking a little pale yet.” She tilted her head, watching him. “Or is that the general feeling of being overwhelmed?”

She always had been too perceptive; knowing now that she possessed the Echo, and how sensitive hers was, that made far more sense. “A bit of both, I think,” he answered honestly. “A part of me still feels as though I walk among legends, especially now that I am…myself, again.”

Not that he ever truly would be; the consequences of merging his timelines into one self was going to be an ongoing process, he suspected.

Krile smiled. “Says the former Crystal Exarch,” she teased. “From all I hear, you have accomplished your own share of extraordinary feats, old friend.”

When not stumbling through the process every step of the way. What he wouldn’t give for Y’shtola’s calm confidence, or Thancred’s steadfast bravery, or Urianger’s clever dedications. And then of course, there was their champion…

To Krile, he merely shrugged and smiled sheepishly again. “I did what I could,” G’raha said. “But that time is past, and now I must find my way in this new future.”

“You will,” she said warmly, reaching over to pat his hand. “And we’ll be here to help, every step of the way.”

“Truly?” he couldn’t help but ask quietly.

“Of course!” she replied, beaming. It was familiar and comforting, reminding him of youthful times and old dreams shared in too late conversations.

Perhaps some things had not changed. Perhaps he had an anchor after all, to help him navigate this new, uncharted course his continuing life had taken.

F’lhaminn set down meals for them both, delighting Krile, the two women falling into easy conversation.

G’raha picked up his fork, content to listen, and settle in.